always

A year ago I wrote a speech on my brothers life. I gave it to a room full of people who loved my brother, a room full of people who take every ounce of energy I have to forgive, and a room filled with people who will never understand what this past year has been like.

Some days this past year feels like it has flown by, and other days it feels like it was yesterday when I lost my best friend, and the hours keep dragging by like nothing has changed.
A year ago I remember sitting and staring up at the sky asking why me, why do bad things keep happening to me. And a year ago I found myself in a really dark place.

I could sit here and tell you all about how miserable and depressing the past 12 months have been without my brother. I could tell you story after story of nights where I didn't think I would ever feel whole again, or times when I thought my family would never truly laugh again. There have been days and nights when I declared that my white flag was in the air, and that I didn't think I could make it through any longer.. But when the darkness came and the fog began to consume me one voice would fill my mind. My brother's. Things we used to say when the days sucked, or things we would say when we didn't know what else to say.. The last piece of wisdom he would ever give me.. Those things fill my mind. His voice telling me he will always be there for me, that voice telling me we were a team, and that nothing would break us apart. That is what constantly gets me through..

His voice is the light in the darkness in my heart, his love is what makes me feel like this will all be okay. I never told him how much he did for me, or what he gave to me. So I figured I would tell all of you, in hopes that you will know how truly amazing my brother was and still is.. this is a letter I wrote to him one he will never read, but I hope he knows I mean every word.

Ever since I was a little kid I had someone I looked up to. I would watch you every day, the way you would laugh, the way you used to try so many different things, and how you never let fear or doubt cloud your mind. I watched you live your life in so many different ways, and I saw you live your dreams. I never feared life alone because I knew I would have you, my guide, my rock, and my best friend. I never told you how much you did for me because I never thought there would be a day when I couldn't. As we grew up, we grew apart in some ways. It was no longer cool for you to have a little sister tag along with your friends, and I was too stubborn to think it was cool to hug my brother, but I still watched you. 

I watched you get straight A's, and make the honor roll. I watched you fall in love with girls in your school, and I watched you in moments of heartbreak. As time passed I watched you fall, but I also saw you stand back on your feet dust yourself off, and start over. I knew in dark times you said things about how I was the golden child that I never made mistakes. But you didn't know then was that I was the person I was because of the person I saw you become. I got good grades because you were so smart, I made honor roll because you always did, and I knew that would be what was expected of me. When I fell in love I did so carelessly, with out a fear, because that is what you did, and when my heart was broken I felt it just as deeply as you did. I knew what not to do because you walked through fire so I wouldn't have to. Taylor you saved me. I am not nearly as strong as you are, and I never will be. I  believe with every fiber of my being that you were my brother for a reason. If I didn't have you to follow, I would have fallen flat on my face. But instead, I believe that you said not her, I will do it. That was your divine destiny, you were destined to be my brother, my guardian angel, and my saving grace. 

You have shown me how to love, how to follow my dreams, how to stand up for myself, and you have shown me my worth. You are the greatest brother I could ever have dreamed up. I wish I could have shown you that better when you were here, and I wish you knew this then. I now have to face this world alone. I have accepted that I have to make my own mistakes now. You walked through hell and back, and it would be selfish for me to wish you were here just for me. We made a deal long ago that we would always be there for each other, and if I know one thing for sure that is that we never break our promises to each other. So this time when I fall, and you know I will, I pray that you will always be there to help me up, to help me see the world the way you did, to help me find a dream worth fighting for, and to help me love with all my heart, mind, and soul like you did. Most of all be my brother, just like you were, are, and will forever be. The fault of man may separate us now in this life, but I know you are there in the next, constantly by my side. How great of a gift do I have, how much more can I be blessed than to know that you aren't gone forever, that this life is just temporary, but we are together forever.

So Taylor stay by my side. Help me to become who I am destined to be, and always remember you are the greatest brother, and friend a girl like me could have, and I will miss you until we are together again, don't ever forget that. 

This year has been a year I wish I could take away. So much has happened but I have learned so much. I have been pushed to my limits, and felt pain I never imagined was possible, and I still do. I don't think this pain will ever go away, but I do know one thing, that one day this will all make sense, and that I will see my brothers smiling face, and hear his laugh once again, look at him and say, " Hug me brotha.", and the years of separation will melt away, and we will be partners in crime once again. So until then I will push forward, and live life to the best I can for both of us, and experience everything more deeply because that is what he would want for me, he would want me to have a full life, and not a life filled with sorrow, and regret. So I will do that for him, because he deserves to get anything he wants.

