this ones for the boys

"Boys laugh at what they put girls through, but they won't be laughing when they're wiping tears off their daughter's face for the same reason" (Will Smith)

When I look around at the "men" I meet I am constantly in awe of the massive decline in gentlemanism. Yes I know that is not a word but roll with it.

The dating game has changed completely. Instead of the classy man picking you up at your front door, meeting your parents, and telling your parents that he will have you home by ten. We have the player who pulls up to the curb, texts you that he is outside, and makes you feel guilty for wanting to be home in time for your curfew so that your parents don't worry. You get the text asking you if you want to hang out. Not the phone call asking you out on a proper date. And instead of kissing in the perfect moment, at the perfect time, men these days almost expect to be kissed on the first date.

I will be walking into my school hands full of projects, a giant drafting bag, and my hands trying to keep it all together. A young man will be right in front of me and he looks back to see me clearly struggling not to drop anything, and he will not even bother to pause for an extra thirty seconds to hold open the door for me, much less press the handicap pad to open the door which wouldn't even require him to stop, but would still be much appreciated. Yet, to my dismay nothing. I am left helpless to finagle my stuff around in order to open the door, and hit the elevator button. Not that I am not capable to do so, but it would be nice to see such a nice gesture.

I was working a few days ago, and one of the young men that I work with was talking to me about a girl in one of his classes at SLCC. He proceeded to tell me how he thought this girl wasn't very attractive, but he wanted to ask her out on a date simply because he hadn't made out with anyone in a while. I was instantly disgusted with him, and the words that came out of his mouth. I looked at him and told him that was absolutely horrid, and that he was a horrible person for wanting to use a girl to make out, when he clearly had no intention of dating this girl, or even taking her out on a real date to begin with. His jaw dropped at my reaction but frankly I didn't care. He had offended me.

I had just gotten out of a situation where a guy was using me for the same reason, and it made me sick inside. He made me believe that he wanted a relationship with me, he just wasn't sure he was ready, but he only did those things so I would stick around whenever he was bored and needed someone to hang out with, when all the other girls he was doing this to were busy. I acted naive to the world around me, as he lead me on for months. To be honest I was okay with it, for a while. I didn't want anything serious because I had just had my heart ripped out by someone I cared so much for, and something simple was just what I needed. I just wanted someone to make the pain I was constantly feeling go away. He was great for that. He made me feel beautiful, and wanted. But at the end of the day he didn't want anything more than to just hang out and kiss.

At first I felt guilty for expecting him to take me out on a real date at least once, but when he never did I was hurt, and would confront him about it, and soon after that conversation the excuses would come, and he would blow me off time and time again. Eventually I just stopped trying. I realized I shouldn't have to fight for his attention. If he really wanted me around he could at least show a little effort. Much to my dismay that attention never came. Until one day out of the blue he wanted to weasel his way back into my life, and I thought maybe just maybe he figured it out. I gave in and hung out with him again, attempting to hold onto my dignity I promised myself I wouldn't give in, I would not let him kiss me, until I knew what was going on between us. Just like time and time again I fell for that smirk, the one that made me weak in the knees, and I let him kiss me. I remember leaving that night and just crying and crying over how stupid I was. I sat in my car in front of my house for an hour trying to figure out what was happening to me, who was I. I looked in the mirror, and I hated what I saw. I hated that I allowed him to use me. To play with my heart. I told him that I couldn't keep seeing him if this wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't keep torturing myself by building up my hopes that he actually cared, when deep down I knew that he was never going to give up all the other girls he was talking to for me, and that hurt. He may not have been the type of person I wanted to date, but he was the one I thought I needed at the time. He promised I was more than that to him, that I wasn't just some girl he liked to kiss, while he was doing the same thing to other girls. Then like clockwork the next day he asked what would happen if I were just a girl he wanted to kiss and nothing more. That was when I knew that no matter how much I wanted it to work out with us it never would. I was a complete mess so I called an amazing friend of mine, and she told me this.

She told me that I deserved a guy who would take me out, and show me off. That I deserved someone who made me laugh more than cry, and that I deserved someone who wouldn't play games with me. I knew she was right deep down, but my mind didn't want to hear it. I just didn't feel worthy enough. Ever since the one person I have ever been with and cared for with all I had inside of me used me at my weakest moment, made promises to me that I believed, and broke down the walls I used to protect myself from ever falling for some one again, left me devastated laying on my bedroom floor in groveling pain over what he did to me, and my broken heart. I felt like all I was ever going to get was pain. And I have been living with that weight for a month or so..

It wasn't until I was talking to that coworker of mine that I realized, one day I will find my person. The one guy out there who will love me with all he has, and I will love him with all I have. He will hold me when I feel completely and utterly alone, and tell me how beautiful I look when I am completely not even trying to get ready, he will show me off to the world because he loves me, and he won't want to play games anymore because, he finally found someone to stop playing for.

