for you my friend..

Today, in a weird way I am grateful for the loss of my brother.

I know what you are thinking.. WHAT?! How could you possibly say something like that.. Well just hold on, and let me explain.

You see I am not grateful that he's gone, and I am most certainly not grateful for that part of it. However, I am grateful to have felt a loss so deep that I could know what it was like to lose such a big piece of my life.

This past week someone very close to me also lost her big brother. She lost a big part of her as well, and in the light of her loss I was able to see her heart. In a way I was able to use the loss I felt to help her in some way.. at least I hope I have. Even though no loss is the same, and even though I lost my big brother my loss, and her loss are different. But she has shown me in some ways, ways to heal, and ways to see the light. I have been trying to find the light in losing my brother for over a year, and it has taken me all this time to see why in some way or another I had to experience this loss. I had to lose him, to be able to be there for my friend in a time in her life when she was experiencing such pain.

Losing someone is never easy. You put on the brave face that everyone around you needs to see, and hope that you truly feel. You put this face on for a long time only because you feel as if you have no other choice. I still have this face on. I has have never truly let anyone outside of my parents, and my brother see the pain I feel. I have never cried so deeply, and so fully in my entire life than I have in the past year. You hope, and pray that it will just go away and that you can be whole again. People say it gets better, but it doesn't. It has been a year and half since I have lost my brother, and everyday I feel the pain and loss just as deeply as I did the day I found out he was gone. It doesn't get easier I've learned.. I have just learned that you learn how to put on the face, and get through each day one minute at a time. You don't get over it.. you just simply do what you are expected to do, and then when you get home at the end of the day in the comfort of the walls of your home, you let your face fade, and the pain sets in once again. I hate this new reality I have to face each day, but I hate to think that one day I could ever get over this pain. Because the moment I "get over" this pain I feel, that is the day that I let go of my brother completely, and that is just something I could never do.

So to you my dear sweet friend. Know that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel a loss so deep, and painful that you wish it would end. When you feel, when you truly feel the loss that is how you know that he was such a big part of your life. That is the part of you that you have fully given to someone you loved. So whenever you cry, or you feel this loss which you will everyday. Know that it is not in vain. That wanting and wishing away your pain doesn't make you weak, it makes you realize how much love you have given to another person. Be thankful in times of darkness, never let the good memories go, cherish the laughter, and hold tight to that spirit of peace. Know you are loved by so many, and even though you will at times feel lost know you always have someone to turn to. Most of all know that your brother loved you more than words can ever say, because it is in the times after I have lost my brother that I have truly come to know just how deep his love is for me. Look for him in the little things, and remember the love that can come from it. He will never leave your side, when you need him he is there, and he will help you when you ask him for it. Remember that.

So today in a time of tears being shed by people I love, I am grateful for the loss. I am grateful to know if even just a piece of the pain they feel now. So that I can be there for them. I am grateful to know what I know, and to be able to say with a surety that I will be with my brother again. I am grateful for his love that he shows me when I am in the darkness, and I am grateful for his guiding hand each and every day, and for that I will always be thankful.

counting down

I am quite the fan of countdowns lately. I keep counting down to various days, and various moments of importance. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason it brings me a sense of excitement, and joy.

Recently my favorite countdown of all is this one...

In exactly 12 days 16 hours 46 minutes and 33 seconds.. and counting my sister will finally be home. I have been waiting 18 very long, trying, and sometimes eternal months to be able to say that soon enough she will be home once again. I have never been more proud of her than the day that she told me she was going to be serving an LDS mission. She is the picture perfect sister missionary, and I couldn't wait to see all the many lives she would touch with her incredible spirit.

However, my life hasn't felt very real without her here with me. There is something about not sharing the most important details of your life with a person who is such a big part of it. I am so excited to be able to share our lives with each other again. I am also terrified of that fact as well. I know I have been holding a lot of feelings in since she has been out serving, because I know that none of it will ever be real until she is home, and can mourn with me as well. She is the sister I have never had by blood, and her family is the closest thing I have to having more siblings in my life. My brother was her brother, just like hers is mine. I know that she feels his absence when she is on her mission like I feel it now, but when she is home maybe the hole in my heart will be smaller, and the load lighter.

I am so grateful to be blessed with this lady in my life. Her strength, courage, and determination inspire me daily. I wish one day to be half of the amazing girl that she is, and to know without a shadow of a doubt the things that she has come to learn. She is a blessing to me and my life, and I am grateful to have been given the chance to have her in my life. Heavenly Father really was looking out for me when he sent us down here in families so close. I love you Sister Kellee Jo and I simply cannot wait to see your face.

broken..

This week has been incredibly hard for me. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why this week has been so emotionally draining for me. I have tried to narrow my bad days down to what went wrong, and it still is lost on me. All I know is it all comes down to me missing him more than words can say..

I look up on my drive every morning and I see the mountains covered in snow, and I think of you, and how you would be up there. I walk the halls at school and hear comments that I would have shared with you. I am lost and confused with guys in my life, all the things I used to ask you about. I am shown how you answered my questions, but am finding it hard to stay strong in the answer. I look at the photos of you in my room every morning, and feel the void in my heart. I feel the heartbreak again from lost love, and miss the words of comfort you offered me the time when I first was broken. It all comes down to one thing I guess.. this week I miss you more than I have since the first day I walked into our house and you weren't there. It is hard for me to live my life without my best friend. To wake up knowing that you can see me, but we can't talk. On most days knowing you are here with me in spirit is enough, but this week it just isn't. I have cried out countless times how unfair it is to have you not be here. How I am so lost without you. I have turned to things you said to me once upon a time for comfort and peace, but the sound of your voice is fleeting. It is hard for me to hear you anymore, and that is the hardest part. I have tried so hard to hear his voice for so long, and right now I can't hear you.

Despite the down times of this week that I am still managing to find peace in. I grasp onto every piece  of you I have. I am trying to work my way through my problems that I used to come to you for by myself now, and I have felt you guiding me a lot this week. When it was at its worse point this week you reminded me of this video.. a video where I feel peace no matter when I watch it.

So this week I am grateful for Dustin.. for making this video when we first lost my brother. A video that brings such peace to me in my darkest of days. That re-ignites the memories I have of my brother. For the unimaginable power it has in my life. So thank you Dustin for being a friend to my brother, and for caring enough about his life to make something so beautiful. You may never know how many times it has saved me..

I miss you ever single day brother of mine. Each day it gets a little easier, but on the days they aren't I am grateful I can feel your love in the best way you can show me. I am blessed to have had such an amazingly gifted, and caring brother. I won the lottery as far as I am concerned.. and I hope you see now through your knowing eyes just how much you always meant to me. Thanks for being with me, I think only we know how much it means.. Love you Taylor..

little reminders..

"I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become."