I will love you until the end of time, and forever. And miss you everyday just as long Taylor, you may not be here in person, but you live in me. Our memories, and stories will last the test of time because our relationship was so strong. You will never be forgotten..

{Let it heal you too}

Music has infinite amount of uses and affects on people. Music can heal the soul, and make you feel like you are not alone in this big world. It can help to make you feel like you are apart of something bigger than just living, it can give you that purpose.

For me music isn't just a combination of notes, harmonies and melodies perfectly strung together in unison. Music gives me something nothing else on this earth can. It gives me that feeling that maybe one day in some way I will be whole again. It gives me that peace I search for to know that I am okay, that I am not going through my life and my struggles alone. Music is the constant outside of my family, and the gospel that gives me this hope from within. Music and I have this connection. A connection most people can't understand, and to be honest it is not something I want people to know and understand. It is special. I often wonder why I think the way I do, and how music can have such a power within me. I still have yet to find an answer.

However, I do know one thing. That in every point in my life, a point of happiness, struggle, heartbreak, defeat, anger, and hope one thing has been there for me. One thing has made it bearable, and that is music. Music takes me to a place few have been, but I go often. Music transports me to my own personal support group filled with those who have loved and lost, some who have just lost, some who have their hearts broken, some who are the overly optimistic type, and those who are just straight pissed off. Where there are no judgements, no useless words, no sympathetic head tilts, and absolutely no harsh rationalities of these feeling are pointless. This place lets me feel the feelings inside with out having to explain myself. If I feel a certain way I find that artist who sings to my soul, and I let their words heal me.

Some may notice that 99% of my Facebook posts are that of music lyrics and videos. That is because when words fail music speaks. A lot of the time I can't put into words the feelings or thoughts I am having, I simply find that one song that speaks to me. Some may think that I am seeking attention, or being obnoxious and unoriginal, but in all honesty I am doing what everyone else is doing, I just do it through music.

Before when I didn't fully grasp the relationship I had with music I judged those who would say that certain bands or songs saved them, that when their worlds became black, and they lost the light in their life, that in some way that one song or person saved their life. Until my world went dark, and that light in my life had begun to dim, and the things that used to save me had failed one band, and their music saved me. It brought that light back into my life. That thing I seemed to miss in my life had returned, and I have turned to them and their words more than I can count in the past year of my life. I understand how the feeling of not being alone in the way you feel, and what you are going through can bring you that peace in life.

A couple weeks ago I went to see one of the artists who has saved me. We were in this little garage in what felt like a sauna of heat, but none of that bothered me. As soon as he stood up on that stage and began to sing the words that had brought me out of my darkness, I was healed once again. I let the music take my soul and heal it. Nothing in those short hours bothered me, and I have seemed to crave that feeling ever since. That feeling of being carefree, and at one with my soul is something I want to feel every day.

Music can heal you if you let it. It can bring that peace you need, and it can make you feel like someone out there knows how you feel. Turn to the words, and be healed by those harmonies and melodies, and let the notes carry you away. It won't let you down.

sometimes...

all you need is a pep talk..

I don't have words this week. All I know is that somedays this gets me through.. and puts a smile on my face.. So from me to you here's a pep talk


NOT COOL ROBERT FROST!

a year has come and gone

In attempts to find some sort of joy in my life again. I have searched in many places to find that joy that has been missing in my life for far too long. I have searched for a relationship, in hopes that, that may fill the void I feel in my heart, I have searched for it in new friends, as well as old friends, and I have searched in music because it has always been the only constant in my life, and for a while those new things made me feel joy again. They made me believe that there was still happiness to be found, and that I could learn to laugh again. And for a while I believed that was enough, and than I remember a quote from a show I watch religiously that reminded me "People always leave." It may not be in a dramatic way, or a way that is negative, but people do have a habit of leaving. Friends go on missions, or move away to school. Family members move on and start families, or have lives of their own. And sometimes you wake up and realize you are still here. You haven't moved left or right, and you haven't moved backwards. You just find yourself in the same place you were a year ago, while everyone else is moving on.

