stillness

It's a new year. Crazy right? Just like in new years that have come and gone I have found a second in this new moment in life to look back at the past 365 days of my life. What good did I see? Did I do any good? What bad things came in my path? Did I overcome them with the grace and dignity that I strive to have? The answers this year came in floods. This past year was one filled with love, and hope.. but most importantly light.

As most of you have read in past posts there have been a lot of points these past few years where the light in my life has seemed quite dim. I didn't think a lot of things were going to be a reality in my life, and I had come to expect that the Lord was all about sending me new and hard trials to test my faith, but that at least at this stage in my life trials were about all I was destined for. It didn't really matter what positive quote I would read, or what kind of activities, and the type of people I associated with would change that mindset. I had come to accept that I was going to have to be fearlessly alone for the foreseeable future. That wasn't something that came easy for me to accept whatsoever, and I most definitely am not sharing this with you because I want any of you to feel sorry for me. I think in my own way this was greatest trial I have had so far in my life. The trail to accept myself. To accept that even though I didn't want to be; that I would have a miraculous life being alone with just myself. I think the Lord knew I needed to learn to accept my brokenness as a starting point to being able to move forward with my life.

In many moments it seemed that this new stillness of being alone was lonely, but the more I found myself alone the more I felt strong. In those moments I didn't see fulfillment in my life in the form of how quickly I was going to get married, or even if I was going to get married. I didn't see happiness in how many friends I had, or where I was living. I learned to find happiness in a life with just me, and that turned out to be enough.

I am enough friends.

I think that is the most important thing I am taking from this past year. Despite the heartbreaks that found me, and the trials that I faced, or even the amazing trips and laughs that I had. Though they were great they weren't my most redeemable moments these past 365 days.

So if I could share one last thing to start off this new year. If you are struggling with being alone. With the ideas of loneliness, and fear of a future that you can't foresee. I would give you this one piece of advice from someone that has been there. Stop. Breathe. Take it step by step. One single 24 hour day at a time. Learn to find that you are enough. There is no other man or woman in this world that is going to define you, or make you feel complete. That is your job. You have a responsibility to yourself to love every ounce of you. It may not be easy. Heck some days you are going to sit in a ball in your room and cry out that you are done. I've been there. I know that heart shattering moment when your heart and mind decide that you don't deserve to feel that completeness that others in the world appear to have, but let me tell you one thing, that voice in your mind and your heart is dead wrong. One day you will wake up and learn that a life with just you might not be so bad, and that your heart and life can be complete because you are enough.

I know that when you accept that idea.. that single notion.. that amazing things change. You will find more joy and light. There is a light out there for the lonely and afraid, and oh how I have missed it in my life.

So friends here's to a new year filled with light, and learning that we are enough.. and the world can't tell us otherwise.