it. happened.

The dream is real. How can I manage to put into words the amazing week I have just had. It started off with a long journey to the land of the sun, oh and the HEAT! That is very much a thing, it took a little getting used to, but it was nice after a while. Included in the long journey was so many laughs, off topic jokes, some slightly weird conversations with my three amigos. I really think one of these days this crew is going to have a reality show because honestly we are a crack up. When we got to Arizona it all seemed so very surreal. I mean we had been waiting 278 days to be in this one moment, and in a few short days it all would be happening. I don't think any of us knew in that moment how much that moment would mean to us. Before I tell you all about the amazing experience I had on Tuesday, I think you all deserve to know why this all means so much to me..

A year ago, when Taylor died I was pretty lost, and I felt really sad a lot of the time. At the time I had a boy in my life, and he made up for all the sadness and loss I was feeling, he tried really hard every day to make me smile, and to lift my spirits, but he had to leave, and I was trying so hard to be okay with it because he was doing the right thing, and then I found out a lot of stuff went on that I didn't know about before he left, and once again I was left feeling lost and defeated. I still had my friends though. They tried I believe just as hard if not harder to make me feel better, even after my heart was broken yet again. In attempts to make me smile we clenched on to a boy band. We fell in love with the fabulous idea that we were all perfect for each other, and that we would live these extravagant lives, and be friends when we were married. As crazy as it sounds, I loved the idea of having a different life at the time. I was sick of being sad, and lost. I just wanted to be loved, and to live a life I had always dreamed of living, but was so ridiculous that I knew it would never happened. So just like that we were obsessed. For a long time that is all we would talk about, and just the mere thought of being with this boy in a band I loved seemed pretty great, and was all I wanted. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it did help get my mind off the bad days. So for a year this is all I've ever wanted, to meet Harry, and fall in love, and live that picture perfect life you dream about as a kid. Deep down I knew that it most likely would never happen, but it is always fun to dream. So when the time came last November to buy our tickets to see them in September I was over the moon. I could really see him in person, and maybe just maybe if the fates aligned the dream would be real. (I know I sound like a little girl, sue me!)

So here we are the night before the concert I had dreamed about for months. Monday night was hands down one of the most anxious nights I have had in my entire life. I didn't know how to function, so many what if scenarios were going through my head, and the thought of seeing the guy I had dreamed about was finally going to become a reality. I could hardly stand the anticipation, that night the three of us went to bed so excited for the next day, I don't think any of us actually slept however.

Tuesday came and the excitement built. It was finally time for us. We made our way to the stadium where thousands of young pre-teen girls ran around screaming, and giggling. We felt pretty old not going to lie. I was in awe of how many people there were. This stadium holds 63,400 people, and that night it was filled, every seat, with screaming girls who couldn't wait to see 5, well 9 very handsome men grace the stage. We waited for 5 hours. We watched video after video of commercials up until the show, we took far to many pictures, and felt no shame might I add, and then it was time. The lights went out, the safety video began to play, and enter the opening band. Let's just put something into perspective for you, in this room there were tons of what we in this fandom call directioners, every one of them crazily in love with One Direction, a few in the room also were in love with the opening band, 5 Seconds Of Summer (who we will be going to see next summer), now few were as in love with both bands as much as we were, so when they went on stage, we were pretty excited.

For perspective this is just the sound of half the screaming girls in the stadium for 5 Seconds of Summer. the overly loud ones, are us. (:

 (Warning: video contains loud screams for the safety of your ears and speakers turn down volume for all videos in this post.)

That was it from that moment on we were all in a daze, I remember being so over joyed by seeing one of my favorite bands live that it was all very unreal to me. I was so in love with seeing them I didn't even want to know what would come over me when one direction came on. Here are a could more clips from the opening act, and some pictures, forgive the shaking camera, when you are dancing, and the stadium is shaking the camera very rarely can stay still. Also please ignore any comments, and loud singing that comes on. We were pretty excited. (:

(heartache on the big screen my favorite 5SOS song)

(This is Calum Hood he is a babe)

So 5SOS sang a lot of really great songs, and we got really pumped to see them in July in San Diego! They left the stage, and the half hour wait for one direction began. We all sat there not knowing how to prepare ourselves for what was about to happen, so what was the most natural thing we did, take a million pictures.

(My two lovely best friends. We killed it)

(Me and my Seester getting our rock on)

(This picture sums up mine and Marn's relationship)

(My goodness my friends are beautiful)

(We snapchatted a lot as well. Sorry to any of our friends)

It was finally time, our boys were making our way to the stage, and it all started with a video.. Now this isn't my recording but it does give you the main idea, minus the screaming girls..