That is where I am. I am moving forward, but some days I feel as if I am in slow motion. When so many of my friends moved away for college, or left shortly after graduation for missions, I found myself living at home, and going to school nearby. Don't get me wrong I love being home, and I love going to the school that I go to,  I love spending my time with my family, and growing my relationship with my best friends. But some times when I look at the joy of those who moved away, and those who are gone on missions, and I see all the adventures they are experiencing. I feel complacent, and envious of them. I feel as if I am going no where. I always thought that a year after high school I would be up in Logan, spending my time making new friends, and living the life I hated waiting for while I was in high school. Now as a year has paced since I graduated I have taken a look into what has happened in a year, and decided to take a look into the things that have happened in a year the have show me how I am not complacent that I am moving forward.. so come along with me as we timeline the past year..

June 2013: I went on my first vacation without my family. I became best friends with the three greatest girls, that make me so happy. I said goodbye to my sister as she left for the next 18 months to share the gospel with the people of Tuscan. I traveled to the other side of the country to spend a couple weeks with my family in Tennessee, and experienced my first airplane ride. I lost my best friend. I experienced the greatest loss I have ever felt in my life, and fought my way through.

July 2013: I fell in love again with a guy who made me laugh, smile from ear to ear, and made me feel like a princess every time we were together.  I had a stay-cation with the three girls I practically grew up with and learned that even though we may never be as close as we were in that moment, that I would always be there for them no matter how long it will be between conversations, that they will always be a part of who I am.

August 2013: I said goodbye to the person who has always been by my side, as he left to serve a mission. I sent off my best friend at she went to SUU for school. I learned to be okay with the silence that came with saying goodbye to the people who filled the silence I had in my life. I had my heart torn out by the boy who made me fall in love, and felt like I wasn't ever going to recover, but instead was taught again the importance of forgiveness, and learned to get up and dust myself off, and that my worth was not determined by man, but my God. I was reintroduced to five amazing, and beautiful men that have reminded me how it feels to act like a immature teenage girl. Who make me feel like everything will be okay. I celebrated my black sisters birthday, and was reminded how much she does for me, and how lost I would be without her.

September 2013: I started my first semester of college, and was thrown head first into the most stressful, rewarding, and creative Interior Design program. I was reminded how it felt to be a seventh grader again, having to start over in a brand new school, only this time I didn't have my girls by my side to soften the blow, I had to face this new adventure alone, and remind myself how to let people get to know me. I met a girl who seriously made the first semester of college bearable, and became my first true friend at LDSBC, who was there through all the craziness that came from that small communications class. I met a boy who made me forget about the pain I still felt from getting burned from the last boy who I let in, he made me laugh, and feel things again. And I said goodbye to my best friend as she left to go to BYUI.

October 2013: I was reminded how infuriating the dating scene can be, when people play games, and was reminded of myself from many years ago, when the game was taught to me. I was introduce to some pretty entertaining people, and had some good laughs with them, and got to become closer to my cousin, who I realize was more like me than I had ever imagined, and am grateful for everyday. I became friends with some amazing girls in my program at school, and was able to have friends who related to the stress I was feeling from school whose creativity, and drive inspire me everyday.

November 2013: I faced my first holiday without my brother, and made new traditions with my family. All in hopes to make the next couple months bearable. I was reminded of my love for designer fashion, even though I still cannot afford any of it. I got my first real job, outside of babysitting, and lawn mowing.

December 2013: My best friend came home early from his mission, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for his return, he helps me in more ways than he will ever no just by existing. I finished my first semester of college, and was ever so grateful I ended up not having to experience finals. I barely remember Christmas. It was all a blur, I just remember going through the motions, attempting to find the strength I needed to get through it without becoming depressed.

January 2014: I had an amazing celebration of bringing in the new year with my girls, as we fangirled, acted like complete crazy people, and laughed until we cried. I started my second semester of college, and was grateful to have so many classes with friends, who ease the stress that comes with 17 credit hours, and working part time. We got tickets to see the five most amazing boys! And started counting down till the day our dreams come true.

February 2014: This month was the hardest month I have had. Deep down I had an internal battle with myself to get out of bed each day, fight the demons in my mind, and attempt to replace the darkness I felt surrounding my life with brightness. I celebrated my 19th birthday with some amazing people. Shared my love of card games, and dirty drinks with others. I was reminded how hard I fall for people, even when they aren't there to catch me. My ginger sister got her mission call, and I have never felt so much joy, and sadness in one moment than that. I am going to miss her but I am so beyond proud of her everyday. Her testimony inspires me, and strengthens mine.

