tangled web

You know its funny...

The way "love" can go from utter and complete joy and happiness to the most destructive and destroying idea in the world. I have been talking to someone in my life who has helped me see that once again I have fallen into old habits.. the habit of keeping everything inside hoping it will all just magically disappear... Well, friends, the truth is it is not going away.

For the past year of my life, I have been filled with anger, bitterness, sadness, brokenness, and depression. I have felt betrayed by not only the man who I loved but also my Heavenly Father.
It has not been a great year for my relationship with him. Now, that being said I may be bitter but I haven't stopped having faith in him, or loving him immensely.. but I have been really upset with him.
So bear with me... because I have some things to share that I don't share lightly.

Where to begin...

One year and six months ago I fell in love with a beautiful man. He was everything I wished he would be when I found love again. He was kind, loving, tender, funny, and the most wonderful man I knew. He swept me completely off my feet. He filled my heart with the words I longed for the man I would one day love to say. He was my rock. I leaned on him completely. He dried my tears when I was sad.. he supported me in my dreams... he prayed with me. It all seemed so effortlessly easy to love him. It seemed like it was destined for us to love each other. One night we prayed, and we asked Heavenly Father if we had his blessing to get married because we wanted nothing else in this world than to be together forever... after weeks of praying together and discussing our future, we both received the answer to do so. We were so unimaginably happy. I was happy to find a man who loved me and who I loved just as much. One day we went and found the ring that would symbolize our love for each other, and we both had the reaffirming answer that we were the one for each other.

But just as quickly as love entered my heart love was taken away. The rug that was once underneath my feet, a solid soft comfort, was ripped out from me without any warning. The love of my life was no longer a man worthy of my trust. The 6 months we were together turned into a shambled mess of questioning whether he had been upfront and honest with me, or if it was as crumbled as the lie he so carelessly kept from me during our entire relationship. I began to question everything. The wall he had carefully help me destroy brick by brick that I had been building for years began to reconstruct itself in a matter of seconds. I shut down. There are no words in the English language that can describe the heart-shattering pain I felt for the 24 hours after he walked out my door.

The night he told me that he was lying about his age for 6 months and that he was actually ten years older than me, at the time shattered me. I let him walk out my door without knowing if I would ever see him again. I was devasted. I laid on my floor in a ball, sobbing, crying out to The Lord to make it stop... to take away every ounce of pain that was happening to me. I could feel every shattered piece of my heart begin to shatter piece by piece all over again. This time I knew I wouldn't recover so I laid there. Helpless and hopeless. I began to question everything in my life with J. He was supposed to be the one person in the world that I could always trust and always rely on. Even worse I felt like I had failed because I knew that he didn't trust me, or believe in us enough to tell me when we first started dating. The day that followed one of the darkest nights of my life was three days before we were supposed to fly to the midwest where I was going to meet his family for the first time. Instead, I went home to my family where I found myself constantly haunted by our ghosts. The ghost of the happy version of us. The version of us that I thought was unbreakable. I began searching for answers with my Father in Heaven. I prayed constantly for a week wanting him to tell me what to do because I knew I couldn't leave J... I knew leaving him would be the end of me... but I also knew that I no longer could love a man who didn't keep his promises to me. So I sat torn. Not wanting to move one way or another for fear that I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. However, life doesn't stop because you want it to. Eventually, I had to face him. I told him I would try to trust him. I was a fool to think I could but I was so blinded by the love I had for him that I didn't want to lose him.

So I stayed. I completely detached but I stayed. I asked him question after question wanting to get answers for things that were no longer crystal clear in my mind. I told him how lost I was, and how badly I just needed time. Then things turned. I saw this change in him. It wasn't so much desperation for holding on to us as it was determination. In some ways, it scared me. I wanted to let go but he just kept holding on tighter. One night when I knew I no longer could keep holding onto a man I no longer knew there. He sat on my couch, a remorseful shell of the man I wanted to love but not the man I knew. He sat there as I asked him the one question that mattered most to me, a question that answered a million others that he happened to have tied to my brother. I knew then in the rage I was in trying to understand if he was lying knowing full well that this lie would be the one to break us. Not his age, but this moment. He answered my questions and it was exactly what he wanted me to hear but deep down I knew that he was holding more back. So I told him that in that moment and the hundreds we had had yelling and fighting since everything was shattered that I had gotten my answer. I no longer thought we were supposed to be together. We cried and he held on to us so tight I wanted to change my mind I didn't want to walk away from him. The thought alone scared me, but I persisted. This was the moment the man I loved turned in the monster that would tear me apart for the next year. He looked at me with this blank expression as he told me that I wasn't praying the way I was supposed to because I wasn't getting the same answer as him and that if I would pray the way he did, the "right way", that I wouldn't have gotten that answer. I think I lost myself in that moment. I didn't understand what was happening but I just kept saying that it was over and then the one phrase that he said that would finish destroying me was said, "You are never going to find a man who will ever love you like I do." With those words, the last piece of me was shattered. I now had to face not only the reality of losing J but I was also reminded of my one true fear that I may be alone for good this time. He walked out my apartment that night and that was the night I knew I had lost him...

