I have this constant battle within me every day. I wake up look up at the ceiling of my room, and fight with myself whether to get up, or just lay there, whether to smile at the thought of a new day, or see the day as what it is another day fighting the darkness in my mind.
I have never had do this before. I have always been able to face the days with a smile, and mean it. It was never forced, or lacking in genuine nature. However, it is different now. Even though I have thousands of reasons to smile and be happy, none of them seem to matter at that point in the morning. Well minutes pass over this internal battle, and I usually decided to get up frankly because there is no other option when you have to go to work, and I put on the face the world expects to see.
At this point people expect me to have the same overly optimistic smile, and positive attitude that I have always had. And truth be told I wish I was still that person. I wish I could see the light at the end of the darkness, and embrace the truths that I know. Now more than ever I wish I was as bright as I used to be. Now the darkness clouds me, and most days the darkness of the day wins over. This darkness isn't anything like temptations, or bad choices. It comes in more of a sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness, and depressing thoughts.. I think of things that are wrong in my life and not necessarily the good things..
For about a month I have been pleading to my Heavenly Father why he keeps putting really crumby things in my path. Why I had to experience all of these heartaches and pains. Why did Taylor have to have so many trials? Why did my dad have to lose his job? Why did Taylor have to be taken so early? Why couldn't Grandma have been around long enough to see me get married? Why did I not qualify for financial aid to pay for school? The list could go on. I am pretty sure he has just sat there listening to me as if to say, are you done yet? I have been so quick to shy away from any thought of gratitude that even the slightest things I would brush off.
That is why I posted my talk in my last post. I thought maybe, just maybe if I read the words I wrote, and found that sense of strength in gratitude again, that I could wake up in the mornings to see the light. It didn't come. I read and re-read that talk over and over and I got nothing. I needed a sign. A sign that He still cared enough about me. That the light was still there, and that I was still the grateful person I had always been.
It didn't come right away. The answer to the question I had in my heart didn't come to me all at once one morning. No, it came in pieces. It came in a Mormon message posted by a friend, it came in memories, it came in a few positive things happening in my life, but most of all it came by a way of patience. A patience that in some time The Lord was going to heal me. That one day I would wake up and look up and my ceiling and smile at the thought of facing the day ahead knowing that I was going to be okay.
I still wake up every morning and look up. I look up at my ceiling, and the darkness is still there. But if I looked around, if I turned my head to the left I would see a wall full of photographs of people who I love, and people who love me, if I looked to the right I would see a collage of photographs of my brother and me, if I looked forward I would see a quote, "If you can't control the wind, learn to adjust your sails", and if I really looked around I would see so much light that it could shine for the world to see.
It is still hard. No amount of gratitude or answers will change that. I believe that it will be hard for the rest of my life. That no day will be perfect because I am not perfect. I am learning day by day again to seek out the light, to find the rays that fill my soul. I hope to one day find the light again, to feel of it's warmth as it fills my soul. One day I will look up, and I won't see darkness, but the purest of lights..
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