two a.m

My mind tends to wonder after midnight. On nights when I can't seem to fall asleep, and I have exhausted all avenues of entertainment for the night, my mind begins to wonder. A lot of the time I think silence is the quiet killer of my sanity. I lay in bed thinking of things, mostly things I cannot control, and I think of things I wish for. Without fail however the last thing I think of is my brother.

I am getting pretty good at holding myself together, or at least giving the illusion that I am doing just fine. Deep down I know I am far from okay, but some times I feel as if people expect me to be okay, so instead of feeling how I feel I push it away, and put on the brave happy face everyone expects. If I am lucky I can make it through the day, and fall asleep before my mind has time to bring up those feelings I desperately try to keep hidden away. Last night I wasn't as fortunate.

I laid in bed last night and I watched time move minute by minute, and I couldn't stop the thoughts from creeping in. All of a sudden a rush of emotion filled me. I curled up preparing myself for the wave of tears I knew were quickly behind my heartache. Just like clock work it all comes back. I think of everything, the time I spent with him right up until he was gone, the last conversation I would ever have with him, how I didn't tell him I loved him that one last time before I fell asleep, and the amount I miss him every day. I began to miss him more than I thought imaginable. I miss his hugs, and the way he knew exactly what to say to make me believe that I was going to be okay, and that I was doing the right thing. I miss how he always had the right advice to help me make the decisions I was struggling to make, and I missed the intuition he had about the people in my life. He always knew who I should spend time with and who I shouldn't. He saw the big picture for me, and he always helped me to see it too. I struggle with not having that voice of reason with me everyday. I wish more than anything he was here to help me see it now. Most of all last night I just missed his voice, the comfort it brings to me, and I missed his laugh. How without fail he could always make me laugh. I listened to the first five seconds of his tribute video over and over again just so I could hear his laugh if only for a second.

A month or so after he had passed my parents told me I could have anything I wanted of my brothers. I didn't know what I would want, but I knew I had to keep something. I don't think I ever realized how much I really care about all of his things until I think about giving them away. When I was first looking at what I wanted I found one of his shirts, a shirt he would wear quite often, and one that I knew he liked. I remember being so distraught that day that I remember grabbing it off the hanger and just holding it close, remembering every little detail about him, and that is when I noticed it. I had found the single item my brother had that still smelled like him. I don't know how it was possible considering it hadn't been worn in a long while, and everything in there was freshly washed, but it smelled like my brother. I often hold that shirt close when the days are terrible, and I miss him more than I can bear, and most days it helps. 

Last night, I was so upset that I went to reach for the shirt that always gives me peace, and my brother was gone. The scent that has given me so many moments of solitude was gone. I was lost. The one thing I had to get me through now was just what it has always been, a shirt. The power it had to comfort me was gone, I didn't know how to feel, and I didn't know what to do next. I just laid there clenching onto a shirt that was now just that a shirt. Yes, it was still my brothers, and I guess it should still bring me a piece of him, but it just wasn't the same.  I tried to think of what I could do now to give me that serenity i was searching for, and I did what I do quite often..

Many times I talk to my brother just like he is here. I may come off like a crazy person if anyone ever heard these conversations, because well they are really one sided. This time I think was the first time I genuinely sat and waited for his response to the questions I was desperately searching answers to. I was hurting for a lot of reasons, and I really needed him to tell me what I should do. In that moment of silence waiting for him, I have never felt more peace, for the first time in almost a year I felt as though I could reach out and touch him, as if he was physically holding me close and telling me what I needed to hear.

So this week I am grateful for the bond I have with my brother. That even though we are temporarily separated, that our bond is strong enough to break through, and that he is able to be with me always. I am grateful for the peace he gives me, and I am grateful to know all that I know. I miss my brother more than words, or smiles can ever make up for, but I know he is with me, and that when I am laughing, smiling, and living life the best I can that he is right here with me enjoying it all through my eyes. I love you to the moon and back brother of mine. Thank you for everything..

finding love in a time like this

"Girls just want someone who wants them back, At least that's what I want." -B. Davis

I am constantly bombarded with one of two questions whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in a while. Question A: Are you going to school/Where are you working? and Question B: Are you dating anyone?