However, it didn't end there. The more I pleaded for space the less space he wanted to give me. no matter how many times I would tell him it was over and plead for him to hear me he wouldn't. I would sit on the phone with for hours as he talked at me not wanting to hear what I had to say as he constantly told me how I should feel. He filled me with worthlessness. He would tell me that I never loved him because I wouldn't just forgive him and that I needed to live the church's teachings to forgive man. He began to make me feel as if I was an awful person. The thing is I did forgive him. Heaven knows how much I loved him. I gave him my everything. I sacrificed my time to help him succeed. I was willing to sacrifice my dreams to help him reach is full potential... but in our situation forgiveness was never going to be enough. When I looked into his eyes I no longer saw the love of an honest man who treasured me... instead I saw emptiness. I no longer saw our lives together in his eyes. I just didn't know how to say that to him. So my broken heart piled up whatever courage it had left and I told him that I was done. It wasn't said with sweetness or compassion for a man I once loved. It was filled with anger and bitterness but I knew that he was so determined to change my mind that if I wasn't angry with him he was never going to hear me. He resented me for that. He made me feel as if I was the most awful person on earth for not sugar coating what I was feeling anymore in order to spare him. Truth be told I never wanted to hurt him. I didn't want him to feel the same pain he had caused me, but to him, I was now a monster, and he spared no time telling the world how awful I was.

Summer came, and I left just as he did to work at a camp over the summer. I never reached out, but I cried every night of that summer. I ached for him. I wanted nothing more than to be with him. No matter how badly he broke me and my trust I wanted him and only him. However, I still knew my answer... No... I prayed like crazy begging Heavenly Father to take it away to make it all a bad dream. I wanted it to not be true. I wanted the love we had, but he persisted. I became so bitter with him over the summer. I felt so betrayed that he would send me a man who would promise me the world only to take it away. I felt as if he had finally given me my happiness that so desperately had searched for since Taylor, only to have him rip it away from me. So I slipped away into myself. I began to only say the basic prayer. I no longer wanted to ask him questions. I still loved him.. it felt a lot like when your parents tell you that you can't spend time with your friends and you fight but you still love them but you don't really want to talk to them either. That's how it was. I would give him the bare minimum in my prayers because I felt like he had taken away all of my happiness. This darkness devoured me. I began to sink lower and lower, as I cried each night. Food lost it's flavor, things I once loved no longer mattered. I honestly had to force myself to get out of bed each morning to make it to work each day. Time passed and I didn't heal. My heart would break every time I heard our song play at work, or when I would see his jeep drive past my work. I felt so immensely lost.

As summer began to wind down I found myself sitting up one night like I did most nights terrified of moving back up to Logan. I knew he would be there, this time right across the street. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would run into him. The pure thought was incapacitating. I didn't know if I would run into his arms longing to be in them, or if I would want to hit him so hard for giving me the summer from hell. I faced my fears and I moved back knowing that I couldn't let him take over my life completely even when he was no longer in it. I went back to work as soon as I got there. One day at work I had my first answer from Heavenly Father since I was told to walk away. He told me I needed to text him. I didn't want to. Oh boy, I fought that prompting like crazy. Let me tell you. I had this prompting for three days. So I texted him. As I opened the doors of communication between us I began to question everything. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? What do we even have to say to each other anymore? He responded and asked if we could talk. I agreed and we walked around campus talking about our summers. I held nothing back and neither did he. I could feel myself slipping into him. I knew how badly I wanted to be his again, just as much as I knew it was never going to be again. He continued to say all the right things to me, as he filled my heart and mind with the words I had longed to hear all summer. I gave in. I thought that maybe if I gave him one more chance that I would know what to do now, now that my mind had cleared from the initial shock of our breakup. So he took me to dinner, he took me to a field and danced with me to our song. It felt right, but at the same time, the reaffirming answer of letting him go also began to be stronger and stronger. It was crazy how with each moment that I felt myself get closer to him something would come out that would make me not trust him. Whether it was him telling me how to feel, or telling me how the girl he always told me was not even an option in his life had become a bigger part of his life over the summer, or how he was going to stay with her for a week, and that if I didn't tell him not to go that he would probably sleep in her bed... and the man I knew once slipped further and further away. He would push and pull me around and when I didn't say or do what he wanted he would flip out. He wouldn't yell or get physically upset he would make me feel as if I had screwed up in some way to make him do what he was doing. He would tell people that I wasn't trying, or that I was going on dates with other guys just to hurt him, when in reality he knew that I was dating other guys because I didn't want to commit to him and he agreed, but he would use it against me time and time again making me feel like an awful person for trying to be happy again.

