broken..

This week has been incredibly hard for me. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why this week has been so emotionally draining for me. I have tried to narrow my bad days down to what went wrong, and it still is lost on me. All I know is it all comes down to me missing him more than words can say..

I look up on my drive every morning and I see the mountains covered in snow, and I think of you, and how you would be up there. I walk the halls at school and hear comments that I would have shared with you. I am lost and confused with guys in my life, all the things I used to ask you about. I am shown how you answered my questions, but am finding it hard to stay strong in the answer. I look at the photos of you in my room every morning, and feel the void in my heart. I feel the heartbreak again from lost love, and miss the words of comfort you offered me the time when I first was broken. It all comes down to one thing I guess.. this week I miss you more than I have since the first day I walked into our house and you weren't there. It is hard for me to live my life without my best friend. To wake up knowing that you can see me, but we can't talk. On most days knowing you are here with me in spirit is enough, but this week it just isn't. I have cried out countless times how unfair it is to have you not be here. How I am so lost without you. I have turned to things you said to me once upon a time for comfort and peace, but the sound of your voice is fleeting. It is hard for me to hear you anymore, and that is the hardest part. I have tried so hard to hear his voice for so long, and right now I can't hear you.

Despite the down times of this week that I am still managing to find peace in. I grasp onto every piece  of you I have. I am trying to work my way through my problems that I used to come to you for by myself now, and I have felt you guiding me a lot this week. When it was at its worse point this week you reminded me of this video.. a video where I feel peace no matter when I watch it.

So this week I am grateful for Dustin.. for making this video when we first lost my brother. A video that brings such peace to me in my darkest of days. That re-ignites the memories I have of my brother. For the unimaginable power it has in my life. So thank you Dustin for being a friend to my brother, and for caring enough about his life to make something so beautiful. You may never know how many times it has saved me..

I miss you ever single day brother of mine. Each day it gets a little easier, but on the days they aren't I am grateful I can feel your love in the best way you can show me. I am blessed to have had such an amazingly gifted, and caring brother. I won the lottery as far as I am concerned.. and I hope you see now through your knowing eyes just how much you always meant to me. Thanks for being with me, I think only we know how much it means.. Love you Taylor..

little reminders..

"I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become."

I was talking to a person last night, someone I talk to most nights, and we were talking about music. Now as most of you know from either previous posts on this blog, or my never ending lyrical posts on Facebook, that music is a pretty big part of my life. Well as the conversation went on, he began to tell me how he has written a couple of things, and how they are about the trials he has had in his own life, and how he didn't think anyone would listen to them for that reason. I quickly responded, telling him that, that is exactly why people would listen to them. People love to hear things that relate to them, and make them feel like they aren't the only ones in the world who are going through dark times. I should know this, because music has healed me in countless ways, and if those artists hadn't shared those words, and melodies. Then I would hate to see where I would be right now in my life.

This conversation reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place. I was reminded that when I first began to write these posts how lost and confused I was. How I didn't think there was going to be any saving graces left in my life. How each day got darker, and darker, and nothing seemed to help me. That was until I began to write my thoughts out, and share them with all of my countless readers. I started writing with the intention to help heal myself, but as I have had people comment, text me, and email me about how my somehow scattered words have touched them, and helped them when they were lost it has given me a sense of peace. Now as I write I am not only trying to heal myself, I am looking to those close to me, those people who I know are struggling, and going through dark times themselves.

So this post is for you. All of you lost, hurt, broken souls who don't see the light anymore. I have been there, I know how you feel. I have been so turned around and upside down that I didn't think there was anyway I could possibly be whole again. But let me tell you something, don't you dare give up. I know it seems easier. That throwing in the towel in this life will somehow make you feel better. You are wrong. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been quick but light has come. It may not stay bright and vibrant for very long, and there are days when the darkness is too much, but I promise you some days are worth it. If I could tell any of you one thing, one thing to make you feel like you aren't alone, look to those around you. See the people on the streets smiling, see the friends by your side, even if you don't think they are there they are, look around and see all the things you have, but most importantly look to your family, turn to them. I know for me nothing heals me more than talking to my family, they always know just what to say to make me feel better.

