to whom it may concern

to whom it may concern,

Do you ever think of me? Do you wonder what has been running through my mind? Do you ever think about how much this is killing me inside?

I have spent the better part of these past two week having all these things I want to say to you rushing through my head and it never stops. Not words of wanting or needing you, or words of professing love, but words of honesty, and sincerity. I have a lot of regrets, and unresolved issues when it comes to you and all I want is to let you know that I don't blame you. I don't blame you for a second for the pain that has happened over the last few years. We were young, neither of us knowing which way to go. We jumped. It was messy, it was reckless, and more than anything to me it was real. You told me once that you didn't know what love was back then. That you didn't think at that point you knew what I knew. I knew I loved you. From the moment we were in the car driving home and I looked at you as you smiled I knew that I would always love you.

Times have changed. We have changed. I'm not the hopeless romantic I used to be.. unfortunately the world has changed me. I don't see the world in black and white when it comes down to what happened with us. I know that you didn't mean to hurt me like you did.. that we were on two completely different paths and at the time you were the glue that picked up my already shattered heart off the ground and pressed the pieces back together even if for a moment to make me happy.. to make me feel joy like I used to. Then without a warning.. and without a reason I was left here laying on my floor for hours feeling the pieces fall apart once again. I felt every shattered piece that was once broken fall one by one. I have only felt this pain twice in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. At first I blamed you. I wanted someone to blame, and I pushed that blame on you and it wasn't fair. I made you out to be this demon who had destroyed me.. Honestly I wish it was that simple. You were never that person. You are good, and I was lost. I had lost every sense of who I was, and you had a part of me with you that helped me remember. You reminded me how to laugh, to smile at love, and to let others in. You were the first person I told when my life completely fell apart, and you were so strong for me. I remember in that moment that was when I knew I truly loved you, because despite everything we have been through you were by my side.

When I finally found the words to say to you I was still as lost as I was the moment I found out what would eventually remove the glue that was holding me together. I said things that in the moment I thought I needed to say to you, but I didn't need to. I should have said so many different things.. but at the time it all seemed so black and white.. I was in love and I thought you loved me too, but the truth is we weren't.. I may have loved you, but you weren't there yet, and I didn't want to accept that. I wanted that fairytale with you.

As years have passed and I have thought about you every day the words to mend what had been broken just never seemed strong enough. I tried to take down the fence that I know I had built too high. You were just being diligent and strong, and doing what I said I wanted. But it hurt me knowing that I couldn't repair what I broke even more.

I wanted to tell you all this when you told me why you did what you did.. asking me to forgive you.. which I already had. I told you I had moved on, but the truth is I haven't. Trust me I have tried. Every time the opportunity has come I have tried to let go of the thought of you and me, but despite my best efforts you were always there in the back of my mind as a giant what if. What if it works out for us in the end? What if when the time comes for us to see each other again will it all be okay? Could we finally have that picture perfect ending? So I found myself with so many wrong people. People who have taught me a lot about myself, but people who stole pieces of me in the process.

I want to tell you all of this not because I want to be with you, because even though I would love to be in love with you again I understand that this like much of what we've gone through isn't black and white. You are you. and I am me. We have been living completely different lives, and though time has passed with every conversation we have I can feel you tip-toeing around me. Not wanted to say what you want to, and me not wanting to end it. All I want is for you to know that what happened between us may not have been okay, what you did isn't okay.. but I don't blame you for it. I don't hold that pain in my heart anymore. I want nothing more than to have my friend back. It has been too long, and too weird not being able to talk like we used to. I hope one day we can get back to that place. You will always be the guy I fell in love with. The guy who made me feel like a princess, and made my heart whole once again when I didn't think I ever could. You gave me hope those years ago, hope that one day my heart can feel whole once more. So thank you. Thank you for being there for me, for being my friend, for loving me the way only you knew how.