I worry that I won't find that person, and I worry that when I do, I will be too blinded to realize when he is right in front of me. When the worry consumes me I am reminded of some wise words that my brother wrote to me a few weeks before graduation, I didn't realize then how much I would cherish these words, and how much peace they would bring me.. He wrote:

"You don't need a guy to define your happiness in life. The right one comes at the right time, and you will probably hear a lot of I love yous from guys, but you will know when they are true words. Keep being the strong young woman you are throughout the next step of your life because it is a brand new world. With all my love, your brother."

If my brother can believe in me, and know that I will know when it is right, gives me the much needed peace that I search for. However, for my sake I hope this guy comes soon because, frankly I am getting irritated with playing all of these games. So warning for all you guys out there, I am not one for games, take me or leave me, I won't chase after you. Sorry you missed the girl who would have gone to the ends of the earth to get the guy, but I have grown up and realized the ones worth having don't take advantage of the love you have to give, the sit back and give their love back to you in return. I honestly cannot wait to find that. Whether it come months from now or even years, I cannot wait to finally have my person. 

waking up afraid

I woke up a couple days ago, and thought I heard my brothers voice. It came shortly after waking up from a life like dream that he wasn't gone. I have those dreams quite a lot, but this time it felt even more real, there were no action packed scenes, no one ended up in the hospital. This one felt almost like how I wish last summer would have gone. I was coming home from Tennessee, and when I got off the plane all of my family was there to pick me up, including Taylor. I hugged him tight, and told him that I had the worst dream, that he was gone forever, and that I wasn't going to see him for a long time. He hugged me tight, and said you aren't getting rid of me that easily. We laughed and we walked out to the car, and life carried on like usual.

And then I woke up. I don't know what it is about my subconscious but some days I feel like it really wants to break my heart. Those dreams are the hardest, because they are so real that it is hard to distinguish if I really am dreaming or if my real life is the nightmare. As I was laying in bed I could hear people talking outside my room. I know that it was all just in my head, but I heard my brother talking to my dad, and they were laughing. It made me happy. I missed hearing his laugh, talking about pointless conversations, and otherwise doing nothing together. I wanted to run out there, but deep down I knew it wasn't real. I know he is gone, and the laughs that I heard were just a memory.

Which brings up why I am afraid.. I am terrified that one day I am going to wake up and I won't remember his laugh anymore, or the way he would make the stupidest jokes, or even the way he smelled, and the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget him. I try to relive those memories we shared over and over in my head, but the voices are silent. I cannot hear him anymore, and that terrifies me. In fifty years I want to be able to tell my kids about how amazing their uncle was, and have them be able to feel like they really know him. How am I supposed to do that when I keep forgetting the little things. I feel as if I don't keep his memories alive within me that in someway his life will be forgotten, and he deserves more than that.

I want his memory to live on forever. I want the future of our families to know how amazing he was, and I want to have others feel of his love, and his strength. I feel a burden to keep his spirit alive, so that others know who he is, and what he aspired for. And some days I believe that I want that for the most unselfish of reasons, but after days like that when I wake up from a dream so real, I realize I may want to keep them alive for some pretty selfish reasons. I want to hear his laugh when I wake up in the morning, or be able to know what he would say to me in certain situations, because that is how I know he never really has left my side.

Some days he feels so close to me, almost as if I could reach out and touch him, and other times he feels so far away, like he has left me for good. I pray always in my heart to have him be with me, to give me the patience I need to conquer this pain and heartache I feel, to give me the silence in my mind to know that he is okay, and for my heart to have the grace to know that I am not alone, and that I am watched over, and to continue to hear the echoes of what we used to be, to keep his memory alive in my life. I know that he is with me always, and because of that I know that I am going to be all right.

fear of falling

"Fearless does not mean you are without fear. Fearless means you will not let your fears stop you."

As I was facing this week, going into it I was stressed out to say the least. With the last week of the semester quickly approaching I found myself becoming burned out on both ends. I was becoming physically, and mentally exhausted. I was not sleeping well, and overall things were just weighing down on me a lot. A long with that my attention span was at about a one on a scale of zero to ten, so I was constantly distracting myself from the stress of this week by trolling through my social media pages. As I was reading through them, I came across this post by a friend of mine on facebook, the quote that I used at the beginning of this entry was used in that post, and it has inspired me this week.

Now to you this may not seem so awe-inspiring, or even useful.. But to me when I am exhausted I tend to overthink every possible situation, and all I do is create un-needed anxiety in my life. This time when the exhaustion hit I found myself going to the dark space in my mind that I try to avoid. The darkness that surrounds me when I think of my future, and what I am supposed to do now, now that everything in my life has taken a full turn around.

I have always known what I wanted to do with my life. During my senior year in high school when everyone was stressing out about what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives, I felt no stress. I knew that I wanted to teach interior design, and I had a plan that would put me on the path that I needed to be on in order to achieve this. I had my life for the next four years mapped out, and to me nothing was going to change my mind. And then July hit, and everything changed, my dreams seemed less vivid, and everything I thought I knew about myself I began to question. My passion for things faded, and I have been completely and utterly lost ever since. The confidence I had in my dreams was gone, that passion in my heart for doing what I loved was dimming, and I started doubting every decision I had made in my life to get me where I was. 