Just like that within a month, our webs began to tangle more and more, and the lies he told not only his friends about me but also teachers I knew began to come up everywhere. I was thought of as nothing more than a girl who was using and abusing a man who did nothing but love me. I received so many awful looks from institute teachers that he had heard his version of our story. His roommates looked at me as though I carried the plague and with it a scarlet A. The thing about this is I still don't think anyone in his life knew he was 33 years old. They all just think that I am the awful girl who broke him for not having enough money which couldn't be farther from the truth.

It has taken me a year and six months to realize that this man who I loved had emotionally abused me. He had convinced me little by little while we were together that I didn't need anyone but him. When I would get upset with my friends he would assure me that I didn't need anyone else but him because he was all I needed to be happy. He would say I love you when I was upset with him to make me forget why I was mad. He took bits of me little by little, piece by piece until he held every bit of me, and he waited to tell me the truth until he had me at a point of loving him so much that he didn't think I could leave him, and when I did the emotional turmoil just got worse. I couldn't talk to anyone because he told me that he didn't want anyone to make decisions for me, when in reality he wanted to make the decision for me, and the more I fought back the more he would use the things I had given him against me to make me feel like I had no choice than to be with him. He made me feel like it was my fault we didn't work. He wanted to manipulate me to feel and do what he wanted and when I wouldn't do it he would say or do things to make me feel like I was worthless or humiliate me to others.

It has taken a year and six months to understand that it is not my fault. After weeks of talking with my bishop (he made a pretty great therapist) about the depression, I was feeling that I did nothing wrong in our relationship to deserve being treated the way I was. Emotional abuse is something that is still misunderstood and is only thought of in the extreme sense, but it happens to more people than you and I can imagine. I learned that by giving a man my heart, and wanting to help him succeed by helping him in every way did not make me weak, and that when I did not run back to a harmful relationship it did not make me unforgiving. I loved J entirely. It wasn't always awful and hurtful. I have had to learn how to separate my feelings for J into two categories us, and him. The laughs, the love, the kisses, the I love you's are us. The manipulation, the lies, the shaming are him. I want to get one thing clear here. I am not innocent in our relationship failure one bit. I held back a lot of things during our relationship that would upset me because I was afraid to lose him. I figured in the grand scheme of things that bothered me didn't matter, and at times I was untrusting of his relationship with Lissa. I at times took out my pain of being cheated on in the past on him, and I know that at times it made him resentful of me. I know that I have also said things to him that haven't been said in the nicest way, and I know I have hurt him. I am not writing this to by any means taint the way anyone who knows J feels about him. Each of us have our own relationships and they are built differently. I know that I was/am emotionally abused by J, but that doesn't make him a horrible person that everyone should hate, but it is my reality. The reality I have not wanted to come to terms with, and still, struggle to wrap my head around each and every day. J will always be a man who I loved, and he will forever be one of my greatest losses. I have had to grieve losing a man I thought would be my forever, and that has and will be a battle. I now have gained a greater understanding that I am not broken, I am not unloveable, and I am not Hester Prynne for dating again and wanting to find a love with someone who is honest with me about everything.

For those of you reading still who know J. Know that I loved him. I wanted to give him the world, and I would have. I have never wanted to hurt or break him in any way, and every story has another side to tell and I hope you have heard mine. Your friend, brother, roommate, etc. is still one of the kindest people I know. I wish that this was not the end of our story, and I have always only wanted what was best for him, but what I know is best for us he never wanted to hear so I had to be the bad guy, and I am learning that it was worth me being known as the horrible girl that broke his heart in order for him to move on and find love with someone who I pray he will be honest with always. I genuinely enjoyed and loved getting to know each of you.

