I'm sitting in bed writing this.. because the fear of closing my eyes is strong. When I finally do I know what will come, and i'm avoiding it with all I have. So here I am hoping that if I say it out loud that maybe just maybe it will be easier to sleep tonight. That the nightmares won't come, and the tears won't fall. So please bear with me...
I've always hated this week. Each new day brings memories, nightmares, and some of the darkest days of my life. I look back to just a few years ago. I had just graduated from high school and the world seemed to be in front of me. I was headed on my first big solo adventure and I felt so ready for the life in front of me. I was ready to see what had been waiting outside of that old brick building. I was ready to find myself. I had just spent a night out with my family before I left on my trip laughing, and eating at our favorite place. We were celebrating that night. We were celebrating Tay's birthday knowing that I would be gone one his actually birthday. I remember sitting in our booth laughing and joking about how Tay was going to boycott my next birthday because I was not going to be here for his. We laughed and laughed. A few days after that I left early in the morning to catch my flight. As I was leaving the house I leaned down to my sleeping brother on the sofa and I told him that I loved him, and that I would see him soon. He didn't say anything back, he simply sighed and rolled over. I laughed because I knew he was thinking, "ya ya love you too sis. have fun. but please stop talking it is 5:00 in the morning." I remember texting him later that morning as I was sitting in the Atlanta airport for an eternal lay over. I sent him a picture of one of the television screens because it had the answer to a question on a game he was playing that we had talked about the night before. We laughed together. The next three days seemed to come and go in a rush, I saw him in passing as I facetimed my family one night as he was on his way out. We joked and I told him I would see him on Sunday when I was going to facetime them again. The next thing we did late one night.. I couldn't sleep. So I stayed up and watch a little Boy Meets World. I remember laughing thinking of the hundreds of times I had watched this with my brother, so I sent him a video clip we laughed and talked about the moments that followed that clip. Then I fell asleep. No other words were said between us that night.
Then the next day.. In one single moment my entire life was altered. There was no longer a wide open field in front of me anymore.. When I looked at the life ahead all I could see was darkness. It was gone in the instant I heard the four words that would change my life for the remainder of my life. "He didn't wake up". That's all it took. I remember sitting in a room in a church in Tennessee listening to my cousin tell me these words. I remember looking up at the ceiling and feeling the world around me start spinning faster and faster. It couldn't actually be happening.. Could it? Could someone really be here 12 hours before and then gone? I walked through it all...the last conversation we had, falling asleep knowing I would see him the next day when I was going to facetime my family... It all seemed so normal.. But then there I was sitting in what seemed like a nightmare. I was praying someone would come around and wake me up but no one did. I just sat there thinking of how this could be possible, how could he really be gone, and what was I supposed to do now. He was literally all I had. He was the only person who had talked me off the ledge I always seemed to find myself on, the person who seemed to find the clarity in the haze that was my life, and he was always there to tell me how important I was.. and honestly he was the only one I believed.
It all seemed so surreal after that, I ended up in a restroom down the hall after aimless walking. I'm sure the people I passed in the hall thought I had lost my mind because I had tear stained cheeks, and a dazed look in my eyes that I noticed when I saw my face in the mirror. I began pinching myself begging myself to wake up, but just like before in the classroom, it wasn't a terrible dream. I didn't know who to talk to.. Where to turn.. What to do.. So I walked out of the bathroom and I followed my family outside and I got in the van as they took me home. When we got there I just started pacing. I swear I wore holes in the floor I walked in circles for so long. Every time I tried to stop and I'd sit down I would just start crying uncontrollably.. So I'd get up and walk in circles again.. And again.. And again. I didn't know who to talk to.. I didn't want to talk to anyone.. but I did.. I told the last person I thought I would. I told the last person I loved. I remember how supportive he was, how he wanted to step in and help right then. I never thanked him for that.. I wanted to a hundred times, but words never seemed to be enough.
Then I came home and it didn't seem real once more. I thought for sure I was going to walk in the front door and he'd be there. My brother would be sitting on the couch right where he was when I left and where I whispered I love you as he slept, but I walked in the door to find that punch in the gut reality that had persistently been hitting me the past 24 hours. The house felt different. Like a someone had changed something, but at the same time it felt so full. I always thought it was all the people that seemed to be coming and going. The people who would sit and hold me as I cried, or the ones who silently sat as I stared in a lost daze not knowing what to say or do.