Then the came out, and sang Midnight Memories. We slightly fangirled, okay we fangirled a lot. 

(Once again don't judge us for the things we scream)

I don't think in the moment I really wrapped my head around the fact that we were really there. I kept looking at Madi and Marny trying to grasp the idea that we were finally there. I wanted one of them to slap me, and make me snap back into reality, but I was lost. I couldn't stop staring at them (mainly harry) but I just didn't know how to react to seeing someone you only see through a computer screen in person. They sang a lot of songs that make me feel things, a lot of emotions that I just don't know how to handle. One song that is truly beautiful every time is Little Things. Let me tell you how beautiful it is to hear them sing this song live. Their voices harmonizing so perfectly, and watching the stadium light up with phones. It is something so truly breath taking that I don't think this video captures it, but you get the idea.

(I had to trim it down, so here is a part of it)

In essence out of the three of us we filled three wiped phones with full capacity, used an iPod, and a camera. We captured the heck out of this concert, and regret nothing. just to wrap it up here are some last photos from the trip. These are anything from car scenes, to random pictures, one direction, and some jam session clips. Enjoy!

(Ashton on drums 5SOS)

 (Niall and Louis)

(Niall)

(The Famous Row move!)

(Liam and Harry)

(Liam)

(Zayn hitting his high note in moments)

 (The boys of one direction)

 (He kills me..)

 (Harry doing his thing)

 (My personal favorite!)

(Pre-concert kitchen selfies)

(Pre-Concert)

(our we arrived 4 hours early so let's take pictures photos)

(We crushed them)

(M&M World in Vegas)

(On the way home..)

(Sick lizard, dinosaur, and some other reptile car I saw on the road)

(Madi's snapchats were on point the whole trip)

(Did I mention car jams, forgive our moments of highly off key singing)

someone else

Ever since I got home from my trip I haven't really felt like myself. I have been trying to figure out why, and all I can come up with is one word, disappointment.

Have you ever woken up one day and just felt like a major disappointment? I have this week. I feel like I am disappointing everyone in my life, but most of all myself.

I feel as if I disappointed my friends while we were in Vegas. I couldn't put into words while we were there how insanely hard it was for me to be in that city. Something hard I have to face is doing things my brother loved to do. It is hard for me to do any of the things he enjoyed, or going to any of the places that he loved. Now if any of you knew my brother you know how much he loved Las Vegas. As soon as we arrived in the city that is all I could think about. All I could see in the faces around me were my brother. It was one of the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time, and it ripped my heart out knowing while I was in the city he loved, that he would never be able to experience it again. So to my friends I am deeply sorry if I disappointed you, and ruined what you wished would have been a more adventurous moment. I wish in that moment I could have been strong enough for you guys.

I disappointed myself. I once again let my mind be clouded with words that had no meaning, and what I thought to be genuine, and caring moments to become more that what they were. I allowed myself to slip into web of lies guys tell to get something from you, and I have been beating myself up over it for a week. I wish then that I would have held my guns, and stuck to the plan of not allowing the words he said make me believe that he was any different until he gave me a reason to believe he was. So to myself I hope one day I learn to forgive myself for the short comings I see in my own life.

Mostly, out of all of these I feel like I disappointed the most important person in my life, my heavenly father. I have done a lot of soul searching these last couple months, I have tried to convince myself that I didn't have to give 100% to what I believe in, because when I did give my all, bad things kept happening. So I guess in a way I thought well if bad things are still going to happen why must I give my all. I didn't do anything bad, I just let little things not bug me anymore. If I slipped up, and forgot to pray one night I simply would shrug it off. If I acted out as much as I ever could, mostly by being a major sass. I would shrug it off, and I honestly thought I might be able to handle my life without his help. Let me tell you something right now, I was wrong. I have never felt more lost, and scared then when I let my work towards becoming better slack off. I have seen the hole not having his light in my life as strong has caused, and I am on my knees daily now asking for his forgiveness, and help. I know I cannot do it alone, and I shouldn't have had to test my faith in order to know this. I shouldn't have let what the world expected me to be cloud the way I know he would want me to be. I hope one day in the near future I can have his light shine strongly in my soul again.

