two a.m

My mind tends to wonder after midnight. On nights when I can't seem to fall asleep, and I have exhausted all avenues of entertainment for the night, my mind begins to wonder. A lot of the time I think silence is the quiet killer of my sanity. I lay in bed thinking of things, mostly things I cannot control, and I think of things I wish for. Without fail however the last thing I think of is my brother.

I am getting pretty good at holding myself together, or at least giving the illusion that I am doing just fine. Deep down I know I am far from okay, but some times I feel as if people expect me to be okay, so instead of feeling how I feel I push it away, and put on the brave happy face everyone expects. If I am lucky I can make it through the day, and fall asleep before my mind has time to bring up those feelings I desperately try to keep hidden away. Last night I wasn't as fortunate.

I laid in bed last night and I watched time move minute by minute, and I couldn't stop the thoughts from creeping in. All of a sudden a rush of emotion filled me. I curled up preparing myself for the wave of tears I knew were quickly behind my heartache. Just like clock work it all comes back. I think of everything, the time I spent with him right up until he was gone, the last conversation I would ever have with him, how I didn't tell him I loved him that one last time before I fell asleep, and the amount I miss him every day. I began to miss him more than I thought imaginable. I miss his hugs, and the way he knew exactly what to say to make me believe that I was going to be okay, and that I was doing the right thing. I miss how he always had the right advice to help me make the decisions I was struggling to make, and I missed the intuition he had about the people in my life. He always knew who I should spend time with and who I shouldn't. He saw the big picture for me, and he always helped me to see it too. I struggle with not having that voice of reason with me everyday. I wish more than anything he was here to help me see it now. Most of all last night I just missed his voice, the comfort it brings to me, and I missed his laugh. How without fail he could always make me laugh. I listened to the first five seconds of his tribute video over and over again just so I could hear his laugh if only for a second.

A month or so after he had passed my parents told me I could have anything I wanted of my brothers. I didn't know what I would want, but I knew I had to keep something. I don't think I ever realized how much I really care about all of his things until I think about giving them away. When I was first looking at what I wanted I found one of his shirts, a shirt he would wear quite often, and one that I knew he liked. I remember being so distraught that day that I remember grabbing it off the hanger and just holding it close, remembering every little detail about him, and that is when I noticed it. I had found the single item my brother had that still smelled like him. I don't know how it was possible considering it hadn't been worn in a long while, and everything in there was freshly washed, but it smelled like my brother. I often hold that shirt close when the days are terrible, and I miss him more than I can bear, and most days it helps. 

Last night, I was so upset that I went to reach for the shirt that always gives me peace, and my brother was gone. The scent that has given me so many moments of solitude was gone. I was lost. The one thing I had to get me through now was just what it has always been, a shirt. The power it had to comfort me was gone, I didn't know how to feel, and I didn't know what to do next. I just laid there clenching onto a shirt that was now just that a shirt. Yes, it was still my brothers, and I guess it should still bring me a piece of him, but it just wasn't the same.  I tried to think of what I could do now to give me that serenity i was searching for, and I did what I do quite often..

Many times I talk to my brother just like he is here. I may come off like a crazy person if anyone ever heard these conversations, because well they are really one sided. This time I think was the first time I genuinely sat and waited for his response to the questions I was desperately searching answers to. I was hurting for a lot of reasons, and I really needed him to tell me what I should do. In that moment of silence waiting for him, I have never felt more peace, for the first time in almost a year I felt as though I could reach out and touch him, as if he was physically holding me close and telling me what I needed to hear.

So this week I am grateful for the bond I have with my brother. That even though we are temporarily separated, that our bond is strong enough to break through, and that he is able to be with me always. I am grateful for the peace he gives me, and I am grateful to know all that I know. I miss my brother more than words, or smiles can ever make up for, but I know he is with me, and that when I am laughing, smiling, and living life the best I can that he is right here with me enjoying it all through my eyes. I love you to the moon and back brother of mine. Thank you for everything..