I was talking to a person last night, someone I talk to most nights, and we were talking about music. Now as most of you know from either previous posts on this blog, or my never ending lyrical posts on Facebook, that music is a pretty big part of my life. Well as the conversation went on, he began to tell me how he has written a couple of things, and how they are about the trials he has had in his own life, and how he didn't think anyone would listen to them for that reason. I quickly responded, telling him that, that is exactly why people would listen to them. People love to hear things that relate to them, and make them feel like they aren't the only ones in the world who are going through dark times. I should know this, because music has healed me in countless ways, and if those artists hadn't shared those words, and melodies. Then I would hate to see where I would be right now in my life.

This conversation reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place. I was reminded that when I first began to write these posts how lost and confused I was. How I didn't think there was going to be any saving graces left in my life. How each day got darker, and darker, and nothing seemed to help me. That was until I began to write my thoughts out, and share them with all of my countless readers. I started writing with the intention to help heal myself, but as I have had people comment, text me, and email me about how my somehow scattered words have touched them, and helped them when they were lost it has given me a sense of peace. Now as I write I am not only trying to heal myself, I am looking to those close to me, those people who I know are struggling, and going through dark times themselves.

So this post is for you. All of you lost, hurt, broken souls who don't see the light anymore. I have been there, I know how you feel. I have been so turned around and upside down that I didn't think there was anyway I could possibly be whole again. But let me tell you something, don't you dare give up. I know it seems easier. That throwing in the towel in this life will somehow make you feel better. You are wrong. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been quick but light has come. It may not stay bright and vibrant for very long, and there are days when the darkness is too much, but I promise you some days are worth it. If I could tell any of you one thing, one thing to make you feel like you aren't alone, look to those around you. See the people on the streets smiling, see the friends by your side, even if you don't think they are there they are, look around and see all the things you have, but most importantly look to your family, turn to them. I know for me nothing heals me more than talking to my family, they always know just what to say to make me feel better.

Always remember ever single person you will ever meet has had something hard in their life, some trial they have had to overcome. Even though you don't see it now you are never alone. There is always a piece of light coming. Just be patient. It has been a year and six months since the darkness fully consumed my life, and I am constantly trying to find the light still to this day. But I have seen it coming enough to give me faith that there is more to this time of darkness in my life to make it all worth it. I know these are just words, and if you are struggling with something they probably won't help you, but I hope they do. I hope if you really are struggling you find peace in what I am saying, or at least turn to the words of others. They do wonders, I promise.

Just remember you can be anything you want, don't let your circumstances, or trials define you as a person. Rise above the darkness, and prove everyone wrong. I am with you.

and scene..

Life is not a movie. There are no script writers writing out your daily conversation, you don't always win, you don't have music sequences following you throughout your day, your best friend doesn't always fall in love with you, and sometimes he isn't the guy that he led you to believe he was.
You don't have those picture perfect moments, you more than likely will fall flat on your face a couple of times, you will screw up, and you will be broken.

That is just life. Life isn't a movie, it won't always be the best but it is life.

I am the first to admit most days I wish my life was scripted, and that I knew that by the end of the storyline that every little aspect of trial and struggle would turn out to be okay, and that I would end up sitting on a porch when I am eighty years old with the love of my life.  I wish for grand romantic gestures, meet cute moments with a guy who just might turn out to be the one, random musical numbers, and insanely adventurous trips at any given time. I wish a lot of the time that my life was a movie.

I guess I like the idea of having the picture perfect life, where nothing is ever too bad that it can't be solved in two hours. Lately I have been wishing for a movie life more than most times. Maybe it has something to do with the piece of work people who I have managed to let into my life, or it has to do with the fact that after all this time my heart still aches at the heart ache I wish I could just leave behind, or it could quite possibly be that I want all these struggles to be resolved, and I know that my two hours aren't quite up yet. I wish I could sneak a peak at my script and see where I end up, that I could jump ahead to the part where I can see why this all had to happen, and where my character figures out why they had to go through all this really crappy stuff to get to the place that they were meant to be. I know that isn't how it works, and I guess in a way that is a good thing. Maybe if I knew I would screw it all up, and miss out on the little things that are unforgettable.

However, just like we all know our lives aren't picture perfect, and nine times out of ten we don't get the movie worthy moments that we dream up in our head. Sometimes the guys we think are gems, are just rocks. Sometimes the truth is the part that hurts the most. And sometimes we go through a lot of dark stuff in order to get the best. Maybe that is why in some cases it is a good thing our lives aren't Hollywood blockbusters, and that life remains a mystery.

I know for me it is hard to imagine that one day I will be able to look back on all the crap I have gone through in the past eight years of my life, and think it all makes sense, that I can understand why it all had to happen. That every event led me here, and in some ways I can be grateful for the heartbreaks, the tears, the laughs, and the memories. 

Someday, maybe I will get a picture perfect movie moment, and if I am lucky maybe all those things will make sense, and I can say with sincerity all these things. As for right now, at this moment, I still wish my life was a movie, and that I could know that for even just a scene that it will all work out, and that the porch swing is going to be there for me in seventy years, and that it will all make sense soon. I know I won't know this for a while, so until then forgive me for the faults I make, the people I choose who aren't worthy of the porch swing, and the times when I wish I could just sit back and wait for things to happen instead of working towards the things that really matter. I promise I will root for your Kodak moments, and cheer on your movies as I see them.

Because everyone deserves that picture perfect moment in their lives.

some things are better off said

This has been two weeks of reflection, insights, and just plain frankness. Pardon my scattered thoughts as I recount some of the feelings I have had these last few weeks...


The first thing I learned is that family gatherings are the hardest for me. I know these should be the easiest because I am surrounded by people whom I love and who love me. But these are the times I miss my brother more than anything. It was always me and him. Whenever we were in a room full of people I knew I would always have someone to sit by, or someone to talk to. Now it's different. I sit back and see strangers with their families and I see my cousins with their siblings, and it hurts. It makes me miss him more than I already do. I sit here and I wish that this loneliness that I feel in my heart would go away. That this ache in my heart maybe won't hurt with every breath. My heart just hurts, and some days I wish I could rip it out, and maybe it would hurt less. People keep telling me it gets easier, and I hate to break it to them but it doesn't. I hate to admit that my hole has continuously gotten bigger.. Instead of time healing me, it has created a bigger void. I blame myself mostly for this since maybe I am just not addressing the feelings as they come, the longer I push them away, and shy away from how I should feel in certain situations the bigger the void of losing him will become. Honestly, I hate being upset, I hate waking up after a night of tears, and I hate not being able to turn to him when I feel so lost, and only he could help me.


