I catch myself staring at that photo as much as it makes me happy it also makes me quite sad. I feel like I have been frozen in this picture. That time has completely stopped from this moment on.
For the past two years.. one hundred and four weeks.. seven hundred and thirty days.. seventeen thousand five hundred and twenty hours.. my life has felt like it has been in a stand still. A part of me feels like this has been much more than that, and other times it feels as if it was yesterday when this picture was taken and those smiles and laughs filled my life.
As we reach the two year mark of being without Taylor, life doesn't feel like it has gotten any different, better, or easier. I honestly don't think it ever will. There is no part of me that believes I will wake up one day and believe that it is easier, or somehow okay. I will never be okay with the fact that my brother left this earth way too early. I may understand and have beliefs on how in some ways it was for a much more divine plan. It never hurts my heart any less, or takes any of the pain away from losing such a big part of my life.
Many days have come and gone since this day two years ago. Many moments shared in laughter.. In sadness.. In stillness. Many moments that have felt so surreal and unlike any I have felt before. When I was little I used to think all my angels lived in the clouds up so high that I knew they were there but I just couldn't quite reach them. I remember jumping higher and higher hoping one day I just might get high enough to see their faces one more time. As time has gone and I have gotten older I have realized that my angels still may be up in those clouds it just isn't quite time to see those faces again. This week as I was flying home I was up above my clouds. Looking down on them as if for a brief moment I had jumped high enough, that if I just looked hard enough I would see my angels. I looked down, and I didn't see my angels faces, but I saw this beautiful world, the wonders, the vastness, and the pure immensity. I lost my words I was reminded of the fact that my clouds do hold my angels. My angels are here in the vastness and the beauty. Yesterday, I saw my angel in the sky as I looked down on the world from the clouds and my brothers song played in my ears. "don't you worry, don't you worry child. See heavens got a plan for you." I know my angel is up in those clouds. Always looking down on me. I'm just not ready to see his face quite yet.
So as we come to two big milestones this year I am making a promise to my brother to live better, to live the life he would have wanted me too. To try to smile more, and let go of all the hurt and pain in my heart. To find someone who will help heal the hole in my heart even just a little. Because even though he knows how much I hurt, and have an ache in my heart everyday, that he is always here, and he cares about my happiness.
"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, as I often speak your name, all I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part, God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."
I miss you every day brother. No amount of time will ever change that. You are and will forever be my best friend, and even though two years have passed without your laugh in my everyday routine, or your ever so wise advice. I have gotten to know you more in the past two years than no one ever thought was possible. I love you forever best friend. Keep on protecting me, and guiding me.
