wander

"Not all who wander are lost"

A few days ago I found myself alone. In the silence of my home with no one else around. I laid down and closed my eyes. When I am truly alone is when I completely and utterly fall apart. I no longer have to put on my facade. When I am alone..I close my eyes and I can see his smile, and I hear his laugh. In those moments of quiet I feel him, and it is like he never left.

I haven't felt whole in almost two years. I constantly feel like this huge part of who I am, who I should be is just gone. I keep searching and searching for the missing piece that might put me back together. I search in music, I search in love, I search in books and movies, I search in others, but I can never find what I am searching for. I am searching for my brother, but he isn't here anymore.

He always knew who I was, and he always made sure I knew that. So now without his words.. Without his support.. Without his guidance.. I am left to wander, constantly searching for who he would tell me I could be. I always looked to him in many ways. In ways of things to do, and not to do. In things both mental and spiritual. He was my North Star. I always knew where I could go because I could follow the light he put for me to follow. Now that guiding light is gone and I am left to wander this world by myself. To look for who I am, and who I want to be, and who I should be without the guiding light. For the first time in 20 years I have had to do this alone. And I am as scared as I have ever been, because deep down I don't want to let him down. I want to be the best version of myself for him, because that is the person he always knew I was, and who I could be.

My brother always saw the best in me, even when I couldn't see it in myself. He was the first in line to say all that I could do, and be. He was always there for me no matter what. Just like he is now. I am reminded in the stillness that fact. That because he knows me, and he knows who I can be that he won't let me give up on myself. I see it in the fight inside me when I don't feel like I can get out of bed on the nights when all I do is ache for a hug, or piece of advice from my big brother. I feel it when my heart breaks at the thought of not seeing his face when I walk through that front door. I have felt him protect me from danger, from heart break, from lies, and sadness. He doesn't want me to fail, and because I know that.. I know he won't let me stop searching until I become the person he knows I can be.

I may wander in the silence of my mind. I may be searching for the person I am supposed to be. But for the first time in two years of searching I finally know that I am not lost. I still have my North Star to guide me through this life. The light that will help me to be the person I am supposed to be. I know this because I know that my brother loves me, just as much as I love him, and no limitation be it death, or life can break our love because we are the greatest duo there ever was, and will be. He is the yang to my yin and because of that his light will never stop guiding me. I have just learned that it just isn't tangible anymore. His light comes in things I find, in words spoken by other, in lyrics, in the weird ways I see myself begin to like things he would. Ways I never noticed before. He is always with me.

So to all you wanders. Wander.. Keep wandering until you find that piece that makes you, you. Not all who wander are lost, and not all who are lost are alone. This world may be dark and uncertain but we all have our own North Star to guide us. Just keep searching and don't stop because the world is screaming at you to give up. Wake up, and fight to see your guiding light, to become that version of yourself that makes you feel complete. You aren't alone, despite the silence, and the darkness. You will find your way, and you are never truly lost.

are you out there?

I have come quite accustomed to the word love in my life. I have said it many times, and heard it just the same.. and as time has continued to pass love has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
I have seen so many of my closest friends find love. The kind of love that is made to last forever and not just a moment, a love I am truly envious of. I am just like most girls. I anxiously await the day for me to finally find that forever kind of love.

Having lost so many different loves, and different points in my life has made me wonder about my future. Where will I find this love of mine that was made to stand the test of time. Will I find it where and when I least expect it? Has it been in my life already, and timing has yet to fall into place? Or have I already loved and lost that one love? To be honest I don't know. I often wonder if it would be easier for me to know exactly who I am supposed to be with forever. To just have the Lord say here Morgan.. This is the man that was made to heal the deepest pains in your heart, and to be yours forever. I honestly think some days I would really appreciate it.

Now before you all get you panties in a twist saying, "girl come on you are only twenty.. you have all the time in the world to find your person." to you I would say I know that. Trust me, I am in no rush to get hitched. As happy as I am for all of those people in my life who have already found their person.. I know for myself that I am not at that point in my life yet. That is not the point of this at all. I guess the point I am trying to make is we are thrown into this world with so many unanswered questions. Questions that we have to search to find the answers to, sometimes they come quick, and sometimes it takes years and years of asking and searching to find and receive those answers. I just want to know that my forever is out there. That I know that when my world gets dark, like it will inevitably get, that I will have someone to hold my hand and walk through it with me. I want to know that. I don't want to have to keep playing the games of what are you really thinking and are not saying anymore. I simply want simple.

But alas, when has anything in this life ever been simple.

So I ask if you are out there my ever so illusive forever.. Know I wish with all my heart to find you, and I pray that you are being strong in this world where so many things are tearing apart. That you remain strong to the person you know you should be, and that I am doing the same. Know that I cannot wait to find you, and be ever so crazy about you as I hope you will be of me.

Here's to someday finding forever, and enjoying life until it comes. Like I said I am only twenty, and life has only just begun.