The second thing I have learned is that this past year has felt entirely like a dream. I feel as if my life hasn't been real because I have yet to share it with one person. I haven't been able to talk to my sister about any of this. The only other person who knows how to make me feel okay with my life. She has been gone on her mission, and the time is coming for her to come home. I am thrilled more that anyone would ever know because I have missed her so much. I have missed our late night conversations, how we could talk about anything and how she would just understand me much like my brother. However, despite how excited I am for her to come home I am also terrified, because I know the moment I see her it will all become so real. She will come home, and see the new reality I have had to face, and I know in that moment I am going to lose every ounce of strength I have left because now I can finally let it out to my best friend. Nothing seems okay until I talk to her, no wound in my heart has been able to heal without her advice. Maybe when she gets home I will finally be able to heal, and the void in my heart will start to go away, and my life may start to feel like my life. I can't wait to sit on a couch have one of our heart to heart, cry our eyes out together, and reinforce the bound we have. Eighteen months may not seem like such a long time in the grand scheme of things but right now it seems like eternity.


The third thing I have come to realized as I was reminded a few days back about a moment I shared with my family around the year anniversary of losing my brother. We had just spent our "dark week" in Park City trying to get away from all the things that were making us sad, and some things had come up on social media regarding my brother. To spare you the details some of my brothers "friends" (I use that word as loosely as I can because a large majority of these people used my brother in ways, and never were grateful for him) posted things about how they were remembering my brother. Now I have nothing wrong to say about them remembering him, I love that people remember him. I was just angry at the way they chose to do so, and the manner in which they posted it for the world to see. The things they did really upset me, and I remember that was the first time, well since the funeral that I had gotten truly anger at the people who were in my brothers life. In fact I remember having one of my brothers best friends stand by my side the entire time of the viewing in order to keep me from taking down a couple people. At that year mark however, I wanted nothing more than to scream out all my frustrations.. and I did just that. I remember sitting on the foot of my parents bed and I just kept ranting and ranting about how they don't know how it feels, they don't understand how hard it is to walk into my house every day, and be haunted by it. They don't know what it is like to not have your best friend there when you get home to talk to. They just don't understand how hard it is. I went on tears streaming down my face, and practically yelling.. Wishing with all my might that they understood how much hurt they caused my family. How inconsiderate it was to say sly comments about how we have handled our lives, and how they know how to handle all of this when in reality they don't know. Every single time you lose someone it is different. No one loss is the same. I have lost so many people in my life both my grandmas, uncles, aunts, extended family, great grandparents, great aunts, and each time the lose I have felt was different. Each person I have lost has held a special place in my heart, each taking a piece of me with them as they have left this life, but no loss has taken as much from me as my brother. I know few people who can truly relate to losing their one and only sibling, and some do, and I truly reach my hand out to them with compassion because I know the hurt they must be feeling to some extent, but when someone who has no idea how much this hurts to say things so inconsiderately drives me nuts. I guess the purpose behind this rant is just to be aware that you may think that the words you are saying are kind, and that you are just trying to help, but sometimes it just plain hurts more than you think, and some we have to pretend that it didn't gut every ounce of happiness we had when you said them. Just think before you act, think of why you are saying it, and if it really needs to be said. Sometimes silence speaks much louder than words.

And the last thing I have realized these past two weeks is how insanely blessed I am. I think a lot of the time I get so wrapped up in the darkness within my mind that I forget all that I have been given and the wonderful things that are happening in my life. I am blessed with amazingly strong and giving parents who don't even know how much they mean to me, and never will because no amount of words could ever express it to them. I am blessed with family who reach out and try to make me smile even on days I feel like not even trying. I am blessed with amazing friends who make me realize that there is so much to be grateful for, and who know just what to do to change my mood instantly, and who are always reaching out for me when I am falling down. I am blessed with the ability to live, I think I take this for granted a lot, I think lately I have been taking life for granted I have wanted to wish it away just to be with my brother again, but I know that life is precious, it is meant to be lived, and my brother would want me to live it for both of us. I guess at the end of the day I am just happy to be me, I haven't been able to say that and mean it for a very long time. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to see that my life has a meaning, and I am meant for something, I have no idea what that something is, but I know it does, and for that I am blessed.

two a.m

My mind tends to wonder after midnight. On nights when I can't seem to fall asleep, and I have exhausted all avenues of entertainment for the night, my mind begins to wonder. A lot of the time I think silence is the quiet killer of my sanity. I lay in bed thinking of things, mostly things I cannot control, and I think of things I wish for. Without fail however the last thing I think of is my brother.

I am getting pretty good at holding myself together, or at least giving the illusion that I am doing just fine. Deep down I know I am far from okay, but some times I feel as if people expect me to be okay, so instead of feeling how I feel I push it away, and put on the brave happy face everyone expects. If I am lucky I can make it through the day, and fall asleep before my mind has time to bring up those feelings I desperately try to keep hidden away. Last night I wasn't as fortunate.

I laid in bed last night and I watched time move minute by minute, and I couldn't stop the thoughts from creeping in. All of a sudden a rush of emotion filled me. I curled up preparing myself for the wave of tears I knew were quickly behind my heartache. Just like clock work it all comes back. I think of everything, the time I spent with him right up until he was gone, the last conversation I would ever have with him, how I didn't tell him I loved him that one last time before I fell asleep, and the amount I miss him every day. I began to miss him more than I thought imaginable. I miss his hugs, and the way he knew exactly what to say to make me believe that I was going to be okay, and that I was doing the right thing. I miss how he always had the right advice to help me make the decisions I was struggling to make, and I missed the intuition he had about the people in my life. He always knew who I should spend time with and who I shouldn't. He saw the big picture for me, and he always helped me to see it too. I struggle with not having that voice of reason with me everyday. I wish more than anything he was here to help me see it now. Most of all last night I just missed his voice, the comfort it brings to me, and I missed his laugh. How without fail he could always make me laugh. I listened to the first five seconds of his tribute video over and over again just so I could hear his laugh if only for a second.

A month or so after he had passed my parents told me I could have anything I wanted of my brothers. I didn't know what I would want, but I knew I had to keep something. I don't think I ever realized how much I really care about all of his things until I think about giving them away. When I was first looking at what I wanted I found one of his shirts, a shirt he would wear quite often, and one that I knew he liked. I remember being so distraught that day that I remember grabbing it off the hanger and just holding it close, remembering every little detail about him, and that is when I noticed it. I had found the single item my brother had that still smelled like him. I don't know how it was possible considering it hadn't been worn in a long while, and everything in there was freshly washed, but it smelled like my brother. I often hold that shirt close when the days are terrible, and I miss him more than I can bear, and most days it helps. 

Last night, I was so upset that I went to reach for the shirt that always gives me peace, and my brother was gone. The scent that has given me so many moments of solitude was gone. I was lost. The one thing I had to get me through now was just what it has always been, a shirt. The power it had to comfort me was gone, I didn't know how to feel, and I didn't know what to do next. I just laid there clenching onto a shirt that was now just that a shirt. Yes, it was still my brothers, and I guess it should still bring me a piece of him, but it just wasn't the same.  I tried to think of what I could do now to give me that serenity i was searching for, and I did what I do quite often..

Many times I talk to my brother just like he is here. I may come off like a crazy person if anyone ever heard these conversations, because well they are really one sided. This time I think was the first time I genuinely sat and waited for his response to the questions I was desperately searching answers to. I was hurting for a lot of reasons, and I really needed him to tell me what I should do. In that moment of silence waiting for him, I have never felt more peace, for the first time in almost a year I felt as though I could reach out and touch him, as if he was physically holding me close and telling me what I needed to hear.