March 2014: I finally experienced finals, and the stress that accompanies them. I bought tickets to see my second favorite guy in concert, and cannot wait to see him live. I got to judge FCCLA state in Layton, and was remind how much I loved being a part of something, and making friendships that I will remember forever.

April 2014: I finished my second semester of college, and was ever so grateful to have my freshman year out of the way. And have continued to work every day since then on myself, and to get myself back to where I want to be.

Here I am a year since graduation, reflecting on the memories, trails, heartaches, and laughs. To be reminded of the blessing my life is, and grateful for all of the experiences. I have learned to find the joy in the little things again, and for that, this past year has been worth every minute. I may not have moved away, or gone on a mission, but I have learned so much about myself, and who I can rely on that it all has made me stronger. This past year will be one I will never forget, and I look forward to the years to come, and the many adventures that accompany it.

i remember..

Life is full of memories. Happy ones, sad ones, ones that made you feel something you never imagined, and the ones that make you feel like you have lived. This past week was a week of memories. We sat around this weekend celebrating a holiday, Memorial Day. People celebrate this in many ways, some visiting lost loves ones, some are showing gratitude to those people who gave their lives for us, and our freedoms. For my family and I it was the first one. We spent sunday morning traveling to multiple cemeteries putting flowers next to our loved ones headstones. Remembering the lives they lived. Sunday was hard. I always used to struggle going to see my lost family members every year, most years it was the hardest going to my grandma's. She was such a strength to me at such a young age, and somedays I feel like I missed out on a life with her. I was so young when she died, I remember very little about the time I spent with her, but I remember all the laughs and memories. However, on days like memorial day I am reminded of the bad days, I remember vividly being woken up so early in the morning from my parents telling us we had to go to grandma and grandpas. That we had to say goodbye to grandma. I remember sitting in the car while my parents went inside, because they didn't want us to remember our grandma that way. The last thing I remember is her funeral. I was so lost, and confused. Being as little as I was I could never wrap my head around her being gone. I didn't even say goodbye to her, and that has haunted me everyday.

That was before. Now the hardest part of this holiday is putting flowers by my brother. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be doing this. I sit on the grass in front of his headstone, and convince myself over and over again that this isn't real. How could this possibly be real. None of this makes sense to me. I question everything that has ever happened in my life with my brother. And just like with my grandma I am reminded of all the memories, but the dark ones stood out on Monday...

I remember it all like it was yesterday. I was laying in bed late saturday night at my cousin's house in Tennessee. I had been there for a couple days spending time with them. It was quite late there, but I was up watching Boy Meets World because I couldn't sleep. I texted my brother a video of the show,  knowing that he would find it funny, and that he would understand. So I spent an hour or so texting him, and I fell asleep much like I usually do when I am texting someone late at night. (My friends can attest to this) Well I woke up the next morning and got ready to go to church with my cousin's family. Everything was going exactly how most sundays go. I was on twitter in-between meetings, and I saw a funny picture so I sent it to my brother. Once again knowing he would laugh, and understand my humor. There was no response. I figured he wasn't awake yet forgetting we were in different time zones so I let it slide, thinking that he would respond when he got it. I carried on with my day. Later that day I texted my parents checking in with them. And once again I got no response. Deep down apart of me knew something was up, but I couldn't quite place it.

Later that day we were driving to a baptism in my cousin's ward. My Aunt got a call, and she began to get upset. That's when I knew something bad had happened. I didn't know what, but I knew deep down in the pit of my stomach that something was not okay. After my aunt hung up the phone, she didn't say anything, so I pushed out the feeling that something was wrong. Until I got a text from my cousin asking me if everything was okay at my house. I responded that as far as I knew everything was fine but I was out of the state, and couldn't be certain. He then proceeded to tell me his mom had heard that and ambulance had been called to my house, but he was glad to hear everything was okay. I was so confused. I thought for sure she must have heard something wrong because I hadn't heard a word. I tried texting my parents again. No response. So I went to the next thing to my parents, I text my friends mom across the street. I asked her if everything was okay, because I hadn't heard from my parents in a while. She responded and told me I needed to call my mom.. I went to stand up to go out in the hallway to call my mom. As I was about to leave my aunt put her hand on my shoulder, and told me that her and my cousin had something they needed to tell me. I remember feeling that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling that something bad had happened returned but this time I knew. They hadn't told me yet, and I couldn't know for certain what had happened, but I knew something had happened. We went into a small classroom, and they began to tell me all about the week my parents and brother had had leading up to that that day, that they had done a lot of things, and that my brother was doing good, I was so confused. I thought for sure they were going to tell me some relative of mine had passed away, but I couldn't understand why they were telling me about my brother, and the week he had. Then they told me that my mom went to wake him up for church this morning, and he just didn't wake up. I lost it, in that moment any ounce of strength I thought I had within me was gone, it seemed like a dream, like someone was pulling a mean practical joke on me, and any minute the cameras would appear and they would yell gotcha. But much to my disbelief no one came out, no one yelled gotcha, and the pain set deeper and deeper inside of me. I remember just crying and crying, I didn't know what to do.. In that moment I knew I needed to call my parents.