I get it everywhere I go, and frankly I am kind of getting run down with all the answers.. When I am at school I hear about 4 different lectures a day about how if you aren't married you need to be, that I need to be finding someone to marry, and get my life together. To be honest I am getting sick of hearing this lecture over and over again. Trust me if the opportunity presented itself, sure I would get married, but it is not. I am almost 20 years old, and I don't think my lack of a husband, or boyfriend for that matter should define me. Trust me the fact that I don't have a guy in my life isn't for a lack of trying. I have put myself out there more times than I can count in the past year. I have tried getting into the whole dating scene, and you think it would be easy going to a school were about 92% of the student body are guys, who have just gotten home from their missions, and are looking for a wife. That is what they want you to believe. What they aren't telling you is most of the guys that fit into this category aren't necessarily the type of guys you want to be dating. I know what you are thinking aren't these the type of guys young women should be looking to date? Nice returned missionaries? The answer is yes that is the type of guy you should be looking for; the catch is finding the right one.

Most guys these days are looking for one thing; not sex necessarily, or getting more than what the standards we are asked to follow allow. Guys these days are looking for the easy way out. They don't want to commit to just one girl. For some reason they are taking the back road, this road is call "The Hang Out". The idea is simple really, a guy doesn't have to commit to a girl if they are just simply hanging out and "having fun", and they don't have to take you anywhere because it is just casual. However, instead of waiting for the first date, and going out and having a good time in the world before the first kiss, the first kiss is almost expected on the first hang out. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, where you are, or what you are doing they expect you to kiss them. Don't get me wrong; I am definitely a fan of kissing, who isn't. However, I don't like the idea that when I hang out with a guy that they expect that from me.

I may be a hopeless romantic, and my ideas on love may be juvenile, but I do believe that girls and even guys deserve better. I think a guy should have to call a girl to ask her out on a date, that girls should hold on to their standards and make the guy wait a date or two before giving him that kiss, and I believe that this generation needs to kick this whole hanging out thing to the curb. If that means that girls have to step up and say you know what if you want to take me out we can see where this goes, and if this means guys have to actually man up and go out with a girl so be it.

I definitely don't want this post to come off as me bringing down men, because frankly there are men out there who are taking girls out on dates, who respect them and their standards. There are men out there who are stepping up and making girls feel beautiful, and treating them right. I just wish that there were more of these men in the world. That more men felt the need to be a gentlemen and open that door, or walk her to her car when it is dark, and show her off to the world.

I guess I just wish I could find one guy who steps up, who doesn't expect more than what he should. A guy who knows that I am sure as heck not ready to get married, but still wants to take me out, and make my days better. I wish I would stop attracting guys who don't want to go out and do things, who don't just want to hide out and hang out. I want a guy who steps up, and takes the initiative to go and do things. Heck I don't care if we go walk around a park, or sit on blanket and watch the stars. As long he is trying, that is all I care about.

So for all of you who wonder why this girl isn't dating or getting married in the near future, it is because I refuse to give into the expectation that I have to give in. That in order for me to find the guy I am supposed to be with that I need to lower my standards in any way. I know that someday I am going to find a guy who doesn't expect me to kiss him on the first date just because other girls have, a guy who opens the door for me even when I don't expect him to, and even a guy who believes in the magic of the most simple moments. Whether that comes soon, or if it takes some time I am okay with that, because honestly I would rather wait it out and find that person who respects who I am, than try time and time again with guys who don't really care about me, but just want what they can get.

Ladies, hold on. Don't give in, stay strong, and wait for the guy who makes you feel special, and not used.

Gentleman, step up and be the guy you know you should be, and don't let the world make you believe that you should be anything less.

We all deserve something more than what this world leads us to believe is enough.. Some days I think we just forget..