So this week I am grateful for the bond I have with my brother. That even though we are temporarily separated, that our bond is strong enough to break through, and that he is able to be with me always. I am grateful for the peace he gives me, and I am grateful to know all that I know. I miss my brother more than words, or smiles can ever make up for, but I know he is with me, and that when I am laughing, smiling, and living life the best I can that he is right here with me enjoying it all through my eyes. I love you to the moon and back brother of mine. Thank you for everything..

finding love in a time like this

"Girls just want someone who wants them back, At least that's what I want." -B. Davis

I am constantly bombarded with one of two questions whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in a while. Question A: Are you going to school/Where are you working? and Question B: Are you dating anyone?

I get it everywhere I go, and frankly I am kind of getting run down with all the answers.. When I am at school I hear about 4 different lectures a day about how if you aren't married you need to be, that I need to be finding someone to marry, and get my life together. To be honest I am getting sick of hearing this lecture over and over again. Trust me if the opportunity presented itself, sure I would get married, but it is not. I am almost 20 years old, and I don't think my lack of a husband, or boyfriend for that matter should define me. Trust me the fact that I don't have a guy in my life isn't for a lack of trying. I have put myself out there more times than I can count in the past year. I have tried getting into the whole dating scene, and you think it would be easy going to a school were about 92% of the student body are guys, who have just gotten home from their missions, and are looking for a wife. That is what they want you to believe. What they aren't telling you is most of the guys that fit into this category aren't necessarily the type of guys you want to be dating. I know what you are thinking aren't these the type of guys young women should be looking to date? Nice returned missionaries? The answer is yes that is the type of guy you should be looking for; the catch is finding the right one.

Most guys these days are looking for one thing; not sex necessarily, or getting more than what the standards we are asked to follow allow. Guys these days are looking for the easy way out. They don't want to commit to just one girl. For some reason they are taking the back road, this road is call "The Hang Out". The idea is simple really, a guy doesn't have to commit to a girl if they are just simply hanging out and "having fun", and they don't have to take you anywhere because it is just casual. However, instead of waiting for the first date, and going out and having a good time in the world before the first kiss, the first kiss is almost expected on the first hang out. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, where you are, or what you are doing they expect you to kiss them. Don't get me wrong; I am definitely a fan of kissing, who isn't. However, I don't like the idea that when I hang out with a guy that they expect that from me.

I may be a hopeless romantic, and my ideas on love may be juvenile, but I do believe that girls and even guys deserve better. I think a guy should have to call a girl to ask her out on a date, that girls should hold on to their standards and make the guy wait a date or two before giving him that kiss, and I believe that this generation needs to kick this whole hanging out thing to the curb. If that means that girls have to step up and say you know what if you want to take me out we can see where this goes, and if this means guys have to actually man up and go out with a girl so be it.

I definitely don't want this post to come off as me bringing down men, because frankly there are men out there who are taking girls out on dates, who respect them and their standards. There are men out there who are stepping up and making girls feel beautiful, and treating them right. I just wish that there were more of these men in the world. That more men felt the need to be a gentlemen and open that door, or walk her to her car when it is dark, and show her off to the world.

I guess I just wish I could find one guy who steps up, who doesn't expect more than what he should. A guy who knows that I am sure as heck not ready to get married, but still wants to take me out, and make my days better. I wish I would stop attracting guys who don't want to go out and do things, who don't just want to hide out and hang out. I want a guy who steps up, and takes the initiative to go and do things. Heck I don't care if we go walk around a park, or sit on blanket and watch the stars. As long he is trying, that is all I care about.

So for all of you who wonder why this girl isn't dating or getting married in the near future, it is because I refuse to give into the expectation that I have to give in. That in order for me to find the guy I am supposed to be with that I need to lower my standards in any way. I know that someday I am going to find a guy who doesn't expect me to kiss him on the first date just because other girls have, a guy who opens the door for me even when I don't expect him to, and even a guy who believes in the magic of the most simple moments. Whether that comes soon, or if it takes some time I am okay with that, because honestly I would rather wait it out and find that person who respects who I am, than try time and time again with guys who don't really care about me, but just want what they can get.

Ladies, hold on. Don't give in, stay strong, and wait for the guy who makes you feel special, and not used.

Gentleman, step up and be the guy you know you should be, and don't let the world make you believe that you should be anything less.

We all deserve something more than what this world leads us to believe is enough.. Some days I think we just forget..

it. happened.

The dream is real. How can I manage to put into words the amazing week I have just had. It started off with a long journey to the land of the sun, oh and the HEAT! That is very much a thing, it took a little getting used to, but it was nice after a while. Included in the long journey was so many laughs, off topic jokes, some slightly weird conversations with my three amigos. I really think one of these days this crew is going to have a reality show because honestly we are a crack up. When we got to Arizona it all seemed so very surreal. I mean we had been waiting 278 days to be in this one moment, and in a few short days it all would be happening. I don't think any of us knew in that moment how much that moment would mean to us. Before I tell you all about the amazing experience I had on Tuesday, I think you all deserve to know why this all means so much to me..

A year ago, when Taylor died I was pretty lost, and I felt really sad a lot of the time. At the time I had a boy in my life, and he made up for all the sadness and loss I was feeling, he tried really hard every day to make me smile, and to lift my spirits, but he had to leave, and I was trying so hard to be okay with it because he was doing the right thing, and then I found out a lot of stuff went on that I didn't know about before he left, and once again I was left feeling lost and defeated. I still had my friends though. They tried I believe just as hard if not harder to make me feel better, even after my heart was broken yet again. In attempts to make me smile we clenched on to a boy band. We fell in love with the fabulous idea that we were all perfect for each other, and that we would live these extravagant lives, and be friends when we were married. As crazy as it sounds, I loved the idea of having a different life at the time. I was sick of being sad, and lost. I just wanted to be loved, and to live a life I had always dreamed of living, but was so ridiculous that I knew it would never happened. So just like that we were obsessed. For a long time that is all we would talk about, and just the mere thought of being with this boy in a band I loved seemed pretty great, and was all I wanted. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it did help get my mind off the bad days. So for a year this is all I've ever wanted, to meet Harry, and fall in love, and live that picture perfect life you dream about as a kid. Deep down I knew that it most likely would never happen, but it is always fun to dream. So when the time came last November to buy our tickets to see them in September I was over the moon. I could really see him in person, and maybe just maybe if the fates aligned the dream would be real. (I know I sound like a little girl, sue me!)

So here we are the night before the concert I had dreamed about for months. Monday night was hands down one of the most anxious nights I have had in my entire life. I didn't know how to function, so many what if scenarios were going through my head, and the thought of seeing the guy I had dreamed about was finally going to become a reality. I could hardly stand the anticipation, that night the three of us went to bed so excited for the next day, I don't think any of us actually slept however.

