for you my friend..

Today, in a weird way I am grateful for the loss of my brother.

I know what you are thinking.. WHAT?! How could you possibly say something like that.. Well just hold on, and let me explain.

You see I am not grateful that he's gone, and I am most certainly not grateful for that part of it. However, I am grateful to have felt a loss so deep that I could know what it was like to lose such a big piece of my life.

This past week someone very close to me also lost her big brother. She lost a big part of her as well, and in the light of her loss I was able to see her heart. In a way I was able to use the loss I felt to help her in some way.. at least I hope I have. Even though no loss is the same, and even though I lost my big brother my loss, and her loss are different. But she has shown me in some ways, ways to heal, and ways to see the light. I have been trying to find the light in losing my brother for over a year, and it has taken me all this time to see why in some way or another I had to experience this loss. I had to lose him, to be able to be there for my friend in a time in her life when she was experiencing such pain.

Losing someone is never easy. You put on the brave face that everyone around you needs to see, and hope that you truly feel. You put this face on for a long time only because you feel as if you have no other choice. I still have this face on. I has have never truly let anyone outside of my parents, and my brother see the pain I feel. I have never cried so deeply, and so fully in my entire life than I have in the past year. You hope, and pray that it will just go away and that you can be whole again. People say it gets better, but it doesn't. It has been a year and half since I have lost my brother, and everyday I feel the pain and loss just as deeply as I did the day I found out he was gone. It doesn't get easier I've learned.. I have just learned that you learn how to put on the face, and get through each day one minute at a time. You don't get over it.. you just simply do what you are expected to do, and then when you get home at the end of the day in the comfort of the walls of your home, you let your face fade, and the pain sets in once again. I hate this new reality I have to face each day, but I hate to think that one day I could ever get over this pain. Because the moment I "get over" this pain I feel, that is the day that I let go of my brother completely, and that is just something I could never do.

So to you my dear sweet friend. Know that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel a loss so deep, and painful that you wish it would end. When you feel, when you truly feel the loss that is how you know that he was such a big part of your life. That is the part of you that you have fully given to someone you loved. So whenever you cry, or you feel this loss which you will everyday. Know that it is not in vain. That wanting and wishing away your pain doesn't make you weak, it makes you realize how much love you have given to another person. Be thankful in times of darkness, never let the good memories go, cherish the laughter, and hold tight to that spirit of peace. Know you are loved by so many, and even though you will at times feel lost know you always have someone to turn to. Most of all know that your brother loved you more than words can ever say, because it is in the times after I have lost my brother that I have truly come to know just how deep his love is for me. Look for him in the little things, and remember the love that can come from it. He will never leave your side, when you need him he is there, and he will help you when you ask him for it. Remember that.

So today in a time of tears being shed by people I love, I am grateful for the loss. I am grateful to know if even just a piece of the pain they feel now. So that I can be there for them. I am grateful to know what I know, and to be able to say with a surety that I will be with my brother again. I am grateful for his love that he shows me when I am in the darkness, and I am grateful for his guiding hand each and every day, and for that I will always be thankful.

counting down

I am quite the fan of countdowns lately. I keep counting down to various days, and various moments of importance. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason it brings me a sense of excitement, and joy.

Recently my favorite countdown of all is this one...

In exactly 12 days 16 hours 46 minutes and 33 seconds.. and counting my sister will finally be home. I have been waiting 18 very long, trying, and sometimes eternal months to be able to say that soon enough she will be home once again. I have never been more proud of her than the day that she told me she was going to be serving an LDS mission. She is the picture perfect sister missionary, and I couldn't wait to see all the many lives she would touch with her incredible spirit.

However, my life hasn't felt very real without her here with me. There is something about not sharing the most important details of your life with a person who is such a big part of it. I am so excited to be able to share our lives with each other again. I am also terrified of that fact as well. I know I have been holding a lot of feelings in since she has been out serving, because I know that none of it will ever be real until she is home, and can mourn with me as well. She is the sister I have never had by blood, and her family is the closest thing I have to having more siblings in my life. My brother was her brother, just like hers is mine. I know that she feels his absence when she is on her mission like I feel it now, but when she is home maybe the hole in my heart will be smaller, and the load lighter.

I am so grateful to be blessed with this lady in my life. Her strength, courage, and determination inspire me daily. I wish one day to be half of the amazing girl that she is, and to know without a shadow of a doubt the things that she has come to learn. She is a blessing to me and my life, and I am grateful to have been given the chance to have her in my life. Heavenly Father really was looking out for me when he sent us down here in families so close. I love you Sister Kellee Jo and I simply cannot wait to see your face.