i remember..

Life is full of memories. Happy ones, sad ones, ones that made you feel something you never imagined, and the ones that make you feel like you have lived. This past week was a week of memories. We sat around this weekend celebrating a holiday, Memorial Day. People celebrate this in many ways, some visiting lost loves ones, some are showing gratitude to those people who gave their lives for us, and our freedoms. For my family and I it was the first one. We spent sunday morning traveling to multiple cemeteries putting flowers next to our loved ones headstones. Remembering the lives they lived. Sunday was hard. I always used to struggle going to see my lost family members every year, most years it was the hardest going to my grandma's. She was such a strength to me at such a young age, and somedays I feel like I missed out on a life with her. I was so young when she died, I remember very little about the time I spent with her, but I remember all the laughs and memories. However, on days like memorial day I am reminded of the bad days, I remember vividly being woken up so early in the morning from my parents telling us we had to go to grandma and grandpas. That we had to say goodbye to grandma. I remember sitting in the car while my parents went inside, because they didn't want us to remember our grandma that way. The last thing I remember is her funeral. I was so lost, and confused. Being as little as I was I could never wrap my head around her being gone. I didn't even say goodbye to her, and that has haunted me everyday.

That was before. Now the hardest part of this holiday is putting flowers by my brother. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be doing this. I sit on the grass in front of his headstone, and convince myself over and over again that this isn't real. How could this possibly be real. None of this makes sense to me. I question everything that has ever happened in my life with my brother. And just like with my grandma I am reminded of all the memories, but the dark ones stood out on Monday...

I remember it all like it was yesterday. I was laying in bed late saturday night at my cousin's house in Tennessee. I had been there for a couple days spending time with them. It was quite late there, but I was up watching Boy Meets World because I couldn't sleep. I texted my brother a video of the show,  knowing that he would find it funny, and that he would understand. So I spent an hour or so texting him, and I fell asleep much like I usually do when I am texting someone late at night. (My friends can attest to this) Well I woke up the next morning and got ready to go to church with my cousin's family. Everything was going exactly how most sundays go. I was on twitter in-between meetings, and I saw a funny picture so I sent it to my brother. Once again knowing he would laugh, and understand my humor. There was no response. I figured he wasn't awake yet forgetting we were in different time zones so I let it slide, thinking that he would respond when he got it. I carried on with my day. Later that day I texted my parents checking in with them. And once again I got no response. Deep down apart of me knew something was up, but I couldn't quite place it.

Later that day we were driving to a baptism in my cousin's ward. My Aunt got a call, and she began to get upset. That's when I knew something bad had happened. I didn't know what, but I knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that something was not okay. After my aunt hung up the phone, she didn't say anything, so I pushed out the feeling that something was wrong. Until I got a text from my cousin asking me if everything was okay at my house. I responded that as far as I knew everything was fine but I was out of the state, and couldn't be certain. He then proceeded to tell me his mom had heard that and ambulance had been called to my house, but he was glad to hear everything was okay. I was so confused. I thought for sure she must have heard something wrong because I hadn't heard a word. I tried texting my parents again. No response. So I went to the next thing to my parents, I text my friends mom across the street. I asked her if everything was okay, because I hadn't heard from my parents in a while. She responded and told me I needed to call my mom.. I went to stand up to go out in the hallway to call my mom. As I was about to leave my aunt put her hand on my shoulder, and told me that her and my cousin had something they needed to tell me. I remember feeling that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling that something bad had happened returned but this time I knew. They hadn't told me yet, and I couldn't know for certain what had happened, but I knew something had happened. We went into a small classroom, and they began to tell me all about the week my parents and brother had had leading up to that that day, that they had done a lot of things, and that my brother was doing good, I was so confused. I thought for sure they were going to tell me some relative of mine had passed away, but I couldn't understand why they were telling me about my brother, and the week he had. Then they told me that my mom went to wake him up for church this morning, and he just didn't wake up. I lost it, in that moment any ounce of strength I thought I had within me was gone, it seemed like a dream, like someone was pulling a mean practical joke on me, and any minute the cameras would appear and they would yell gotcha. But much to my disbelief no one came out, no one yelled gotcha, and the pain set deeper and deeper inside of me. I remember just crying and crying, I didn't know what to do.. In that moment I knew I needed to call my parents.

As the phone rang I dreaded the sounds that would come from the other end. I heard could hear the tears of my parents, and I could hear their hearts breaking. It was too much. The pain within me got worse. My dad told me to be strong, and that they were going to do all they could to get me home the next day. He told me to call anytime, and that I needed to rely on my cousins, and the priesthood that my cousin held to get me through until I got home. My aunt just held me in her arms as I cried, I couldn't take it I had to get out of that room. I walked the halls of this church building, surrounded with pictures of the savior, and you would think I would have felt better being in a place like that but I didn't. I went into the first restroom I could find and just stared at myself in the mirror. I remember throwing water on my face, pinching myself, and screaming inside to just wake up, to make this nightmare end. But it didn't end. I walked out of the restroom, and my cousin put me in the car, and drove us back to his house. My aunt then went straight to making the necessary arrangements to get us home the next day. I remember walking around in circles in that house. Like a ghost of myself. I sat on the edge of my bed, and got a feeling. The first feeling of calm that had come since I got the news. I felt my brother sitting next to me, and almost like a whisper came to my ear, "Morgan, I am alright, I am sitting her with grandma, and grandpa, and everyone else. I am okay. Stay strong, and be there for mom and dad." I called my mom, and we just cried, I told her that I knew he was okay, and who he was with, and told her I would see her tomorrow.

The next thing I remember other than sitting on a plane that felt like it lasted for hours. To be honest I don't even remember if I had to switch planes, if we did I don't remember. I just remember sitting there in a plane staring at the seat in front of me convincing myself that I would get home, and it would not be real. Even though I knew it was, there was still that part of me clinging onto any ounce of faith left in me. We got off the plane, and went home. Only to find that it was real, far more real than I could have ever imagined.

That is what I remembered sitting there on my brothers grass. Wishing he was there, wishing that the night before my world fell apart that I would have told him I loved him before I fell asleep. I know my brother knows I love him, but a part of me will always regret falling asleep without say those three words one last time.

I am lucky to know that I will be with my brother again, and whether I believe it or not I am stronger than I will ever know. I am grateful for my family, and the constant strength they are to me, for bringing me joy and laughter even on the darkest of days.