So, for now, I am here. Broken and healing. Learning to love myself, and to understand that Heavenly Father never wanted to break me or take away my joy and happiness. He wanted me to grow and learn more about love and relationships to help me to be ready for the man who is worthy of my forever... and I will wait for him whenever he comes. Until then I am learning to love me for me again, and that is enough.

fog

My heart hasn't been itself lately. It's a lot less optimistic.. and little more cloudy than usual.
Every where it goes it is haunted by ghosts of all things lost. Lost love. Lost hope. Lost futures.
I've been in this unfixable funk since March and it is exhausting. I wake up exhausted from the night before.. nights of tossing and turning.. nights of praying my mind would just let me sleep, but my mind is fogged with the same words that clouded up my heart.

"you'll never find anyone who will love you like I did."

                                  "You're just like everyone else. Unforgiving."

   

                       "You should just forgive me.. it's not like I cheated."

"Everyone thinks you should forgive me .. we can start over."

Over and over his words circle in my mind. Constantly making me doubt my own revelation and feelings. A constant feeling of manipulation fills my mind and heart.  Making me wonder if I made the single biggest mistake of my life. I have felt trapped in the darkest corners of my mind for far too long.

I need to find serenity.. and I needed to find it in a place that wasn't clouded with the ghosts of who we used to be. That couldn't be found in Logan, or unfortunately in my home because your ghost still haunts me. The memories.. the laughs.. the kisses.. all of it haunts me.

I needed clarity. I needed hope. Most of all I needed peace.

My heart and soul needed to pick up the pieces of what he broke and then continued to break. No amount of tears.. sad movies.. breakup playlists could heal me this time. So I left..

I left the ghost and the fog behind and came to the place my soul longs to be. I came to the sunny home of my soul where the ocean and sand could heal me.

If you need me I'll be here. Letting the sun chase out the fog, and the ocean purify my mind. I will let the laughter of my kiddos allow me to smile fully.. which it hasn't done for weeks. I am giving myself the permission to heal from this.. 

*Off to the sea... I'l be back soon.*

fine line

I have come to realize there is a fine line between being madly in love, and falling out of love. There is no road map for love. No guidelines to follow, no X marking the spot of where we should be, and how to get to that point. If you would have told me that the love I have felt for the past seven months could be gone with the snap of his fingers I would have told you-you were crazy. I have loved before, and I have felt the loss of love before but none of those times can relate to the magnitude of loss I have been feeling these past few months.

My mind has been in this constant battle between loving the man who hurt me or walking away from the first love that has made me feel things I have never felt before. It all seemed so simple when we met. Fall in love with the man who seemed to be everything that I thought was picture perfect, finally have a forever, but there I was standing on this line between loving and leaving terrified of what would happen when I took that step forward. Would we snap? Would the love we had to be enough to fix the lie that had destroyed everything I thought we had? Could I live a happy life knowing that within an instant that line that once held us together could be erased? I lived the better part of two weeks standing still. Not wanting to lose the man I thought I had forever to love, but not wanting to hurt anymore. I stood still. Terrified.. In denial... Broken... and in disbelief asking myself how a love that was once epic could be taken from me in an instant. That was something my mind couldn't wrap itself around. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to have to walk away from a promise of forever because our forever looked perfect in my mind.

However, nothing is perfect, and the life I once thought was perfect was far from it. All I wanted was to be loved and to have love in return. I based this blog three years ago off the fact that I am utterly and immensely afraid of being alone, and for once in a long time I had that peace of knowing I wasn't going to have to be alone anymore, and when that peace was taken from me I was constantly wondering why again. Why me? Why could I not have happiness just this one time? Why is every dream, and every wish I have taken from me? It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who is honest, and true. Who is everything you wish for, and everything you need, but in reality it is! It may not be impossible because there are millions of epic and true love stories that give people like me hope that some day when we least expect it that great and epic love will find each of us...