Forever..

frozen

I recently got a photo for my mother for Mother's Day it is a photo taken at my high school graduation.

this is the last full family picture we have. Which is a very very odd thought to think of.

I catch myself staring at that photo as much as it makes me happy it also makes me quite sad. I feel like I have been frozen in this picture. That time has completely stopped from this moment on.

For the past two years.. one hundred and four weeks.. seven hundred and thirty days.. seventeen thousand five hundred and twenty hours.. my life has felt like it has been in a stand still. A part of me feels like this has been much more than that, and other times it feels as if it was yesterday when this picture was taken and those smiles and laughs filled my life.

As we reach the two year mark of being without Taylor, life doesn't feel like it has gotten any different, better, or easier. I honestly don't think it ever will. There is no part of me that believes I will wake up one day and believe that it is easier, or somehow okay. I will never be okay with the fact that my brother left this earth way too early. I may understand and have beliefs on how in some ways it was for a much more divine plan. It never hurts my heart any less, or takes any of the pain away from losing such a big part of my life.

Many days have come and gone since this day two years ago. Many moments shared in laughter.. In sadness.. In stillness. Many moments that have felt so surreal and unlike any I have felt before. When I was little I used to think all my angels lived in the clouds up so high that I knew they were there but I just couldn't quite reach them. I remember jumping higher and higher hoping one day I just might get high enough to see their faces one more time. As time has gone and I have gotten older I have realized that my angels still may be up in those clouds it just isn't quite time to see those faces again. This week as I was flying home I was up above my clouds. Looking down on them as if for a brief moment I had jumped high enough, that if I just looked hard enough I would see my angels. I looked down, and I didn't see my angels faces, but I saw this beautiful world, the wonders, the vastness, and the pure immensity. I lost my words I was reminded of the fact that my clouds do hold my angels. My angels are here in the vastness and the beauty. Yesterday, I saw my angel in the sky as I looked down on the world from the clouds and my brothers song played in my ears. "don't you worry, don't you worry child. See heavens got a plan for you." I know my angel is up in those clouds. Always looking down on me. I'm just not ready to see his face quite yet.

So as we come to two big milestones this year I am making a promise to my brother to live better, to live the life he would have wanted me too. To try to smile more, and let go of all the hurt and pain in my heart. To find someone who will help heal the hole in my heart even just a little. Because even though he knows how much I hurt, and have an ache in my heart everyday, that he is always here, and he cares about my happiness.

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, as  I often speak your name, all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part, God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

I miss you every day brother. No amount of time will ever change that. You are and will forever be my best friend, and even though two years have passed without your laugh in my everyday routine, or your ever so wise advice. I have gotten to know you more in the past two years than no one ever thought was possible. I love you forever best friend. Keep on protecting me, and guiding me.

a little too much

I have said it once and will say it again. Sometimes music speaks louder than words. And this week music has said it all for me. 

"She would not show that she was afraid, But being and feeling alone was too much to face,
Though everyone said that she was so strong,
What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much,

She would always tell herself she could do this
She would use no help it would be just fine
But when it got hard she would lose her focus
So take my hand and we'll be alright

And she knew that she would be okay,
So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much, yeah.

A little too much, I said a little too much, oh.

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much yeah!

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,
But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much."

-A little too much, Shawn Mendes

lost in time

Lately time has been on my mind. The way we spend time doing things we love, doing things we don't love, time spent at a job, or school,  time spent worrying, or time spent wishing we just had more time. Time is relative; you never know how much you have, or how much of your time you have spent. I think it all is hard to comprehend. You spend time worrying about how much time you have, or you spend time thinking about all the time you could have had.

I've worried a lot lately about time. Time I wish I still had, time I thought I was supposed to have. I think the hardest part is realizing that there is time I will never have again. Maybe losing time isn't the hardest thing we have to face in this life. What if the reason we are having a hard time with time is that it is something we cannot control. We can't control when others time is up, or we have something come up that takes a bit of our time. It is human nature to want to control our lives, so why not be frustrated with the thing that no matter how hard we try, how much planning we put into we will never be able to control. We can spend the precious time we have thinking of ways to extend the time we have, or we can take the time we have and spend it making adventures, memories, and spending time with those we love.