Tuesday came and the excitement built. It was finally time for us. We made our way to the stadium where thousands of young pre-teen girls ran around screaming, and giggling. We felt pretty old not going to lie. I was in awe of how many people there were. This stadium holds 63,400 people, and that night it was filled, every seat, with screaming girls who couldn't wait to see 5, well 9 very handsome men grace the stage. We waited for 5 hours. We watched video after video of commercials up until the show, we took far to many pictures, and felt no shame might I add, and then it was time. The lights went out, the safety video began to play, and enter the opening band. Let's just put something into perspective for you, in this room there were tons of what we in this fandom call directioners, every one of them crazily in love with One Direction, a few in the room also were in love with the opening band, 5 Seconds Of Summer (who we will be going to see next summer), now few were as in love with both bands as much as we were, so when they went on stage, we were pretty excited.

For perspective this is just the sound of half the screaming girls in the stadium for 5 Seconds of Summer. the overly loud ones, are us. (:

 (Warning: video contains loud screams for the safety of your ears and speakers turn down volume for all videos in this post.)

That was it from that moment on we were all in a daze, I remember being so over joyed by seeing one of my favorite bands live that it was all very unreal to me. I was so in love with seeing them I didn't even want to know what would come over me when one direction came on. Here are a could more clips from the opening act, and some pictures, forgive the shaking camera, when you are dancing, and the stadium is shaking the camera very rarely can stay still. Also please ignore any comments, and loud singing that comes on. We were pretty excited. (:

(heartache on the big screen my favorite 5SOS song)

(This is Calum Hood he is a babe)

So 5SOS sang a lot of really great songs, and we got really pumped to see them in July in San Diego! They left the stage, and the half hour wait for one direction began. We all sat there not knowing how to prepare ourselves for what was about to happen, so what was the most natural thing we did, take a million pictures.

(My two lovely best friends. We killed it)

(Me and my Seester getting our rock on)

(This picture sums up mine and Marn's relationship)

(My goodness my friends are beautiful)

(We snapchatted a lot as well. Sorry to any of our friends)

It was finally time, our boys were making our way to the stage, and it all started with a video.. Now this isn't my recording but it does give you the main idea, minus the screaming girls..

Then the came out, and sang Midnight Memories. We slightly fangirled, okay we fangirled a lot. 

(Once again don't judge us for the things we scream)

I don't think in the moment I really wrapped my head around the fact that we were really there. I kept looking at Madi and Marny trying to grasp the idea that we were finally there. I wanted one of them to slap me, and make me snap back into reality, but I was lost. I couldn't stop staring at them (mainly harry) but I just didn't know how to react to seeing someone you only see through a computer screen in person. They sang a lot of songs that make me feel things, a lot of emotions that I just don't know how to handle. One song that is truly beautiful every time is Little Things. Let me tell you how beautiful it is to hear them sing this song live. Their voices harmonizing so perfectly, and watching the stadium light up with phones. It is something so truly breath taking that I don't think this video captures it, but you get the idea.

(I had to trim it down, so here is a part of it)

In essence out of the three of us we filled three wiped phones with full capacity, used an iPod, and a camera. We captured the heck out of this concert, and regret nothing. just to wrap it up here are some last photos from the trip. These are anything from car scenes, to random pictures, one direction, and some jam session clips. Enjoy!

(Ashton on drums 5SOS)

 (Niall and Louis)

(Niall)

(The Famous Row move!)

(Liam and Harry)

(Liam)

(Zayn hitting his high note in moments)

 (The boys of one direction)

 (He kills me..)

 (Harry doing his thing)

 (My personal favorite!)

(Pre-concert kitchen selfies)

(Pre-Concert)

(our we arrived 4 hours early so let's take pictures photos)

(We crushed them)

(M&M World in Vegas)

(On the way home..)

(Sick lizard, dinosaur, and some other reptile car I saw on the road)

(Madi's snapchats were on point the whole trip)

(Did I mention car jams, forgive our moments of highly off key singing)

someone else

Ever since I got home from my trip I haven't really felt like myself. I have been trying to figure out why, and all I can come up with is one word, disappointment.

Have you ever woken up one day and just felt like a major disappointment? I have this week. I feel like I am disappointing everyone in my life, but most of all myself.

I feel as if I disappointed my friends while we were in Vegas. I couldn't put into words while we were there how insanely hard it was for me to be in that city. Something hard I have to face is doing things my brother loved to do. It is hard for me to do any of the things he enjoyed, or going to any of the places that he loved. Now if any of you knew my brother you know how much he loved Las Vegas. As soon as we arrived in the city that is all I could think about. All I could see in the faces around me were my brother. It was one of the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time, and it ripped my heart out knowing while I was in the city he loved, that he would never be able to experience it again. So to my friends I am deeply sorry if I disappointed you, and ruined what you wished would have been a more adventurous moment. I wish in that moment I could have been strong enough for you guys.

I disappointed myself. I once again let my mind be clouded with words that had no meaning, and what I thought to be genuine, and caring moments to become more that what they were. I allowed myself to slip into web of lies guys tell to get something from you, and I have been beating myself up over it for a week. I wish then that I would have held my guns, and stuck to the plan of not allowing the words he said make me believe that he was any different until he gave me a reason to believe he was. So to myself I hope one day I learn to forgive myself for the short comings I see in my own life.

Mostly, out of all of these I feel like I disappointed the most important person in my life, my heavenly father. I have done a lot of soul searching these last couple months, I have tried to convince myself that I didn't have to give 100% to what I believe in, because when I did give my all, bad things kept happening. So I guess in a way I thought well if bad things are still going to happen why must I give my all. I didn't do anything bad, I just let little things not bug me anymore. If I slipped up, and forgot to pray one night I simply would shrug it off. If I acted out as much as I ever could, mostly by being a major sass. I would shrug it off, and I honestly thought I might be able to handle my life without his help. Let me tell you something right now, I was wrong. I have never felt more lost, and scared then when I let my work towards becoming better slack off. I have seen the hole not having his light in my life as strong has caused, and I am on my knees daily now asking for his forgiveness, and help. I know I cannot do it alone, and I shouldn't have had to test my faith in order to know this. I shouldn't have let what the world expected me to be cloud the way I know he would want me to be. I hope one day in the near future I can have his light shine strongly in my soul again.

I don't know what it is about disconnecting yourself from all the noise of the world that causes the mind to solve the aches you feel inside, but it did just that. All I had to do was walk away from my phone, get away from social media, look at myself in the mirror, and honestly ask if the person who I saw was who I wanted to be. Try it. Turn it off, take a step back and see the world around you. Stop walking around like someone else trapped inside your body. Be the person you know you should be, and let the world get over it. You are who are supposed to be, no man, friend,  or random stranger on the street should ever make you feel like you are something you are not. Let the light in, and see yourself the way Heavenly Father does. You might be surprised the things you learn in such a short time.

finally. it is time

I know I know I usually post these lovely posts on friday, but this week make an exception. In order for me to write this I have to post it on saturday..