Lately, as I have been faced with what I consider to be the second greatest trial of my life I find myself wondering what I did in my life that brought me here. At this place where I find myself questioning my heart, my mind, and everything else in this world. I have always tried to be strong when I am feeling unimaginably broken and low. I strive to be the person I wanted to be no matter what circumstances I found myself in, but here I am broken and pretending to be strong and happy when really I can't manage to go a day without crying over lost love and lost hope. It's crazy how quick life can go from being so blissfully happy to so unimaginably low within the matter of a single day. I found myself in a situation where I was giving my entire heart, mind, and soul to a man who didn't give all of himself back and the results were catastrophic to my entire being. He was everything I wanted love to be. He was the man that I used to dream up when I was a little girl wishing on stars for, but in the real world perfect is just something we all aspire to be not some thing that can be found, and no one can live up to the expectations of perfection because we are all human.

Even though I am broken I wouldn't change a thing. The love I felt for him was not wasted. It was an epic love. A love some only feel once in a lifetime, but for me I hope I am lucky enough to feel it one more time. He was kind, funny, loving, and spiritually centered... but in the end no matter how many times I was reassured that he was the one I was supposed to be with.. it didn't change who he is, and what he was keeping from me. My heart was open and ready to move forward. His was open but not ready to move forward. I hope one day I will find a man whose heart as open to mine as mine will be to his. 

Love is a fickle business. It can't be rushed, or slowed down. Once love is part of our lives, our lives take on a whole new meaning and speed. If I have received anything in this experience it is that you have forever to be together when you find the right person, and forever is long enough that no time will be wasted while you wait to get to know each other. The next is that no one is perfect, and I know that, but that doesn't mean you deserve less than what you feel you are worthy of because everyone is worthy of perfection, so find someone who is constantly striving to be so. Lastly, there is no amount of love, compassion, or friendship that can heal broken trust. Trust is crucial for any relationship to work, and if that is broken or altered it is almost impossible to get back to complete trust. Almost. No abound of manipulation of what love should be, or belittling of your worth can change a heart that has lost trust. NONE. 

I won't settle for a love less than what I know I deserve. My past love was exactly who I needed to show me that love is real, and I could believe in it again. He taught me to love when I didn't want to love another person again, and he taught me that I can take down my walls when I am with someone who I know I love. I want nothing but the best love for him. He is a great man, and I hope one day that greatness will bring great love and he can fully open his heart to that person, but unfortunately that great love is not ours.

So dear future someone. I am here.. striving for perfection.. striving to better myself.. striving to keep my mind and heart ready to accept your love..

stillness

It's a new year. Crazy right? Just like in new years that have come and gone I have found a second in this new moment in life to look back at the past 365 days of my life. What good did I see? Did I do any good? What bad things came in my path? Did I overcome them with the grace and dignity that I strive to have? The answers this year came in floods. This past year was one filled with love, and hope.. but most importantly light.

As most of you have read in past posts there have been a lot of points these past few years where the light in my life has seemed quite dim. I didn't think a lot of things were going to be a reality in my life, and I had come to expect that the Lord was all about sending me new and hard trials to test my faith, but that at least at this stage in my life trials were about all I was destined for. It didn't really matter what positive quote I would read, or what kind of activities, and the type of people I associated with would change that mindset. I had come to accept that I was going to have to be fearlessly alone for the foreseeable future. That wasn't something that came easy for me to accept whatsoever, and I most definitely am not sharing this with you because I want any of you to feel sorry for me. I think in my own way this was greatest trial I have had so far in my life. The trail to accept myself. To accept that even though I didn't want to be; that I would have a miraculous life being alone with just myself. I think the Lord knew I needed to learn to accept my brokenness as a starting point to being able to move forward with my life.

In many moments it seemed that this new stillness of being alone was lonely, but the more I found myself alone the more I felt strong. In those moments I didn't see fulfillment in my life in the form of how quickly I was going to get married, or even if I was going to get married. I didn't see happiness in how many friends I had, or where I was living. I learned to find happiness in a life with just me, and that turned out to be enough.

I am enough friends.

I think that is the most important thing I am taking from this past year. Despite the heartbreaks that found me, and the trials that I faced, or even the amazing trips and laughs that I had. Though they were great they weren't my most redeemable moments these past 365 days.

So if I could share one last thing to start off this new year. If you are struggling with being alone. With the ideas of loneliness, and fear of a future that you can't foresee. I would give you this one piece of advice from someone that has been there. Stop. Breathe. Take it step by step. One single 24 hour day at a time. Learn to find that you are enough. There is no other man or woman in this world that is going to define you, or make you feel complete. That is your job. You have a responsibility to yourself to love every ounce of you. It may not be easy. Heck some days you are going to sit in a ball in your room and cry out that you are done. I've been there. I know that heart shattering moment when your heart and mind decide that you don't deserve to feel that completeness that others in the world appear to have, but let me tell you one thing, that voice in your mind and your heart is dead wrong. One day you will wake up and learn that a life with just you might not be so bad, and that your heart and life can be complete because you are enough.

