It's okay to fall apart, it is okay to have a breakdown. At least that is what I try to convince myself when I have one. Somedays it is easy to not cry and not have a breakdown, but others it is harder than even I can imagine. I sit there and say to myself, "It is okay. Don't cry. It isn't going to change anything. You are stronger than this." When the truth is I am not stronger than this. I am so weak. I used to think I could face anything, that I was so strong. I have gone through a lot, and have faced some hard things, but nothing compares to this struggle I am going through. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of him. That I was the one that was gone, because than I wouldn't feel this hurt anymore. That pain in my heart wouldn't hurt anymore. I won't have to wake up in the morning, and convince myself that this nightmare is real, and not just a dream.
After my brother graduated from high school he went to a snowboard camp, that was the longest time I had ever gone without seeing him, and that was the first time I had ever truly missed him. I had never felt the loneliness that I felt for that week ever before, and I even wrote down on a piece of paper how much I missed him, and signed it. Now I look back, and I wish that I would have taken advantage of the time that I did have with him. We lived under the same roof for 18 years. Yes, he was my best friend, and my brother. But I feel like I wasted so many things. When silence came between us things changed, our relationship was strained, and I didn't want any part of it anymore.
When things got really bad a few years back, when the house was pretty much up in arms, in the year of silence between me and my brother. I used to think it would be easier if he was gone. I used to try to convince myself that we would move on. For some reason I thought this life I am forced to live was what I wanted. That is why I live with so much guilt every single day. I feel like I wished this upon myself. I wished for this hell I am living in, and it kills me. I want to take it back. All of it. I want my brother to be here. I don't care if it was stressful, and hard at times. I would take all of it just to see him again. To wake up and know he is here. I wish for the bad days with him. Because at least I had him here.
I find myself talking to him like he is here when I am alone. I lose myself in the day dreams that he is here with me. I find myself sitting in his room clinging onto anything and every part of him. I miss things that I never thought I would. I miss the over whelming smell of his cologne when he got ready, I miss his laugh and smile, I miss his hugs, and comforting words. I miss how he used to know exactly what to do to bug me, but mostly I just miss having someone who understood me. Most days it unbearable, and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I feel like a part of me is lost, and I don't know what to do, and there is no way I can fix what is broken inside me.
That is why I am so consumed with guilt. Most days I feel like this is my fault. That I brought this pain on my family. That I wished away my best friend.
I ask myself everyday if I was right. If it is easier, if it is better this way. And every time my answer is no. It isn't better, and it is far from easier. I wish I could take back those words I wished years ago. I pray that this guilt would disappear, and that I could just take it all back. I would do anything to have him back, to look at him one more time full of life, to take back all the words I said in dark times, and have him hold me tight and tell me it is all going to be okay, if only for that moment. To say I love you one more time, to laugh together, and to be complete once again.
I hope he knows that I never meant it. Now that he knows that I used to wish for this life. I hope he knows that I want him here with me every minute of every day, that I would give my life for his if it meant that I didn't have to feel this void in my heart anymore, and that I loved him more than I ever had the words to say out loud. I hope he knows that even on the days I curse him out loud for not being here, that I still love him. And I hope he is with me always, because at the end of the day that is all I really need.
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