I often wonder if I spent the time I have had well. If I spent the time I was given with those I love the best way I could. Some days it is different. I often think that I was given the short end of the stick when it comes to time spent with those I have lost over time. I ask the typical questions, what if, why me, what could I have done differently; and 9 times out of 10 the answer is a lot.. I don't know how to describe to you the amount of time I have lost wishing I just could have had more time.. More time to hug my Grandma Wright, more time to listen, talk, and hug my Brother, and more time to learn, and love my Grandma Taylor. I am holding onto a thread of string that holds all this time I could have had. Time filled with regret wasting time with anger, misguided priorities, and unimportant events. All I can say is at the end of every day I wish I just could have had more time. All I want now more time.

I don't believe that I will ever get that wish; because as we know time cannot be controlled. We only get so much of it, and we will never be able to add to that, or to ask for more of it. When our time with others, or our time is up we only have that much. So don't waste it. I have said this before and I will say it again.. without sounding like the soundtrack off Frozen.. just let it all go. Let go of the hate, the anger, the regrets, and the pain. Just love, and live; spend your time with those worthy of your time. Stop wasting it on people who don't appreciate you, or make you feel worthless. They aren't worth it. Spend it with family, and those friends who are like family. Those are the people who are truly worthy of the time you have. Don't wake up one day and regret that you missed a piece of time. Time may be out of our control, but how we spend each day is something we can control so spend it the way you want, and don't let someone tell you that you are wrong.

I may not have had all the time I wanted with those I love, but I know without a doubt in my mind that the time I did have were times I will never forget. The laughs, the hugs, the memories are all engraved in my heart, and no amount of time will lessen any of that. Don't get lost in the thought of time.. just live and time will work itself out.

wander

"Not all who wander are lost"

A few days ago I found myself alone. In the silence of my home with no one else around. I laid down and closed my eyes. When I am truly alone is when I completely and utterly fall apart. I no longer have to put on my facade. When I am alone..I close my eyes and I can see his smile, and I hear his laugh. In those moments of quiet I feel him, and it is like he never left.

I haven't felt whole in almost two years. I constantly feel like this huge part of who I am, who I should be is just gone. I keep searching and searching for the missing piece that might put me back together. I search in music, I search in love, I search in books and movies, I search in others, but I can never find what I am searching for. I am searching for my brother, but he isn't here anymore.

He always knew who I was, and he always made sure I knew that. So now without his words.. Without his support.. Without his guidance.. I am left to wander, constantly searching for who he would tell me I could be. I always looked to him in many ways. In ways of things to do, and not to do. In things both mental and spiritual. He was my North Star. I always knew where I could go because I could follow the light he put for me to follow. Now that guiding light is gone and I am left to wander this world by myself. To look for who I am, and who I want to be, and who I should be without the guiding light. For the first time in 20 years I have had to do this alone. And I am as scared as I have ever been, because deep down I don't want to let him down. I want to be the best version of myself for him, because that is the person he always knew I was, and who I could be.

My brother always saw the best in me, even when I couldn't see it in myself. He was the first in line to say all that I could do, and be. He was always there for me no matter what. Just like he is now. I am reminded in the stillness that fact. That because he knows me, and he knows who I can be that he won't let me give up on myself. I see it in the fight inside me when I don't feel like I can get out of bed on the nights when all I do is ache for a hug, or piece of advice from my big brother. I feel it when my heart breaks at the thought of not seeing his face when I walk through that front door. I have felt him protect me from danger, from heart break, from lies, and sadness. He doesn't want me to fail, and because I know that.. I know he won't let me stop searching until I become the person he knows I can be.

