Ever since I got home from my trip I haven't really felt like myself. I have been trying to figure out why, and all I can come up with is one word, disappointment.
Have you ever woken up one day and just felt like a major disappointment? I have this week. I feel like I am disappointing everyone in my life, but most of all myself.
I feel as if I disappointed my friends while we were in Vegas. I couldn't put into words while we were there how insanely hard it was for me to be in that city. Something hard I have to face is doing things my brother loved to do. It is hard for me to do any of the things he enjoyed, or going to any of the places that he loved. Now if any of you knew my brother you know how much he loved Las Vegas. As soon as we arrived in the city that is all I could think about. All I could see in the faces around me were my brother. It was one of the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time, and it ripped my heart out knowing while I was in the city he loved, that he would never be able to experience it again. So to my friends I am deeply sorry if I disappointed you, and ruined what you wished would have been a more adventurous moment. I wish in that moment I could have been strong enough for you guys.
I disappointed myself. I once again let my mind be clouded with words that had no meaning, and what I thought to be genuine, and caring moments to become more that what they were. I allowed myself to slip into web of lies guys tell to get something from you, and I have been beating myself up over it for a week. I wish then that I would have held my guns, and stuck to the plan of not allowing the words he said make me believe that he was any different until he gave me a reason to believe he was. So to myself I hope one day I learn to forgive myself for the short comings I see in my own life.
Mostly, out of all of these I feel like I disappointed the most important person in my life, my heavenly father. I have done a lot of soul searching these last couple months, I have tried to convince myself that I didn't have to give 100% to what I believe in, because when I did give my all, bad things kept happening. So I guess in a way I thought well if bad things are still going to happen why must I give my all. I didn't do anything bad, I just let little things not bug me anymore. If I slipped up, and forgot to pray one night I simply would shrug it off. If I acted out as much as I ever could, mostly by being a major sass. I would shrug it off, and I honestly thought I might be able to handle my life without his help. Let me tell you something right now, I was wrong. I have never felt more lost, and scared then when I let my work towards becoming better slack off. I have seen the hole not having his light in my life as strong has caused, and I am on my knees daily now asking for his forgiveness, and help. I know I cannot do it alone, and I shouldn't have had to test my faith in order to know this. I shouldn't have let what the world expected me to be cloud the way I know he would want me to be. I hope one day in the near future I can have his light shine strongly in my soul again.
I don't know what it is about disconnecting yourself from all the noise of the world that causes the mind to solve the aches you feel inside, but it did just that. All I had to do was walk away from my phone, get away from social media, look at myself in the mirror, and honestly ask if the person who I saw was who I wanted to be. Try it. Turn it off, take a step back and see the world around you. Stop walking around like someone else trapped inside your body. Be the person you know you should be, and let the world get over it. You are who are supposed to be, no man, friend, or random stranger on the street should ever make you feel like you are something you are not. Let the light in, and see yourself the way Heavenly Father does. You might be surprised the things you learn in such a short time.
No comments:
Post a Comment