As the phone rang I dreaded the sounds that would come from the other end. I heard could hear the tears of my parents, and I could hear their hearts breaking. It was too much. The pain within me got worse. My dad told me to be strong, and that they were going to do all they could to get me home the next day. He told me to call anytime, and that I needed to rely on my cousins, and the priesthood that my cousin held to get me through until I got home. My aunt just held me in her arms as I cried, I couldn't take it I had to get out of that room. I walked the halls of this church building, surrounded with pictures of the savior, and you would think I would have felt better being in a place like that but I didn't. I went into the first restroom I could find and just stared at myself in the mirror. I remember throwing water on my face, pinching myself, and screaming inside to just wake up, to make this nightmare end. But it didn't end. I walked out of the restroom, and my cousin put me in the car, and drove us back to his house. My aunt then went straight to making the necessary arrangements to get us home the next day. I remember walking around in circles in that house. Like a ghost of myself. I sat on the edge of my bed, and got a feeling. The first feeling of calm that had come since I got the news. I felt my brother sitting next to me, and almost like a whisper came to my ear, "Morgan, I am alright, I am sitting her with grandma, and grandpa, and everyone else. I am okay. Stay strong, and be there for mom and dad." I called my mom, and we just cried, I told her that I knew he was okay, and who he was with, and told her I would see her tomorrow.

The next thing I remember other than sitting on a plane that felt like it lasted for hours. To be honest I don't even remember if I had to switch planes, if we did I don't remember. I just remember sitting there in a plane staring at the seat in front of me convincing myself that I would get home, and it would not be real. Even though I knew it was, there was still that part of me clinging onto any ounce of faith left in me. We got off the plane, and went home. Only to find that it was real, far more real than I could have ever imagined.

That is what I remembered sitting there on my brothers grass. Wishing he was there, wishing that the night before my world fell apart that I would have told him I loved him before I fell asleep. I know my brother knows I love him, but a part of me will always regret falling asleep without say those three words one last time.

I am lucky to know that I will be with my brother again, and whether I believe it or not I am stronger than I will ever know. I am grateful for my family, and the constant strength they are to me, for bringing me joy and laughter even on the darkest of days.

reality ruined my life

It's okay to fall apart, it is okay to have a breakdown. At least that is what I try to convince myself when I have one. Somedays it is easy to not cry and not have a breakdown, but others it is harder than even I can imagine. I sit there and say to myself, "It is okay. Don't cry. It isn't going to change anything. You are stronger than this." When the truth is I am not stronger than this. I am so weak. I used to think I could face anything, that I was so strong. I have gone through a lot, and have faced some hard things, but nothing compares to this struggle I am going through. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of him. That I was the one that was gone, because than I wouldn't feel this hurt anymore. That pain in my heart wouldn't hurt anymore. I won't have to wake up in the morning, and convince myself that this nightmare is real, and not just a dream.

After my brother graduated from high school he went to a snowboard camp, that was the longest time I had ever gone without seeing him, and that was the first time I had ever truly missed him. I had never felt the loneliness that I felt for that week ever before, and I even wrote down on a piece of paper how much I missed him, and signed it. Now I look back, and I wish that I would have taken advantage of the time that I did have with him. We lived under the same roof for 18 years. Yes, he was my best friend, and my brother. But I feel like I wasted so many things. When silence came between us things changed, our relationship was strained, and I didn't want any part of it anymore.