I may wander in the silence of my mind. I may be searching for the person I am supposed to be. But for the first time in two years of searching I finally know that I am not lost. I still have my North Star to guide me through this life. The light that will help me to be the person I am supposed to be. I know this because I know that my brother loves me, just as much as I love him, and no limitation be it death, or life can break our love because we are the greatest duo there ever was, and will be. He is the yang to my yin and because of that his light will never stop guiding me. I have just learned that it just isn't tangible anymore. His light comes in things I find, in words spoken by other, in lyrics, in the weird ways I see myself begin to like things he would. Ways I never noticed before. He is always with me.

So to all you wanders. Wander.. Keep wandering until you find that piece that makes you, you. Not all who wander are lost, and not all who are lost are alone. This world may be dark and uncertain but we all have our own North Star to guide us. Just keep searching and don't stop because the world is screaming at you to give up. Wake up, and fight to see your guiding light, to become that version of yourself that makes you feel complete. You aren't alone, despite the silence, and the darkness. You will find your way, and you are never truly lost.

are you out there?

I have come quite accustomed to the word love in my life. I have said it many times, and heard it just the same.. and as time has continued to pass love has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
I have seen so many of my closest friends find love. The kind of love that is made to last forever and not just a moment, a love I am truly envious of. I am just like most girls. I anxiously await the day for me to finally find that forever kind of love.

Having lost so many different loves, and different points in my life has made me wonder about my future. Where will I find this love of mine that was made to stand the test of time. Will I find it where and when I least expect it? Has it been in my life already, and timing has yet to fall into place? Or have I already loved and lost that one love? To be honest I don't know. I often wonder if it would be easier for me to know exactly who I am supposed to be with forever. To just have the Lord say here Morgan.. This is the man that was made to heal the deepest pains in your heart, and to be yours forever. I honestly think some days I would really appreciate it.

Now before you all get you panties in a twist saying, "girl come on you are only twenty.. you have all the time in the world to find your person." to you I would say I know that. Trust me, I am in no rush to get hitched. As happy as I am for all of those people in my life who have already found their person.. I know for myself that I am not at that point in my life yet. That is not the point of this at all. I guess the point I am trying to make is we are thrown into this world with so many unanswered questions. Questions that we have to search to find the answers to, sometimes they come quick, and sometimes it takes years and years of asking and searching to find and receive those answers. I just want to know that my forever is out there. That I know that when my world gets dark, like it will inevitably get, that I will have someone to hold my hand and walk through it with me. I want to know that. I don't want to have to keep playing the games of what are you really thinking and are not saying anymore. I simply want simple.

But alas, when has anything in this life ever been simple.

So I ask if you are out there my ever so illusive forever.. Know I wish with all my heart to find you, and I pray that you are being strong in this world where so many things are tearing apart. That you remain strong to the person you know you should be, and that I am doing the same. Know that I cannot wait to find you, and be ever so crazy about you as I hope you will be of me.

Here's to someday finding forever, and enjoying life until it comes. Like I said I am only twenty, and life has only just begun.

happy birthday

Happy Birthday..

I have come quite accustomed to hearing these two words through out the past 20 years of my life.. How crazy these passed 20 have been, and I cannot wait for the next 20 to come!

As excited I am for my birthday this year, I am gently reminded how substantially different this year will be compared to the year before, and the year before that..but then again that is just part of growing up I suppose.

This year on my birthday I won't be blessed to get a phone call from my favorite lady singing happy birthday, and telling me how much she loves me. I really am going to miss hearing that little song. I won't wake up to a room full of balloons, or crazy writing on my car from my brother met with a birthday hug. My big day doesn't seem as big without him. My best friend, who is strongly serving the lord won't be here to spend the day with me, and go to our favorite place like we have for the past three years. I miss my ginger. This year my heart is heavy with things this day will be missing.

