voices in my head

"It gets better. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head that's saying there's no way out, it's wrong. Believe me. It gets better." -Keith Scott

What can I say. At the end of the day I would rather be anyone but me.

At least that was how I used to feel. Ever since I was 11 I had to grow up. I had to face things that no one I knew was going through. I faced a lot of hard times, and at the time I had no idea what kind of things were yet to come. Yes, I faced all the problems that most kids that age faced. I faced problems with confidence, friend drama, "love" drama, and bullies.

I hate talking about the last one, in fact I have never talked about it. I always thought it was something that happens to everyone, and that I would be able to get over it. It never got to a point like most kids these days have to endure, but at the time, I had never been at a lower point than I was in that moment. I have always struggled with my confidence. Up until about 8th grade I didn't like myself. I hated who I was, what I looked like, and pretty much you name it I hated it about myself. And despite the nice words people would say, the ones that were negative always covered up the positive. People didn't hold back when it came to making fun of me, because honestly people just aren't as nice as they should be.  Then in 8th grade something changed, I started performing in musicals, and choir. Something changed. It may have been my hanging around overly confident people that just rubbed off on my own confidence, but either way I started looking at myself in a new way. I liked who I was, and was more confident in everything I did. That confidence carried on with me until my Junior year. And then the ghost behind the girl who hated herself crept up on me once more..

Everyone has that overly embarrassing story about their first crush. Mine came in 4th grade. A new boy moved in, and was in my class. I remember being immediately smitten by him, and wanted nothing more than for him to like me back. Being that un-confident girl I was, I tried too hard. And as I look back I made an utter and complete fool out of myself. I was young, watched far too many Disney movies, and had an unrealistic expectation of what love was supposed to be like. It came to the point like most crushes do at that age where the boy doesn't want anything to with you. As I look back on it I don't blame him, but what happens after is where I don't think I realized what was happening until now. Things were never the same between us after we went to different schools in middles school, but I always had that dream that one day he would like me back, and that it would all be like the fairytale I dreamed about when I was little, but it wasn't, and that is where I thought it would end.

I eventually grew up, matured, and realized how to act like a normal person when it came to liking boys. However, he never got to know this new side of me. When we crossed paths three years later, he only knew me as that young, weird, and overly clingy little girl. He never attempted to get to know  me before he hurt me. In attempts to keep is popularity, and status. He said words that have haunted me everyday since. I remember it was a week or so before the last day of ninth grade. I was talking with a friend of mine who was his mutual friend as well. Since this friend cared about me, he told me something that was said about me by this boy. In attempts to save myself I will summarize the basis of what was said,words like useless, fat, no good, waste of space, and no reason to be around were used.

My already fragile confidence was shattered. I put so many juvenile dreams about him into my head, that when those words came out of his mouth I was devastated. I always thought we could grow up, and move past it. I felt like since he had changed, and so had I, that maybe we could forget about it, and be civil strangers. But instead hateful things were said, and I had lost all progress into building my confidence. That is where I thought it would end. I thought he would let it go after he found out that I knew what he said, and that he was confronted by others about it. At least I prayed that was where it would end.

It was quiet for a while things went back to normal, I found myself again. I learned not to let my confidence be determined by guys, and I learned to love myself flaws and all. I liked who I was, and I didn't think anything could change that. Then junior year came. He had made some poor choices, and had to switch schools. I was thrilled. That meant I didn't have to deal with the snickers, or snide remarks when we would cross paths in the hall. I finally felt peace again. Well unfortunately him and his friends had different plans for me. I ended up being in a class filled with some of his closest friends. Some of which had been my friends in years past, or so I thought. I thought it would just be one of those awkward classes that I would sit through for a semester, and then it would be done, and I would never have to be around them anymore. The first day of class came and I sat on the other end of the classroom. Then the teacher announced we be having a seating chart (another one of my pet peeves) and I was placed in the corner surrounded by all of them. Shortly after he changed schools, the whispering began. At first I tried to ignore the hurtful things that were being said about me from behind my back, literally. I thought after a couple weeks they would stop, but instead they got worse. I was known to that group of people as "The *insert appropriate swear word* that got him sent away, the slut who couldn't keep her mouth shut, and the reason their best friend was shipped away. All of which were lies. I had nothing to do with him going away but he fed them a whole other story.

I would leave that class in tears. I hated coming to school, being forced to sit in a classroom for an hour and half, and having to listen to hateful things being said about me. They were relentless. I put up with it. I didn't say a word, because if the seating chart got changed I knew that they would know I said something, and the emotional harassment would only get worse, and I knew I couldn't handle any more. Parent teacher conferences came, and my mother kindly and discretely told my teacher that there needed to be a new seating assignment, and he agreed. I was never so glad as to be moved to the opposite end of the class, because even though they continued to talk about me, I didn't have to listen to it anymore. The class ended, and the bullying died down. They never knew the truth about why he left, so they continued to glare, and snicker at my expense until graduation.

That experience taught me a lot of things. It taught me people can be ruthless, that no one gets through high school unscathed, but most importantly it taught me where to put my trust. I learned that my confidence never would come from a boy, or what group of friends I hung out with. My confidence had to come from me. I had to learn to love myself, and to be comfortable with who I was.  I turned to my Savior a lot, and fought everyday for the strength to get through the day. I eventually learned that what other people thought about me didn't matter. As long as I knew who I was, and what I wanted to get out of life, that nothing else mattered. Some of my greatest strengths came out of one of the hardest times in my life.

I guess the point I am trying to make out of this is that even though when you feel like you are worthless, and that you have no purpose in life you are wrong. You have a purpose, and you have worth. Find the people who are going to build you up when you feel like tearing yourself down. Don't give up, keep fighting, keep trying. Find that hope that you need to get through another day, and turn to others when you can't find it. You are never as alone as you feel. Trust me, I have been to the bottom of the pit lately, and everyday I have to find that reason to keep living.

I have never been so low, as I have been these last few years, but I am learning that I can be happy again. That the light does come. I have so many amazing people surrounding me that I couldn't fathom leaving. They are my purpose. They give me the reason to get up everyday, and face the world around me, and for that I know that I will be alright. And that is all the peace I need to fight the voice in my head saying it won't ever get better. I can say right back in my own sassy way that it is a lying liar pants, and I am worth it. One day that voice will learn to shut up, either that or it will get sick of my sass and leave. And frankly I am good with either one.