Ever since last semester I have been trying to find that desire in my heart again. I've been searching within myself to find that confident, and determined girl I used to be. When in reality, I feel nothing like that girl anymore. I used to be fearless. I was never afraid to fail because, I knew that if I tried, that I would get something out of it. I used to talk to everyone I met, and not have single care in the world about what they thought about me because I learned early that other peoples' opinions about me had no reflection of my self worth if I didn't give it the power to. It was through many lessons, and heartaches that I came to those realizations. However, now it seems that my memories are fading, and the lessons I learned are becoming unclear. I find myself putting on this strong, confident mask all the time, trying to be the person I used to be, but I am actually dying inside. I can't seem to cling onto the person I used to be anymore. The lessons I have learned, and experiences I have been through are beginning to seem irrelevant to the person I am now.

I worry that I am at the wrong place, at the wrong time. I fear that if I let someone into my heart that things will take a turn for the worse just like they have before, but mostly I fear that I am becoming a disappointment to the ones I care the most about. I've realized that all of these fears, and worries are all in my mind. That the expectation I feel burdened with to be perfect is nonexistent. 


That is why I am reinventing myself. I am trying to find the upgraded version of the girl that I used to be. I want to be fearless, and brave. I want to be able to have the confidence in myself that I used to have. But mostly, I want to use my ever developing strength to make me the person people can turn to. So many people are experiencing hard times including people close to me, and I want to be the person they can lean on to help them be strong. So in light of all these new found desires I have to be a better version of myself, I am forced to face these fears in my mind of being inadequate, and realize that I can be whoever I want to be, because I have the worlds best people on my sidelines rooting for me to the end, and I have some pretty amazing guardian angels with me who are the source of my strength. That is how I know that my fears will never be able to stop me from being the best me I can be.

honestly

Some days I get frustrated with the people in this world. I get frustrated for a lot of reason actually but, one stands out among all of my pet peeves as of late. That one thing is the pointless fights people have with their families. Now don't get me wrong, my family has these little fights sometimes. We are far from perfect. However, we don't let these fights determine so much of our future.

I get frustrated listening to people I associate with talk about how they don't speak to their siblings, or they fight with their families all the time. It is hard for me to bite my tongue and not grab their face between my hands, and look them dead in the eyes and say, you never know how long you have with each other. Don't waste your lives fighting over pointless situations, and things that really don't matter. Spend your time laughing, loving, and living. Don't miss those opportunities to share your dreams, to make countless memories, and don't miss those moments to say I love you.

Two years ago I remember being so frustrated with my brother. He wasn't living up to the potential we knew he had, and it had taken it's toll on all of us. I remember that was the longest time I went without having more than a two minute conversation with my brother. We would say good morning, maybe talk a little about our days, and then say goodnight. I never asked more, and neither did he.

I regret that year now more than anything I have ever done in my life. If I knew then, what I know now. If I knew that in a few short years that my brother would be gone, I would take it all back. I would have asked him how he was doing. I would have let all my frustrations and hatred towards his choices go. I would have told him I loved him. Even though I know he knew that I loved him, and I knew the he loved me, I would have said it out loud more. There are so many things I would have done differently.

My parents always taught us that friends will come and go, but your family is always going to be the ones that are always there for you. I know that is the reason I considered my brother to be one of my best friends. We never fought. We would bicker, and harass each other to the days end sometimes but, we always knew when we went to bed at night that we loved each other, and the next day it would all be okay. And even after that horrible year we still were able to pick up the pieces, and fix our fragile relationship because, we knew we were always going to be there for each other no matter what happened in our lives.

Make the moments you have with your family count. Tell them about your life, and listen when they talk about theirs. You can learn so much from your family if we only took the time to listen. Hug your siblings, even if you think it isn't cool to hug each other. Talk about your crushes with them. Watch stupid TV shows together and bond over them. DO IT. Stop waiting for the days when you are old and stuck with each other to create those memories, stop trying to be cool by ignoring your family. Spend time with them, laugh with them. Tell them you miss them when you go away, and tell them how much you appreciate them.

Stop being annoyed by the small things. Stop getting overly offended by things that really in the long run don't matter. Life is far to short, and you don't want to spend your life constantly worrying about the reason you are mad. Let it go. Let all the resentment, and hate, all the pointless arguments that have lasted for longer than an hour go. Move on. Come together and build a future. Stop dwelling on the past and look ahead. You only have one family. You don't get to choose a new one. So don't take the one you have been blessed to have for granted. Cherish every moment you have with them like it is the last. That way when the time comes that you are separated you will never look back and have all of the what ifs, and I wishes. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that you loved them with all  you could, and that they loved you, and your memories together will last until you are reunited once again.