The difference between this time, and last time is this time now I am old enough to remember. I hear the tears, the silence, and I feel the loss more than I did when I was little. Both of these rides came at the end of my favorite ladies partings from this earth. It was the end of those hugs that warmed your heart, the countless opportunities of being built into the person you are today, and those special things only a grandma can bring into your life. I have now lost both of my Grandmothers.
One left when I was little. She was the most selfless, caring, and beautiful lady I have ever known, and I have missed her more and more as the days have past. And on Saturday, I lost my other grandma. I was luckier than some. I got this grandma for 19 years. She held me when I was sad, made us root beer floats at 2 am when me and Taylor would have sleepovers, she was strong, faithful, and selfless. I have wanted nothing more in this life than to make my Grandma's proud. I strive everyday to be more like these angels I had the opportunity to know on earth.
I made a deal with my Grandma Taylor once. I told her she had to live to be a hundred years old.. I knew then what I know now. I hated the thought of losing the one person I knew would love me unconditionally, the one who would send me notes to tell me how much she loved me, and was proud of me. The one lady I knew would tell me what she thought, and give me the love afterward to make me feel like I could do anything I wanted.
On Friday night we sat around her as she laid in bed, we sang songs, and watched as she moved along to the music.. As we were about to leave I stood by her side and told her it was okay if she couldn't live to be 100.. That I wouldn't love her any less, and that I would understand if she had to leave. I told her one condition, that when she left this earth to go to the next that she had to first slap my brother, and then hold him tight in her arms until I joined them once again. I told her I loved her more than words could ever say, and then I kissed her cheek one last time..
It is hard losing ones you love, and for me this loss hits hard. And I will be honest I am jealous of my grandma.. She gets to see Taylor. She gets to hold him tight and hear his laugh. My brother now has his two best friends, and I am still here. I guess I see how blessed I am. I now have four completely wonderful guardian angels.. I miss, and will miss them every day that I am apart from them. I feel a special burden now, one that I fill the need to carry, to live a life full of love, and laughter. To share special moments with friends and family. Just like my Grandmothers did. To carry their spirit with me throughout my life, and be the lady they knew I could be.
Heaven keeps filling up with people I love, and as much as it kills me to be away from them, I am grateful I will see them again. I love you so much Grandma. You have always been there for me and I will miss you more and more with each passing day. Keep my brother company until I see you both. I will keep the sass alive down here. I did learn from the best.
