This has been a rough week. Not in the day to day tasks I have had to do, but rather in the things that haunt me in my sleep. I have had the same nightmare for the past week.. Every night the dream comes, and every morning I wake up with such deep pain that I don't know what to do.
Each time it is the same. I am getting ready for the day, and my brother is here. We laugh and joke with each other. It seems like any other day, or at least the days I long for. Then like clock work something changes. I find myself in the darkness that was my brothers world for so long. A world he fought so hard to get out of. It is clear as day the darkness that consumes the world. I see it dragging him in, and I run after him. I reach for him, and he fights me I can't see him in his eyes anymore the bright light isn't there. I pull him in, and put his face in my hands and plea "why couldn't I save you?" Both of us fighting tears. I look into his eyes one last time and just as the light is coming I wake up.
I ask him regularly why I couldn't save him. Why couldn't I have done something for him to make him see it. It haunts me to this day that I wasn't here for him before he left this world. Why didn't I text him before I fell asleep the night before one more text just to tell him I love him? Why didn't I get one more hug before I left for the airport that morning? Why?
Maybe that is why this dream haunts me.. because I wish more than anything that there is something I could have done to change this story to make it be like it used to be. To just sit on the couch together and watch One Tree Hill, and laugh as dad tried to make us believe that he knew more about it than we did, even though he probably did. To look at him with some dorky face and hear that laugh. Oh how I miss that laugh. To see the way his face lit up when he talked about snow, and to see how anxious he got when the first snow graced the mountain tops. Oh how I just miss him. Dreams make me miss him more because I wake up wanting him to be here more than I do any other day.
I guess it all comes down to how much I miss my big brother.. I wish you were here Tay..