I know that when you accept that idea.. that single notion.. that amazing things change. You will find more joy and light. There is a light out there for the lonely and afraid, and oh how I have missed it in my life.

So friends here's to a new year filled with light, and learning that we are enough.. and the world can't tell us otherwise.

merry christmas you filthy animal

This Christmas was different from a lot of Christmas's I have had in the past few years. This year I celebrated the Holidays with someone very special to me.. We started new traditions that we hope to be able to do in the years to come. He spent this Christmas holiday with my family and it was an absolute treat.

Despite all the new memories, and new traditions the traditions of how Christmas used to be wished there way into my mind. Christmas always was my brothers favorite holiday so with that there came a lot of things we would do to celebrate. For the past three Christmas's we have tried to find a balance between keeping the memories we all held dear, but were also too painful to enjoy and starting new traditions even though we didn't like the idea of having traditions without my brother.. but we some how one Christmas at a time are finding ways to be better, and finding ways to enjoy this time of year again with happy thoughts instead of heart wrenching pain that used to come from it.

I am grateful for this time of year because I do feel especially close to my brother, and I know that because of the reason we celebrate Christmas is the reason that I know I will get to celebrate with my brother again. I am grateful for my family, and friends for there constant love and support the offer me, and for the time I get to spend with them during this time..and this year I am especially grateful for Julian.. He really has helped me to make Christmas something I can enjoy again.

So from my home to yours Merry Christmas... Enjoy our Christmas Carpool Karaoke..

All the Love

chances

"Forget the risk and take the fall. If its what you want then it's worth it all."

I've been thinking about chances lately. The chances we take, the ones we don't,

And the ones we take and fall. I think there's so much beauty in chances and the possibilities that come from them. With one slight move the way your life has been for so long could be changed in an instant. I never used to be good at taking chances. I hated the fear of change and the darkness of the unknown, but I guess when the unknown is all you have you can't be fearful your whole life.

I made a promise on a dark day filled with a lot unknowns to my best friend. I promised to start taking chances to make this world my own. To fight for what I want and have the courage to leave what I don't. There were times it wasn't always easy to say what I felt and risk my heart or my strength, but a lot of things became more clear and the change didn't seem so scary anymore. Along the way I got weaker and my promise seemed to fade. I didn't stop all together but I fell and things changed. The world didn't seem as open as it had just a few months before. I retreated back to the person I used to be in an attempt to heal my wounds. I knew it wasn't what he wanted for my life. I knew he'd give me one of those brotherly advice talks to get me back on track if he was here, but he's not so I avoided thinking about the chances I was letting pass me by. Just hoping maybe he'd forget it too and let me just slide through life without even skimming the surface, but we all know he's not the one who forgets things.

So I took a chance. I made a change. In an instant my life went from my safe little bubble that I had grown to love the past three years to a whole new world of unknowns and possibilities. Those first moments were terrifying. The world felt dark and unsure. As if everything and everyone I knew was suddenly worlds away. So in a long sleepless night I remade a promise that I had made once before. A promise to take chances. To live life the way it was meant to be lived filled with hope, joy, and endless possibilities. I promised this time I'd get back on my feet when I took a chance and it failed. I promised him I would try to be open with my heart and to let people back in.. to be open to letting love in and knowing that maybe it could work but if I tried and it failed that I could recover because my heart had been picked up before and it could do it again.

I know that he is watching me live the life I used to dream about. This is the dream I used to have so long ago. A dream to be here, to be growing more than I ever thought possible. I hope with every passing day he's proud of me, and holding me to that promise. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't still terrified in those moments when I put everything I have into a chance, but everytime I have kept true to my word and put a part of myself out there the nerves have gone away, and the unknown hasn't seemed so scary.

So here's to the chances we take. The ones that make us think our lives might not ever be the same. The ones filled with endless opportunities and possibilities. I hope you all take a new chance today. Tell someone what's on your mind. Heal the broken pieces by doing what ever you've been putting off. If one thing is for sure in this world is that we dont know how much time we have so why should we live the time we do have in fear of the great unknown, or in the fear of changing our lives entirely. All I know is I'm happy living life as fully as I can knowing that I will make it no matter what it brings.

the dark week..