Ladies and Gents after 278 days of not so patiently waiting the time has come for us to leave for ARIZONA!

This has been the one thing I have been waiting for for so long that now that it is here I am so freaking excited I cannot handle it.
As you read this miss Marny Shaye, Madi, and I, will be driving our beautiful selves to Arizona. Where we will wait three more days until we see the BIGGEST BAND on the planet live. I know what you are thinking.. "Morgan they are just a band, you seriously cannot be this excited." my answer to you is FALSE! I am that excited and more none the less. Judge away I really don't care, they are my guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty for having. So let us all accept the fact that I love them, and move along with our lives.

Now while I am enjoying the Arizona sun, live music, the batman museum, and spending time with my mains. Enjoy your weeks, and keep on smiling. The sun is up, the day is new. Make it worth your while!

P.S. prepare yourselves for loads of pictures next week. It is happening! (:

always remember. every day has something beautiful in it.

what if

I have learned something new about loss. When you lose someone close to you, your mind tends to be filled with all of the what if questions. Questions you either have no idea why you are thinking, and the ones you know are true, but you are just too far into denial to admit to yourself. I am still to this day constantly asking myself the what if questions, but lately this one has been on my mind the most.

From a very young age I have always strived to be that person my friends and family could come to no matter what, and tell me anything. I have always loved helping people, and making them feel better. Over the years friends have turned to me in hard times, and I have tried my best to be that shoulder to cry on, and that positive light at the end of the tunnel for them.  For a long time I was proud of myself for being that person for so many of my friends..

However, when things got hard for my brother, and he started to withdraw from the bonds we had made, instead of reaching out, and being that person for him I withdrew with him, and frankly I got mad. I was mad at him for abandoning me. I was mad that all the promises, and secrets we shared were no longer relevant to him, or so I thought, and I was so mad that I didn't stop to listen. I think back a lot now on all the conversations we shared, and all the times I would just watch him trying to figure out what happened to my brother, and I never said anything. Instead I was so hurt that I let him go along his way without a word from me. I constantly am I asking myself, "What if I would have reached out. What if I would have asked him if I could have helped him. What if I was his strength more than just getting angry." Would this have changed anything? Could I have helped him before he was too far in? Could I have made him feel more whole inside than the darkness that fooled him to believe any less? I ask these things to myself often, and whenever I have those very one sided conversations with him, I plead with him to forgive me. To forgive my lack of understanding those three years. I pray that one day he will see how I felt, how hard it was watching him hurt from afar, and watching the darkness of the world consume him.

I am grateful that the last year I got to spend with my brother that our bond was beginning to heal. We both let each other in more in that year than we had in our entire lives. He showed me how hard life was for him, and I was striving to be that light for him. One of my most cherished memories I have now, is on our way home from thanksgiving dinner at my aunts house right after Taylor had started to get better, I hadn't seen him in almost a month, we were sitting in the backseat of the car just talking as a family, and I just rested my head on his shoulder. Keep in mind even when we were younger we knew we loved each other, we just weren't really affectionate. So this came as quite of shock to him. I remember I just looked up at him and said, I missed my brother. He put is arm around me and we stayed that way the whole way home. In that moment I felt my brothers love for me more than I ever have my entire life. I knew in that moment how sorry he was for not being there for me as much as he wished he could have, and I knew in that moment we were going to be okay. I am so grateful I had that moment with him, and I live in that moment always.

I still have my questions, my whys, what ifs, and how comes, but time is helping. In time I have come to know my brother deeper than I did when he was here, I have come to know of the strength he has given me, and I have seen is presence in my life. I see a lot of my brother in me now. I think he gifted me some of his tastes when he left, so a part of him could live on in me. I turn to him always, and pray for his help daily. I know he is happy where he is, and that he is my guardian angel here on earth. I honestly can't wait to have that moment once more with my brother, but until then I will live life for both of us, experiencing everything fully, and enjoying this life, because if my brother did anything during his time on this earth it was live.

sometimes things turn out okay

For quite a while I have been pretty stressed about things. Things that even though people said I shouldn't stress about I still was. A lot of the time I internalize a lot of what I am going through. I don't like people to think I am weak, or overwhelmed. So I keep it all inside.
Things pile up in layers inside me, stress, sadness, anger, exhaustion, frustration, etc. and it keeps piling up, until I burst. It isn't healthy and it isn't okay, but it has become a habit I have formed over time so that I wasn't a burden when others around me were worse off than I was.
However, this is a topic for a different day. This post is going to be sunny and bright if it is the last thing I do...

Well in my last post I talked about how through patience, and trust I was able to find the some light again. Guess what? It just keeps coming. I have been asking a lot of questions in my heart about what I was supposed to do, and how things were supposed to work out in my life. Well my friends I got some answers..

Two weeks ago I agreed to interview for a promotion at Pier 1.. it is a Sales Leader position. I was nervous about it since well this is my first real job.. but since I had been doing so well there. I GOT IT! I got the promotion and I am thrilled. It is so refreshing to be learning new things, and gaining management experience.

The afternoon after my interview I got tickets to see one of my favorite bands next summer in California with my girls, and I was so happy I thought it was Christmas already. I cannot wait to visit San Diego next summer, and take in the ocean, and my favorite things.

The same night as my interview I got an email from the financial aid department of my school informing me that I had been selected to receive the sophomore scholarship at my school, due to my academic performance last semester! I was thrilled. Even though my parents told me not to stress over it I still was because school isn't cheap these days, and even though this isn't going to pay for all of my school for the year. It is a big help! So I was quite the happy camper.

A lot of good things happened in such a short period of time I was overwhelmed. I didn't know whether to smile or burst into tears. There is so much happening in my life right now, and even though I am crazy busy, and exhausted half the time, the experiences that I am having, and the memories I am making are worth every second of it. So there you have it folks, my happy go lucky post. I am one happy girl for the time being, and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts..




By the way in case you were curious only 24 days until I get to see my favorite people live in concert in Arizona! It's okay if you can't control your excitement, I have the same feelings! (:

look up

I have sat here staring at this blinking bar for the past three weeks. I have been trying to think of something to say that wasn't overly depressing, or was too hard for me to write. My own personal form of writers block. I think at this point I have about 10 half written blog posts just sitting waiting to be touched. I have been waiting for that answer. The answer to what I have been searching for, and today I found it.

I have this constant battle within me every day. I wake up look up at the ceiling of my room, and fight with myself whether to get up, or just lay there, whether to smile at the thought of a new day, or see the day as what it is another day fighting the darkness in my mind.

I have never had do this before. I have always been able to face the days with a smile, and mean it. It was never forced, or lacking in genuine nature. However, it is different now. Even though I have thousands of reasons to smile and be happy, none of them seem to matter at that point in the morning. Well minutes pass over this internal battle, and I usually decided to get up frankly because there is no other option when you have to go to work, and I put on the face the world expects to see.

