silence comes

The good news first.. my dad got a job!! Which is awesome! It was a much needed blessing for my family and it was welcomed with open arms! It has been a long time coming, and I couldn't be happier for my dad. But with that it brings home alone summer days.

It has been a long time since I had the house to myself. I always had someone home with me, whether it was my dad, or my brother. Someone was always around during the time I had off from school. This is the first time in six or so years that I have had the house all to myself. At first I welcomed it. I was so excited to do my own thing, and not have to worry about being noisy, or being lazy if I felt like it, which some days I do. So when the time came last week for my dad to start his new job, I woke up that Monday to silence. For the first time in months it was quiet. I wasn't used to not hearing anyone talk when I was getting up in the morning, hearing my dad talk on the phone, or walking down the hall to find him at the table. This time it was different.

The more the week progressed, and on the days I was off of work I found my mind thinking back to the past. I was staining the mantle in our family room for my mom, and I had my music playing, rather loudly, but I didn't think much of it since no one was home. As I was working I thought back to previous summers where I would be listening to music, or watching a show, and I would turn it up, and my brother would get so irritated. He would tell me to turn it off, or turn it down, and I would usually refuse. This was our thing. I would irritate him, and he would dish it back. Only most times he would get so irritated at me that he would go downstairs and watch something else, or do his own thing. I would be left upstairs, and nine times out of ten I would end up feeling guilty inside, and would go down there and apologize. He would always say it's okay, and then he would tell me to stay down there and watch a movie, or play a game with him. And we would laugh as if nothing had ever happened just hours before.

If anything that is what this silence has brought me. Another reminder of how utterly alone I feel. Everyday I try to fill that void I have in my life with something happy. Something that for even a few minutes makes me feel complete. I usually do. I find those things in music, movies, and sometimes television shows. I find it with friends who are always there for me, and I find it with my family. But at the end of the day, when the music stops, the movies and shows end, and my family goes to bed. I am lost. Some nights I lay in bed, and plea for peace, and on days when the memories hurt too bad I pray that I can have silence from the echoes of what used to be. Not to forget, but just to have a calmness brought into my mind. To have some form of relief from the pain that follows.

I think the hardest part about all of this is people always say one day it will be better, the pain will go away, and you will move on. I don't understand that. I refuse to believe that one day the pain I feel every single day will go away. How can it? There is nothing in this world that can make me feel better about this. Yes, I believe one day I will be able to wake up in the morning, and not have tear stained cheeks from the tears shed the night before, and I believe that I will find joy again. But I will never be able to move on. I think you just learn to live with the pain. You learn to accept it as your new reality, and move along, not on, just forward.

I am not going to sugar coat my life. The things I feel are not always rainbows, and sunshine. Some days they are dark clouds, and rain storms. I am learning to accept that for the first time in my life, I may not be able to have the overly optimistic attitude I once had, and that it is okay to be pessimistic some days. I just cannot dwell on those days. I need to move forward from them, and find those pieces of joy I have in my life. I need to remind myself of the good times, and the good memories. That is what gets me through those times of terrifying silence. I am learning that on the days that I feel alone, that I am far from it. I think that I tend to forget all of the people that are surrounding me. Someone is always there for me when I need them, and even when I don't know that I need someone they are there. And that is what makes living through the hard days worth while in the end.