I'm sitting in bed writing this.. because the fear of closing my eyes is strong. When I finally do I know what will come, and i'm avoiding it with all I have. So here I am hoping that if I say it out loud that maybe just maybe it will be easier to sleep tonight. That the nightmares won't come, and the tears won't fall. So please bear with me...

I've always hated this week. Each new day brings memories, nightmares, and some of the darkest days of my life. I look back to just a few years ago. I had just graduated from high school and the world seemed to be in front of me. I was headed on my first big solo adventure and I felt so ready for the life in front of me. I was ready to see what had been waiting outside of that old brick building. I was ready to find myself. I had just spent a night out with my family before I left on my trip laughing, and eating at our favorite place. We were celebrating that night. We were celebrating Tay's birthday knowing that I would be gone one his actually birthday. I remember sitting in our booth laughing and joking about how Tay was going to boycott my next birthday because I was not going to be here for his. We laughed and laughed. A few days after that I left early in the morning to catch my flight. As I was leaving the house I leaned down to my sleeping brother on the sofa and I told him that I loved him, and that I would see him soon. He didn't say anything back, he simply sighed and rolled over. I laughed because I knew he was thinking, "ya ya love you too sis. have fun. but please stop talking it is 5:00 in the morning." I remember texting him later that morning as I was sitting in the Atlanta airport for an eternal lay over. I sent him a picture of one of the television screens because it had the answer to a question on a game he was playing that we had talked about the night before. We laughed together. The next three days seemed to come and go in a rush, I saw him in passing as I facetimed my family one night as he was on his way out. We joked and I told him I would see him on Sunday when I was going to facetime them again. The next thing we did late one night.. I couldn't sleep. So I stayed up and watch a little Boy Meets World. I remember laughing thinking of the hundreds of times I had watched this with my brother, so I sent him a video clip we laughed and talked about the moments that followed that clip. Then I fell asleep. No other words were said between us that night.

Then the next day.. In one single moment my entire life was altered. There was no longer a wide open field in front of me anymore.. When I looked at the life ahead all I could see was darkness. It was gone in the instant I heard the four words that would change my life for the remainder of my life. "He didn't wake up". That's all it took. I remember sitting in a room in a church in Tennessee listening to my cousin tell me these words. I remember looking up at the ceiling and feeling the world around me start spinning faster and faster. It couldn't actually be happening.. Could it? Could someone really be here 12 hours before and then gone? I walked through it all...the last conversation we had, falling asleep knowing I would see him the next day when I was going to facetime my family... It all seemed so normal.. But then there I was sitting in what seemed like a nightmare. I was praying someone would come around and wake me up but no one did. I just sat there thinking of how this could be possible, how could he really be gone, and what was I supposed to do now. He was literally all I had. He was the only person who had talked me off the ledge I always seemed to find myself on, the person who seemed to find the clarity in the haze that was my life, and he was always there to tell me how important I was.. and honestly he was the only one I believed.
 It all seemed so surreal after that, I ended up in a restroom down the hall after aimless walking. I'm sure the people I passed in the hall thought I had lost my mind because I had tear stained cheeks, and a dazed look in my eyes that I noticed when I saw my face in the mirror. I began pinching myself begging myself to wake up, but just like before in the classroom, it wasn't a terrible dream. I didn't know who to talk to.. Where to turn.. What to do.. So I walked out of the bathroom and I followed my family outside and I got in the van as they took me home. When we got there I just started pacing. I swear I wore holes in the floor I walked in circles for so long. Every time I tried to stop and I'd sit down I would just start crying uncontrollably.. So I'd get up and walk in circles again.. And again.. And again. I didn't know who to talk to.. I didn't want to talk to anyone.. but I did.. I told the last person I thought I would. I told the last person I loved. I remember how supportive he was, how he wanted to step in and help right then. I never thanked him for that.. I wanted to a hundred times, but words never seemed to be enough.