At this point people expect me to have the same overly optimistic smile, and positive attitude that I have always had. And truth be told I wish I was still that person. I wish I could see the light at the end of the darkness, and embrace the truths that I know. Now more than ever I wish I was as bright as I used to be. Now the darkness clouds me, and most days the darkness of the day wins over. This darkness isn't anything like temptations, or bad choices. It comes in more of a sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness, and depressing thoughts.. I think of things that are wrong in my life and not necessarily the good things..

For about a month I have been pleading to my Heavenly Father why he keeps putting really crumby things in my path. Why I had to experience all of these heartaches and pains. Why did Taylor have to have so many trials? Why did my dad have to lose his job? Why did Taylor have to be taken so early? Why couldn't Grandma have been around long enough to see me get married? Why did I not qualify for financial aid to pay for school? The list could go on. I am pretty sure he has just sat there listening to me as if to say, are you done yet? I have been so quick to shy away from any thought of gratitude that even the slightest things I would brush off.

That is why I posted my talk in my last post. I thought maybe, just maybe if I read the words I wrote, and found that sense of strength in gratitude again, that I could wake up in the mornings to see the light. It didn't come. I read and re-read that talk over and over and I got nothing. I needed a sign. A sign that He still cared enough about me. That the light was still there, and that I was still the grateful person I had always been.

It didn't come right away. The answer to the question I had in my heart didn't come to me all at once one morning. No, it came in pieces. It came in a Mormon message posted by a friend, it came in memories, it came in a few positive things happening in my life, but most of all it came by a way of patience. A patience that in some time The Lord was going to heal me. That one day I would wake up and look up and my ceiling and smile at the thought of facing the day ahead knowing that I was going to be okay.

I still wake up every morning and look up. I look up at my ceiling, and the darkness is still there. But if I looked around, if I turned my head to the left I would see a wall full of photographs of people who I love, and people who love me, if I looked to the right I would see a collage of photographs of my brother and me, if I looked forward I would see a quote, "If you can't control the wind, learn to adjust your sails", and if I really looked around I would see so much light that it could shine for the world to see.

It is still hard. No amount of gratitude or answers will change that. I believe that it will be hard for the rest of my life. That no day will be perfect because I am not perfect. I am learning day by day again to seek out the light, to find the rays that fill my soul. I hope to one day find the light again, to feel of it's warmth as it fills my soul. One day I will look up, and I won't see darkness, but the purest of lights..

maybe this message will touch your soul like it did mine.

who are you?

I wrote this a while back and I have found it to be a comfort in the past few weeks... enjoy.



In any situation you face in life there is always a silver lining. To members of our church these silver linings come in the form of tender mercies or blessings from our Heavenly Father.

Life is far from perfect. No one gets through life un-scared. This is not meant to frighten us it is there to teach us. In life there are two different types of people there are the Tiggers, and the Eyeores. For those of you who have seen the many adventures of Winnie The Pooh you know exactly what I am talking about. Tigger a fun-loving character who never lets a bad day get him down, he continues to bounce a long without a care in the world. And then there is Eyeore a pessimistic negative character that dwells on all the bad stuff that seems to happen to him. Now in the adventures of these two characters it always seems that more bad things happen to Eyeore. But if you watch closely most of the time these two are stuck in the exact situation, but you never realize that Tigger is having a bad day since he is never complaining. In a talk given by Elder Worthin entitled “Live in thanksgiving daily” he shares a story about a husband and wife who live and work together. It says: A long time ago in a faraway village lived a man who everyone did their very best to avoid. He was the type of person who believed that there was only one competent person in the world, and that one person was himself. Consequently, he was never satisfied with anything. His shoes never fit right. His shirt never felt comfortable. When his food wasn’t too cold, it was too salty, and when it wasn’t too hot, it was too bland. If a field wasn’t sowed by himself, it was not sowed well. If he didn’t close the door, the door was not closed properly. In short, he made a career of frowning, lecturing, criticizing, and mumbling about the incompetencies of every other person in the rest of the world. Unfortunately, the man was married, which made matters all the worse. No matter what his wife did, in his eyes it was wrong. No matter what the unfortunate woman cooked, sewed, or cleaned—or even when she milked the cow—it was never satisfactory, and he let her know it. She tried very hard to be a good wife, but it seemed the harder she tried, the less she pleased him. Finally, one evening she could take no more. “I’ll tell you what we’ll do,” she told him. “Tomorrow I will do your chores and you will do mine.” “But you can’t do my chores,” the man replied. “You don’t know the first thing about sowing, hoeing, and irrigating.” But the woman was adamant. And on top of that, she was filled with a righteous anger that frankly astonished and frightened the man to the point where he didn’t dare disagree. So the next morning the wife went off to the fields and the man began the domestic chores. After thinking about it, he had actually convinced himself he was looking forward to it. Once and for all, he would demonstrate to his wife how things should be done. Unfortunately, not everything went according to plan. In fact, nearly everything the man touched turned into disaster. He spilled the milk, let the pig get into the house, lost the cow, burned the dinner, and ultimately set the house on fire, narrowly escaping with his own life. When his wife returned, she discovered her husband sitting on a pile of ashes, smoke still rising from his clothes. But the woman wasn’t the type to rub things in. She helped him up, wiped the soot from his beard, fixed him a little something to eat, and then prepared a bed of straw for them to sleep on. From that day forward, the man never complained about anyone or anything else for as long as he lived.

This man was an Eyeore. By living in a life without any gratitude he made his life a horrible thing. By not being grateful for what he had and for the blessing his wife was in his life. He never seemed to think his life was good enough, or anything anyone did was good enough either. He harmed the relationship with his wife and all the other people in his life. We all know people in our lives that show these similar characteristics. Look at your life. When bad things happen who are you in the situation, now think of your friends. Who would you rather spend time with. I know I would much rather hang out in a room full of Tiggers than a room full of Eyeores.

You may be wondering how you can become a Tigger if you find yourself to be more of an Eyeore. Well the good news is it is quite a simple solution. Give thanks to The Lord. Show him your gratitude. There is a popular quote that states, “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” How true is that. It is so easy to look at a bad day and think it is never going to get better, but by noticing the hand of The Lord we can change our mind set. We are taught in the scriptures how valued gratitude really is. In D&C 59:7 it says “ Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” And as we know when we hear those two words in the scriptures “Thou shalt” we know that the Lord is commanding us to do something. Showing gratitude is a commandment given to us. When we show gratitude it is our way of showing our Heavenly Father that we see the silver linings he is sending us. Life is far from easy. It is something that takes work it is important for us to notice the hand of our Heavenly Father in all that we do. When we do this we will soon find ourselves to be more like Tigger people. I’m not saying that by showing gratitude, that all our problems will suddenly disappear, they will simply just become easier to live through.

My life has been far from easy and perfect. Some day’s trials hit me in the face and I feel like my life cannot get any worse than it is right now. It is how I face these trials that affect my life.