I don't know what it is about disconnecting yourself from all the noise of the world that causes the mind to solve the aches you feel inside, but it did just that. All I had to do was walk away from my phone, get away from social media, look at myself in the mirror, and honestly ask if the person who I saw was who I wanted to be. Try it. Turn it off, take a step back and see the world around you. Stop walking around like someone else trapped inside your body. Be the person you know you should be, and let the world get over it. You are who are supposed to be, no man, friend,  or random stranger on the street should ever make you feel like you are something you are not. Let the light in, and see yourself the way Heavenly Father does. You might be surprised the things you learn in such a short time.

finally. it is time

I know I know I usually post these lovely posts on friday, but this week make an exception. In order for me to write this I have to post it on saturday..

Ladies and Gents after 278 days of not so patiently waiting the time has come for us to leave for ARIZONA!

This has been the one thing I have been waiting for for so long that now that it is here I am so freaking excited I cannot handle it.
As you read this miss Marny Shaye, Madi, and I, will be driving our beautiful selves to Arizona. Where we will wait three more days until we see the BIGGEST BAND on the planet live. I know what you are thinking.. "Morgan they are just a band, you seriously cannot be this excited." my answer to you is FALSE! I am that excited and more none the less. Judge away I really don't care, they are my guilty pleasure that I don't feel guilty for having. So let us all accept the fact that I love them, and move along with our lives.

Now while I am enjoying the Arizona sun, live music, the batman museum, and spending time with my mains. Enjoy your weeks, and keep on smiling. The sun is up, the day is new. Make it worth your while!

P.S. prepare yourselves for loads of pictures next week. It is happening! (:

always remember. every day has something beautiful in it.

what if

I have learned something new about loss. When you lose someone close to you, your mind tends to be filled with all of the what if questions. Questions you either have no idea why you are thinking, and the ones you know are true, but you are just too far into denial to admit to yourself. I am still to this day constantly asking myself the what if questions, but lately this one has been on my mind the most.

From a very young age I have always strived to be that person my friends and family could come to no matter what, and tell me anything. I have always loved helping people, and making them feel better. Over the years friends have turned to me in hard times, and I have tried my best to be that shoulder to cry on, and that positive light at the end of the tunnel for them.  For a long time I was proud of myself for being that person for so many of my friends..

However, when things got hard for my brother, and he started to withdraw from the bonds we had made, instead of reaching out, and being that person for him I withdrew with him, and frankly I got mad. I was mad at him for abandoning me. I was mad that all the promises, and secrets we shared were no longer relevant to him, or so I thought, and I was so mad that I didn't stop to listen. I think back a lot now on all the conversations we shared, and all the times I would just watch him trying to figure out what happened to my brother, and I never said anything. Instead I was so hurt that I let him go along his way without a word from me. I constantly am I asking myself, "What if I would have reached out. What if I would have asked him if I could have helped him. What if I was his strength more than just getting angry." Would this have changed anything? Could I have helped him before he was too far in? Could I have made him feel more whole inside than the darkness that fooled him to believe any less? I ask these things to myself often, and whenever I have those very one sided conversations with him, I plead with him to forgive me. To forgive my lack of understanding those three years. I pray that one day he will see how I felt, how hard it was watching him hurt from afar, and watching the darkness of the world consume him.

I am grateful that the last year I got to spend with my brother that our bond was beginning to heal. We both let each other in more in that year than we had in our entire lives. He showed me how hard life was for him, and I was striving to be that light for him. One of my most cherished memories I have now, is on our way home from thanksgiving dinner at my aunts house right after Taylor had started to get better, I hadn't seen him in almost a month, we were sitting in the backseat of the car just talking as a family, and I just rested my head on his shoulder. Keep in mind even when we were younger we knew we loved each other, we just weren't really affectionate. So this came as quite of shock to him. I remember I just looked up at him and said, I missed my brother. He put is arm around me and we stayed that way the whole way home. In that moment I felt my brothers love for me more than I ever have my entire life. I knew in that moment how sorry he was for not being there for me as much as he wished he could have, and I knew in that moment we were going to be okay. I am so grateful I had that moment with him, and I live in that moment always.

I still have my questions, my whys, what ifs, and how comes, but time is helping. In time I have come to know my brother deeper than I did when he was here, I have come to know of the strength he has given me, and I have seen is presence in my life. I see a lot of my brother in me now. I think he gifted me some of his tastes when he left, so a part of him could live on in me. I turn to him always, and pray for his help daily. I know he is happy where he is, and that he is my guardian angel here on earth. I honestly can't wait to have that moment once more with my brother, but until then I will live life for both of us, experiencing everything fully, and enjoying this life, because if my brother did anything during his time on this earth it was live.