Then I came home and it didn't seem real once more. I thought for sure I was going to walk in the front door and he'd be there. My brother would be sitting on the couch right where he was when I left and where I whispered I love you as he slept, but I walked in the door to find that punch in the gut reality that had persistently been hitting me the past 24 hours. The house felt different. Like a someone had changed something, but at the same time it felt so full. I always thought it was all the people that seemed to be coming and going. The people who would sit and hold me as I cried, or the ones who silently sat as I stared in a lost daze not knowing what to say or do.
I remember the whispers.. The looks on everyone's face.. I remember all the tear stains on the cheeks.. The people everywhere I turned.. And the food that seemed to always be showing up even though I never felt like eating it.. The next week seemed much more of a blur. Planning flowers, creating programs, finding pictures.. Slideshows.. And writing talks. It all came and went so soon that suddenly I was there. I was sitting in a room grasping onto the last strand of my brother. I remember standing in that room the whole time. Never leaving his side. My hand on his.. I felt like if I never let go then he wasn't really gone. I prayed and prayed and prayed for courage that night. To hold onto any form of grace that I had left inside of me to be there. I remember my brothers friends checking on me. Making sure that I was okay. Being my brother for him. I relied on them to get me through..I had two other constants. My two rocks. The two I knew that no matter what, that they were going to be there. Jenn and Gav never left my side.. I swear if I didn't convince her I was going to sleep some nights  jenn would have been at my house around the clock, and I don't think she will ever know how much knowing that saved me. Gav has always known me better than anyone. He can look at me and know when I'm putting on a face for people or if I'm truly how I say I am, and he always knew just what to say or do. Bringing me stashes of Mountain Dew or bringing movies to try and make me smile if even for a moment. I know that without those two I would have been a lost ship at sea.

Then it was time. We sat in a room and said goodbye. I remember following him into that chapel. Looking at all the people there and it didn't seem real. This couldn't really be happening? I couldn't be facing this moment now. He was my brother and now there I was saying goodbye, and it didn't seem right. Nothing seemed real and nothing seemed fair. So I cried. Because I didn't know what else to do. Then it was time. I had to dry those tears and stand in front of a room full of people who loved him and tell them why I loved my brother and what made him so amazing. I did. I told them how much I admired him.. How much his courage inspired me.. How much his determination to follow his dreams made me want to follow mine.. And how I would be counting down the days to see him again. It all came and went so quickly.

Then we were alone.

Left to figure out how we could possibly live on...







Now here we are three years later and we are still learning. Every day I wake up with the reminder he is gone, and every day I cry a little less than the day before. I cry every single day longing for my brother. I'm not perfect. I'm not healed. But I'm getting better. Some days I still sit on the living room floor and bawl my eyes out because that hole in my heart is still there. It always will be. But some how I manage to get up wipe the tears and face the world outside because I know my brother wouldn't want me to cry because he's gone. He'd want me to live my life the best I can because he always believed in me.

One day maybe I will wake up when this week comes and I won't be terrified. I won't fear the nightmares that bring sleepless nights and I won't remember all the dark and twisty parts that this week brought me. One day I am going to wake up and only remember the things that came to my life this week. Because despite these being some of the worst days of my life, some of the greatest things I know and have came from this awful week. I use them as a reminder that despite this darkness.. I now can face the world in front of me and that I will find my way. That one day these moments will shine a light on what my life has always had in store. It may be a hard road ahead to get to that light switch but I know that it is out there and when I find it I will look back and know that it all mattered for some reason. Every memory. Every laugh. Every fight we had. Every inside joke. Every hug mattered. Because it brought me to where I was supposed to be. And that is the greatest gift my brother has given me.

I pray the one day I won't be haunted by the words I left unspoken. That one day I will be able to live through this week without fearing I will breakdown in the middle of the store because my heart is so broken. I pray that one day I will heal. I try every single day to find the broken piece and put it back together with the others, and some days I am successful, and I can fill them up one by one, but I am human. I have bad days where I leave the pieces untouched and I let my heart consume itself in grief and pain, but every time I do the pieces I have managed to fix make it easier to get up and face the world around me. I honestly don't believe that I will ever be able to be fixed. I know I am broken, and I have learned that being broken doesn't mean you're anything less. I have had some of the hardest times of my life, but I have learned so much more about myself than I ever thought possible three years ago, and I know that it is because of my brother. He is guiding me, helping me, saving me, protecting me every single day. That is how I know that I will be okay. He always has been the best big brother. So I will wait until that day when I can finally see him again, and tell him that I love him more than I could ever find the words to say, and thank him for being my one and only big brother. Loving you always missing you still brother of mine.

I know you're here guiding me to that light switch.. Just promise not to laugh when I trip over my own feet.. We both know how good I am at that.

Forever