When my brother passed away I had to take a step back, and when I did I saw two options, almost like a fork in the road in my path it gave me two options. One option I could chose was from that day forward live a life with the attitude of “woe is me” or with the attitude that life was just never going to be good again, and how can I possible attempt to be happy when this huge piece of my life was suddenly without warning or cause missing. Then there was the other option, the option to face this new trial with a brave face and have hope. Hope that little by little I would grow and live my life the way my brother would want me to. To find that joy he so easily brought to my life in things that I would come across in the days to come. In that moment of decision I had to grow up, because the decision I made in that moment would affect my entire life, the life of my future family, and the life of my family now. That day I made my choice to live the life that my brother would be proud of, to live with hope that my Heavenly Father knew what he was doing, and to trust in his will.

Since that choice no day has been easy. I don’t wake up and feel like I am filled with life and everything suddenly is perfect. Every day I have to find that one thing that was a blessing sent to me that was supposed to get me through that day. And without fail there is always that one thing, and most times there is multiple ways I see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my life during that day. Heavenly Fathers hand is in all of our lives. That is his way of showing us his love on a daily basis.

Many of us have been in a situation where we have helped someone and received no gratitude in return for that help. How do you feel when that happens? I know I feel upset, almost to the point where I don’t want to help that person anymore, because I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

Well our Heavenly Father feels the same way when he blesses us, and we don’t show him our gratitude, he feels those same emotions, except being the amazing father that he is, he puts that pain aside and he continues to bless us.

We should not take advantage of our Heavenly Fathers love for us. We should show him our thanks and gratitude every day. I challenge all of you to never let a day pass where you don’t let your Heavenly Father know how grateful you are, and how much you appreciate his love for you and for all that he has given you. If you do this, little by little you will find that the burdens you are carrying will begin to feel lighter, and you will see yourself become more and more like a Tigger.

Another thing we can do is open our hearts. We need to let go of negative emotions. Anger, resentment and bitterness stunt our spiritual growth. We can cleanse our hearts by getting rid of the thoughts and feelings that drag us down.

Nephi certainly had reason to be resentful. Hated by his brothers, bound and beaten and nearly murdered, he had plenty to be bitter about. After his father died, Nephi must have felt completely alone. He surely felt threatened. He surely felt discouraged. He surely felt troubled. But when it came time for him to communicate his feelings, what did he write? “Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Yes his path had been difficult. Yes, his heart groaned because of mistakes he had made, but he did not allow himself to linger in negativity. Instead, he told himself. “Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee”.

The third thing we can do to live in thanksgiving daily, is open our arms.

One of the best ways we can show our gratitude is by blessing the lives of those around us. King Benjamin taught his people in Mosiah, “If you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice.” “Behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your god.”

We can live in thanksgiving daily by opening our arms to those around us. When was the last time you told someone you love how much they mean to you? When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to someone who has always been there for you, someone who has sacrificed for you, someone whose heart has always been filled with hopes and dreams for you?

When was the last time you unselfishly reached out to help another in need? Every time we cheer another’s heart, every time we ease another’s burden, every time we lift a weary hand, we show our gratitude to Heavenly Father to whom we owe all that we have and all that we are.

The blessing that come from opening our arms to others are among the choicest this earth has to offer.

As we strive to open our eyes, hearts and arms, our step will become a little lighter, our smile will become a little brighter and the darkness that sometimes tries to take over our lives will become a little lighter. Don’t be discouraged if you haven’t been an especially grateful tigger like person. Be happy and smile when you think of what an impression you will make on those who thought they knew you. Think how you will surprise them.

The Lord expects us to be Tiggers in our lives. The Lord promises us great things if we show gratitude. In D&C 78:19 it reads “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious”. In the topical guide it says that we should thank our Heavenly Father for His goodness to us by acknowledging His hand in all things, thanking Him for all that He gives us, keeping His commandments, and serving others. We should especially thank Him for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for the Savior's great example, for His teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help, for His infinite Atonement. Gratitude is a great thing to have in our lives and to show and express daily not only to our Heavenly Father, but to all the people we come in contact with.

Don’t wait to start. Open your eyes open your hearts and open your arms. If you do so, your life with have a new level of meaning and your will forge relationships that will last through out your life and into the eternities.

My heart is continuously filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for everything he has given me, for his great plan of happiness that gives me hope that I will be with my brother again, and that he has a plan for me in my life. What great peace that brings..

stay in my arms

I've had two early mornings in my life where I have been told news I didn't want to hear, and sat in a car with my family as I tried to find some answers to the inevitable devastation that faced us at the end of our drive. 

The difference between this time, and last time is this time now I am old enough to remember. I hear the tears, the silence, and I feel the loss more than I did when I was little. Both of these rides came at the end of my favorite ladies partings from this earth. It was the end of those hugs that warmed your heart, the countless opportunities of being built into the person you are today, and those special things only a grandma can bring into your life. I have now lost both of my Grandmothers.

One left when I was little. She was the most selfless, caring, and beautiful lady I have ever known, and I have missed her more and more as the days have past. And on Saturday, I lost my other grandma. I was luckier than some. I got this grandma for 19 years. She held me when I was sad, made us root beer floats at 2 am when me and Taylor would have sleepovers, she was strong, faithful, and selfless. I have wanted nothing more in this life than to make my Grandma's proud. I strive everyday to be more like these angels I had the opportunity to know on earth.

I made a deal with my Grandma Taylor once. I told her she had to live to be a hundred years old.. I knew then what I know now. I hated the thought of losing the one person I knew would love me unconditionally, the one who would send me notes to tell me how much she loved me, and was proud of me. The one lady I knew would tell me what she thought, and give me the love afterward to make me feel like I could do anything I wanted.

On Friday night we sat around her as she laid in bed, we sang songs, and watched as she moved along to the music.. As we were about to leave I stood by her side and told her it was okay if she couldn't live to be 100.. That I wouldn't love her any less, and that I would understand if she had to leave. I told her one condition, that when she left this earth to go to the next that she had to first slap my brother, and then hold him tight in her arms until I joined them once again. I told her I loved her more than words could ever say, and then I kissed her cheek one last time..


It is hard losing ones you love, and for me this loss hits hard. And I will be honest I am jealous of my grandma.. She gets to see Taylor. She gets to hold him tight and hear his laugh. My brother now has his two best friends, and I am still here. I guess I see how blessed I am. I now have four completely wonderful guardian angels.. I miss, and will miss them every day that I am apart from them. I feel a special burden now, one that I fill the need to carry, to live a life full of love, and laughter. To share special moments with friends and family. Just like my Grandmothers did. To carry their spirit with me throughout my life, and be the lady they knew I could be.

Heaven keeps filling up with people I love, and as much as it kills me to be away from them, I am grateful I will see them again. I love you so much Grandma. You have always been there for me and I will miss you more and more with each passing day. Keep my brother company until I see you both. I will keep the sass alive down here. I did learn from the best.