Always remember ever single person you will ever meet has had something hard in their life, some trial they have had to overcome. Even though you don't see it now you are never alone. There is always a piece of light coming. Just be patient. It has been a year and six months since the darkness fully consumed my life, and I am constantly trying to find the light still to this day. But I have seen it coming enough to give me faith that there is more to this time of darkness in my life to make it all worth it. I know these are just words, and if you are struggling with something they probably won't help you, but I hope they do. I hope if you really are struggling you find peace in what I am saying, or at least turn to the words of others. They do wonders, I promise.

Just remember you can be anything you want, don't let your circumstances, or trials define you as a person. Rise above the darkness, and prove everyone wrong. I am with you.

and scene..

Life is not a movie. There are no script writers writing out your daily conversation, you don't always win, you don't have music sequences following you throughout your day, your best friend doesn't always fall in love with you, and sometimes he isn't the guy that he led you to believe he was.
You don't have those picture perfect moments, you more than likely will fall flat on your face a couple of times, you will screw up, and you will be broken.

That is just life. Life isn't a movie, it won't always be the best but it is life.

I am the first to admit most days I wish my life was scripted, and that I knew that by the end of the storyline that every little aspect of trial and struggle would turn out to be okay, and that I would end up sitting on a porch when I am eighty years old with the love of my life.  I wish for grand romantic gestures, meet cute moments with a guy who just might turn out to be the one, random musical numbers, and insanely adventurous trips at any given time. I wish a lot of the time that my life was a movie.

I guess I like the idea of having the picture perfect life, where nothing is ever too bad that it can't be solved in two hours. Lately I have been wishing for a movie life more than most times. Maybe it has something to do with the piece of work people who I have managed to let into my life, or it has to do with the fact that after all this time my heart still aches at the heart ache I wish I could just leave behind, or it could quite possibly be that I want all these struggles to be resolved, and I know that my two hours aren't quite up yet. I wish I could sneak a peak at my script and see where I end up, that I could jump ahead to the part where I can see why this all had to happen, and where my character figures out why they had to go through all this really crappy stuff to get to the place that they were meant to be. I know that isn't how it works, and I guess in a way that is a good thing. Maybe if I knew I would screw it all up, and miss out on the little things that are unforgettable.

However, just like we all know our lives aren't picture perfect, and nine times out of ten we don't get the movie worthy moments that we dream up in our head. Sometimes the guys we think are gems, are just rocks. Sometimes the truth is the part that hurts the most. And sometimes we go through a lot of dark stuff in order to get the best. Maybe that is why in some cases it is a good thing our lives aren't Hollywood blockbusters, and that life remains a mystery.

I know for me it is hard to imagine that one day I will be able to look back on all the crap I have gone through in the past eight years of my life, and think it all makes sense, that I can understand why it all had to happen. That every event led me here, and in some ways I can be grateful for the heartbreaks, the tears, the laughs, and the memories. 

Someday, maybe I will get a picture perfect movie moment, and if I am lucky maybe all those things will make sense, and I can say with sincerity all these things. As for right now, at this moment, I still wish my life was a movie, and that I could know that for even just a scene that it will all work out, and that the porch swing is going to be there for me in seventy years, and that it will all make sense soon. I know I won't know this for a while, so until then forgive me for the faults I make, the people I choose who aren't worthy of the porch swing, and the times when I wish I could just sit back and wait for things to happen instead of working towards the things that really matter. I promise I will root for your Kodak moments, and cheer on your movies as I see them.

Because everyone deserves that picture perfect moment in their lives.

some things are better off said

This has been two weeks of reflection, insights, and just plain frankness. Pardon my scattered thoughts as I recount some of the feelings I have had these last few weeks...


The first thing I learned is that family gatherings are the hardest for me. I know these should be the easiest because I am surrounded by people whom I love and who love me. But these are the times I miss my brother more than anything. It was always me and him. Whenever we were in a room full of people I knew I would always have someone to sit by, or someone to talk to. Now it's different. I sit back and see strangers with their families and I see my cousins with their siblings, and it hurts. It makes me miss him more than I already do. I sit here and I wish that this loneliness that I feel in my heart would go away. That this ache in my heart maybe won't hurt with every breath. My heart just hurts, and some days I wish I could rip it out, and maybe it would hurt less. People keep telling me it gets easier, and I hate to break it to them but it doesn't. I hate to admit that my hole has continuously gotten bigger.. Instead of time healing me, it has created a bigger void. I blame myself mostly for this since maybe I am just not addressing the feelings as they come, the longer I push them away, and shy away from how I should feel in certain situations the bigger the void of losing him will become. Honestly, I hate being upset, I hate waking up after a night of tears, and I hate not being able to turn to him when I feel so lost, and only he could help me.