Just like always however, I am reminded quite loudly how much I have on days like this.
I have one amazing mother. She often says how lucky she is to have me, but I don't think she realizes that I am the one that is lucky. I have a mom, a best friend, and my other half in one person. What more could a girl ask for in a mom? She is the strongest, most loving, and caring person I know, and I know exactly who she learned that from.. her mom.. just like I am learning from her. I have one awesome dad. He is my rock. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this guy is my favorite guy. Some girls say they are a daddy's girl, but I am lucky enough to say I am a daddy's girl and a momma's girl. I lucked out in the parent departed that is for sure.
I have so many angels who I feel guiding me every day, leading me towards the person I want to be, and helping to lift me up when I am on my knees.
and in the past twenty minutes of writing this I am even more loudly shown others in my life who mean so much to me.
I have one amazing family. A family who is so much a part of my life I can't picture a moment where I will ever have to do this life alone because I am lucky enough to have amazing aunts and uncles who love me, and cousins who have become more like siblings than cousins. I love you all more than I could ever say with words, and I hope you know how much you all mean to me. Thank you for everything..
I have one amazing sister, Kellee Jo your love, and support mean so much to me. I am grateful everyday that our moms met so many years ago, so that I could have a best friend for the past 20 years who has been such a light, and example to me. You mean the world to me.
I am grateful for my MOJ (: you three girls have affected my life with each moment we have spent together. I can't picture spending my life with three better friends than you. I love you ladies.
I have one incredible, strong willed grandfather. Who has been a gleaming example to me of Christ my entire life. I am grateful to have him here, to laugh with, to learn from, and to be a granddaughter to.

I am blessed beyond words, and on my birthday what greater gifts could I ask for than these people, and all of you reading this. I am so loved, and I love you all. Thank you.. and here's to many more birthdays! WHAHOOOO! 21 anyone? (;

gentle reminders

Some days I am reminded how amazing it is to go to a school where every class I get a thought that makes me feel the spirit, and remind me of the bigger picture. I will admit there are quite a few times where I question why I went to school here, but it is days like this that remind me of the love my Heavenly Father loves me that I know I made the right choice..

So enjoy the thought I received yesterday, that reminded me the bigger picture.

I hope you know, I'm having a hard time..

Why couldn't I save you?

This has been a rough week. Not in the day to day tasks I have had to do, but rather in the things that haunt me in my sleep. I have had the same nightmare for the past week.. Every night the dream comes, and every morning I wake up with such deep pain that I don't know what to do.

Each time it is the same. I am getting ready for the day, and my brother is here. We laugh and joke with each other. It seems like any other day, or at least the days I long for. Then like clock work something changes. I find myself in the darkness that was my brothers world for so long.  A world he fought so hard to get out of. It is clear as day the darkness that consumes the world. I see it dragging him in, and I run after him. I reach for him, and he fights me I can't see him in his eyes anymore the bright light isn't there. I pull him in, and put his face in my hands and plea "why couldn't I save you?" Both of us fighting tears. I look into his eyes one last time and just as the light is coming I wake up.

I ask him regularly why I couldn't save him. Why couldn't I have done something for him to make him see it. It haunts me to this day that I wasn't here for him before he left this world. Why didn't I text him before I fell asleep the night before one more text just to tell him I love him? Why didn't I get one more hug before I left for the airport that morning? Why?

Maybe that is why this dream haunts me.. because I wish more than anything that there is something I could have done to change this story to make it be like it used to be. To just sit on the couch together and watch One Tree Hill, and laugh as dad tried to make us believe that he knew more about it than we did, even though he probably did. To look at him with some dorky face and hear that laugh. Oh how I miss that laugh. To see the way his face lit up when he talked about snow, and to see how anxious he got when the first snow graced the mountain tops. Oh how I just miss him. Dreams make me miss him more because I wake up wanting him to be here more than I do any other day.

I guess it all comes down to how much I miss my big brother.. I wish you were here Tay..