fine line

I have come to realize there is a fine line between being madly in love, and falling out of love. There is no road map for love. No guidelines to follow, no X marking the spot of where we should be, and how to get to that point. If you would have told me that the love I have felt for the past seven months could be gone with the snap of his fingers I would have told you-you were crazy. I have loved before, and I have felt the loss of love before but none of those times can relate to the magnitude of loss I have been feeling these past few months.

My mind has been in this constant battle between loving the man who hurt me or walking away from the first love that has made me feel things I have never felt before. It all seemed so simple when we met. Fall in love with the man who seemed to be everything that I thought was picture perfect, finally have a forever, but there I was standing on this line between loving and leaving terrified of what would happen when I took that step forward. Would we snap? Would the love we had to be enough to fix the lie that had destroyed everything I thought we had? Could I live a happy life knowing that within an instant that line that once held us together could be erased? I lived the better part of two weeks standing still. Not wanting to lose the man I thought I had forever to love, but not wanting to hurt anymore. I stood still. Terrified.. In denial... Broken... and in disbelief asking myself how a love that was once epic could be taken from me in an instant. That was something my mind couldn't wrap itself around. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to have to walk away from a promise of forever because our forever looked perfect in my mind.

However, nothing is perfect, and the life I once thought was perfect was far from it. All I wanted was to be loved and to have love in return. I based this blog three years ago off the fact that I am utterly and immensely afraid of being alone, and for once in a long time I had that peace of knowing I wasn't going to have to be alone anymore, and when that peace was taken from me I was constantly wondering why again. Why me? Why could I not have happiness just this one time? Why is every dream, and every wish I have taken from me? It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who is honest, and true. Who is everything you wish for, and everything you need, but in reality it is! It may not be impossible because there are millions of epic and true love stories that give people like me hope that some day when we least expect it that great and epic love will find each of us...

Lately, as I have been faced with what I consider to be the second greatest trial of my life I find myself wondering what I did in my life that brought me here. At this place where I find myself questioning my heart, my mind, and everything else in this world. I have always tried to be strong when I am feeling unimaginably broken and low. I strive to be the person I wanted to be no matter what circumstances I found myself in, but here I am broken and pretending to be strong and happy when really I can't manage to go a day without crying over lost love and lost hope. It's crazy how quick life can go from being so blissfully happy to so unimaginably low within the matter of a single day. I found myself in a situation where I was giving my entire heart, mind, and soul to a man who didn't give all of himself back and the results were catastrophic to my entire being. He was everything I wanted love to be. He was the man that I used to dream up when I was a little girl wishing on stars for, but in the real world perfect is just something we all aspire to be not some thing that can be found, and no one can live up to the expectations of perfection because we are all human.

Even though I am broken I wouldn't change a thing. The love I felt for him was not wasted. It was an epic love. A love some only feel once in a lifetime, but for me I hope I am lucky enough to feel it one more time. He was kind, funny, loving, and spiritually centered... but in the end no matter how many times I was reassured that he was the one I was supposed to be with.. it didn't change who he is, and what he was keeping from me. My heart was open and ready to move forward. His was open but not ready to move forward. I hope one day I will find a man whose heart as open to mine as mine will be to his. 

Love is a fickle business. It can't be rushed, or slowed down. Once love is part of our lives, our lives take on a whole new meaning and speed. If I have received anything in this experience it is that you have forever to be together when you find the right person, and forever is long enough that no time will be wasted while you wait to get to know each other. The next is that no one is perfect, and I know that, but that doesn't mean you deserve less than what you feel you are worthy of because everyone is worthy of perfection, so find someone who is constantly striving to be so. Lastly, there is no amount of love, compassion, or friendship that can heal broken trust. Trust is crucial for any relationship to work, and if that is broken or altered it is almost impossible to get back to complete trust. Almost. No abound of manipulation of what love should be, or belittling of your worth can change a heart that has lost trust. NONE. 

I won't settle for a love less than what I know I deserve. My past love was exactly who I needed to show me that love is real, and I could believe in it again. He taught me to love when I didn't want to love another person again, and he taught me that I can take down my walls when I am with someone who I know I love. I want nothing but the best love for him. He is a great man, and I hope one day that greatness will bring great love and he can fully open his heart to that person, but unfortunately that great love is not ours.

So dear future someone. I am here.. striving for perfection.. striving to better myself.. striving to keep my mind and heart ready to accept your love..