The second thing I have learned is that this past year has felt entirely like a dream. I feel as if my life hasn't been real because I have yet to share it with one person. I haven't been able to talk to my sister about any of this. The only other person who knows how to make me feel okay with my life. She has been gone on her mission, and the time is coming for her to come home. I am thrilled more that anyone would ever know because I have missed her so much. I have missed our late night conversations, how we could talk about anything and how she would just understand me much like my brother. However, despite how excited I am for her to come home I am also terrified, because I know the moment I see her it will all become so real. She will come home, and see the new reality I have had to face, and I know in that moment I am going to lose every ounce of strength I have left because now I can finally let it out to my best friend. Nothing seems okay until I talk to her, no wound in my heart has been able to heal without her advice. Maybe when she gets home I will finally be able to heal, and the void in my heart will start to go away, and my life may start to feel like my life. I can't wait to sit on a couch have one of our heart to heart, cry our eyes out together, and reinforce the bound we have. Eighteen months may not seem like such a long time in the grand scheme of things but right now it seems like eternity.


The third thing I have come to realized as I was reminded a few days back about a moment I shared with my family around the year anniversary of losing my brother. We had just spent our "dark week" in Park City trying to get away from all the things that were making us sad, and some things had come up on social media regarding my brother. To spare you the details some of my brothers "friends" (I use that word as loosely as I can because a large majority of these people used my brother in ways, and never were grateful for him) posted things about how they were remembering my brother. Now I have nothing wrong to say about them remembering him, I love that people remember him. I was just angry at the way they chose to do so, and the manner in which they posted it for the world to see. The things they did really upset me, and I remember that was the first time, well since the funeral that I had gotten truly anger at the people who were in my brothers life. In fact I remember having one of my brothers best friends stand by my side the entire time of the viewing in order to keep me from taking down a couple people. At that year mark however, I wanted nothing more than to scream out all my frustrations.. and I did just that. I remember sitting on the foot of my parents bed and I just kept ranting and ranting about how they don't know how it feels, they don't understand how hard it is to walk into my house every day, and be haunted by it. They don't know what it is like to not have your best friend there when you get home to talk to. They just don't understand how hard it is. I went on tears streaming down my face, and practically yelling.. Wishing with all my might that they understood how much hurt they caused my family. How inconsiderate it was to say sly comments about how we have handled our lives, and how they know how to handle all of this when in reality they don't know. Every single time you lose someone it is different. No one loss is the same. I have lost so many people in my life both my grandmas, uncles, aunts, extended family, great grandparents, great aunts, and each time the lose I have felt was different. Each person I have lost has held a special place in my heart, each taking a piece of me with them as they have left this life, but no loss has taken as much from me as my brother. I know few people who can truly relate to losing their one and only sibling, and some do, and I truly reach my hand out to them with compassion because I know the hurt they must be feeling to some extent, but when someone who has no idea how much this hurts to say things so inconsiderately drives me nuts. I guess the purpose behind this rant is just to be aware that you may think that the words you are saying are kind, and that you are just trying to help, but sometimes it just plain hurts more than you think, and some we have to pretend that it didn't gut every ounce of happiness we had when you said them. Just think before you act, think of why you are saying it, and if it really needs to be said. Sometimes silence speaks much louder than words.

And the last thing I have realized these past two weeks is how insanely blessed I am. I think a lot of the time I get so wrapped up in the darkness within my mind that I forget all that I have been given and the wonderful things that are happening in my life. I am blessed with amazingly strong and giving parents who don't even know how much they mean to me, and never will because no amount of words could ever express it to them. I am blessed with family who reach out and try to make me smile even on days I feel like not even trying. I am blessed with amazing friends who make me realize that there is so much to be grateful for, and who know just what to do to change my mood instantly, and who are always reaching out for me when I am falling down. I am blessed with the ability to live, I think I take this for granted a lot, I think lately I have been taking life for granted I have wanted to wish it away just to be with my brother again, but I know that life is precious, it is meant to be lived, and my brother would want me to live it for both of us. I guess at the end of the day I am just happy to be me, I haven't been able to say that and mean it for a very long time. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to see that my life has a meaning, and I am meant for something, I have no idea what that something is, but I know it does, and for that I am blessed.