I remember the whispers.. The looks on everyone's face.. I remember all the tear stains on the cheeks.. The people everywhere I turned.. And the food that seemed to always be showing up even though I never felt like eating it.. The next week seemed much more of a blur. Planning flowers, creating
programs, finding pictures.. Slideshows.. And writing talks. It all came
and went so soon that suddenly I was there. I was sitting in a room
grasping onto the last strand of my brother. I remember standing in that
room the whole time. Never leaving his side. My hand on his.. I felt
like if I never let go then he wasn't really gone. I prayed and prayed
and prayed for courage that night. To hold onto any form of grace that I
had left inside of me to be there. I remember my brothers friends
checking on me. Making sure that I was okay. Being my brother for him. I
relied on them to get me through..I had two other constants. My two rocks. The two I knew that no matter what, that they were going to be there. Jenn and Gav never left my side.. I swear if I didn't convince her I was going to sleep some nights jenn would have been at my house around the clock, and I don't think she will ever know how much knowing that saved me. Gav has always known me better than anyone. He can look at me and know when I'm putting on a face for people or if I'm truly how I say I am, and he always knew just what to say or do. Bringing me stashes of Mountain Dew or bringing movies to try and make me smile if even for a moment. I know that without those two I would have been a lost ship at sea.
Then it was time. We sat in a room and said goodbye. I remember following him into that chapel. Looking at all the people there and it didn't seem real. This couldn't really be happening? I couldn't be facing this moment now. He was my brother and now there I was saying goodbye, and it didn't seem right. Nothing seemed real and nothing seemed fair. So I cried. Because I didn't know what else to do. Then it was time. I had to dry those tears and stand in front of a room full of people who loved him and tell them why I loved my brother and what made him so amazing. I did. I told them how much I admired him.. How much his courage inspired me.. How much his determination to follow his dreams made me want to follow mine.. And how I would be counting down the days to see him again. It all came and went so quickly.
Then we were alone.
Left to figure out how we could possibly live on...
Now here we are three years later and we are still learning. Every day I wake up with the reminder he is gone, and every day I cry a little less than the day before. I cry every single day longing for my brother. I'm not perfect. I'm not healed. But I'm getting better. Some days I still sit on the living room floor and bawl my eyes out because that hole in my heart is still there. It always will be. But some how I manage to get up wipe the tears and face the world outside because I know my brother wouldn't want me to cry because he's gone. He'd want me to live my life the best I can because he always believed in me.
One day maybe I will wake up when this week comes and I won't be terrified. I won't fear the nightmares that bring sleepless nights and I won't remember all the dark and twisty parts that this week brought me. One day I am going to wake up and only remember the things that came to my life this week. Because despite these being some of the worst days of my life, some of the greatest things I know and have came from this awful week. I use them as a reminder that despite this darkness.. I now can face the world in front of me and that I will find my way. That one day these moments will shine a light on what my life has always had in store. It may be a hard road ahead to get to that light switch but I know that it is out there and when I find it I will look back and know that it all mattered for some reason. Every memory. Every laugh. Every fight we had. Every inside joke. Every hug mattered. Because it brought me to where I was supposed to be. And that is the greatest gift my brother has given me.
I pray the one day I won't be haunted by the words I left unspoken. That one day I will be able to live through this week without fearing I will breakdown in the middle of the store because my heart is so broken. I pray that one day I will heal. I try every single day to find the broken piece and put it back together with the others, and some days I am successful, and I can fill them up one by one, but I am human. I have bad days where I leave the pieces untouched and I let my heart consume itself in grief and pain, but every time I do the pieces I have managed to fix make it easier to get up and face the world around me. I honestly don't believe that I will ever be able to be fixed. I know I am broken, and I have learned that being broken doesn't mean you're anything less. I have had some of the hardest times of my life, but I have learned so much more about myself than I ever thought possible three years ago, and I know that it is because of my brother. He is guiding me, helping me, saving me, protecting me every single day. That is how I know that I will be okay. He always has been the best big brother. So I will wait until that day when I can finally see him again, and tell him that I love him more than I could ever find the words to say, and thank him for being my one and only big brother. Loving you always missing you still brother of mine.
I know you're here guiding me to that light switch.. Just promise not to laugh when I trip over my own feet.. We both know how good I am at that.
Forever