When things got really bad a few years back, when the house was pretty much up in arms, in the year of silence between me and my brother. I used to think it would be easier if he was gone. I used to try to convince myself that we would move on. For some reason I thought this life I am forced to live was what I wanted. That is why I live with so much guilt every single day. I feel like I wished this upon myself. I wished for this hell I am living in, and it kills me. I want to take it back. All of it. I want my brother to be here. I don't care if it was stressful, and hard at times. I would take all of it just to see him again. To wake up and know he is here. I wish for the bad days with him. Because at least I had him here.

I find myself talking to him like he is here when I am alone. I lose myself in the day dreams that he is here with me. I find myself sitting in his room clinging onto anything and every part of him. I miss things that I never thought I would. I miss the over whelming smell of his cologne when he got ready, I miss his laugh and smile, I miss his hugs, and comforting words. I miss how he used to know exactly what to do to bug me, but mostly I just miss having someone who understood me. Most days it unbearable, and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. I feel like a part of me is lost, and I don't know what to do, and there is no way I can fix what is broken inside me.

That is why I am so consumed with guilt. Most days I feel like this is my fault. That I brought this pain on my family. That I wished away my best friend.

I ask myself everyday if I was right. If it is easier, if it is better this way. And every time my answer is no. It isn't better, and it is far from easier. I wish I could take back those words I wished years ago. I pray that this guilt would disappear, and that I could just take it all back. I would do anything to have him back, to look at him one more time full of life, to take back all the words I said in dark times, and have him hold me tight and tell me it is all going to be okay, if only for that moment. To say I love you one more time, to laugh together, and to be complete once again.

I hope he knows that I never meant it. Now that he knows that I used to wish for this life. I hope he knows that I want him here with me every minute of every day, that I would give my life for his if it meant that I didn't have to feel this void in my heart anymore, and that I loved him more than I ever had the words to say out loud. I hope he knows that even on the days I curse him out loud for not being here, that I still love him. And I hope he is with me always, because at the end of the day that is all I really need.

who am I

In times of loss and hardships it is far more difficult to know who you are. I have never known exactly who I was. I knew where I came from, and what made me who I am, but I never knew who I was meant to be. Some days I think I know. It will hit me that maybe this is who I am meant to be, and then I will forget. This may sound horrible, but when my brother was here I new exactly who I was, what my role was. I was the glue. I didn't make waves, I listened to everyone, I did exactly what was expected of me. I did this for a lot of reasons. I knew that if I made a wave, or did something I wasn't supposed to the world around me would collapse, or at least that is what it always felt like. My brother wasn't perfect, and who really is. He learned the lessons he learned through trial and error. And with that came a lot of strain on our family. I was always terrified to mess up. I knew my parents were already worried about one of us, I didn't want to be the reason they completely lost it.

My life consisted of me being the strong one. I was never expected to be that by anyone but myself, but that is how I defined myself. I took on the personal responsibility of being the optimistic, silver-lining finder, and overly faithful one. When dark days hit, I was the one who would try to lighten up the situation. I refused to believe that life was meant to be this horrible, that bad things don't just keep coming, and one day things were bound to be okay again. So I put all my energy into faking the smile, listened to fight after fight over what was expected, and I fought back the tears. In all honesty I put a lot of pressure on myself. I felt like it was my job to not let the walls cave in. I think if my family ever knew that back then, they would be devastated that I felt that way. So I never said a word. I don't remember saying anything these last six years. I remember going through the motions, and not stirring the pot. And I was always striving to be the "picture perfect"child, and as I did that I think I lost who I was really supposed to be.

That was who I was at least who I thought I was. Then when Taylor died I lost myself. Everything I thought I was, wasn't there anymore, and the person I thought I needed to be somehow was nonexistent. Every dream I had thought was what I wanted didn't make sense anymore. All the goals I set for myself were gone. And the person who made me who I was, was gone with all of it. At first I still tried to be that overly optimistic person. I remember when my cousin and aunt told me he was gone, I was in shock, it didn't seem real. I didn't want to believe that this was how it ended. After years of heartache that this was the only way it could end. When I called my parents, and it was far more real, I remember being the silver lining finder once again. I knew what I told them was true, but it didn't make it hurt any less. I knew he was healed from his earthly pains, and that he was with our grandma, and in our other family members arms, and he was okay. But it didn't make it any better. At first it did. I did get peace from that fact in the weeks that followed. But now that doesn't make it any better. I find it harder and harder to find those silver linings, and to see the brighter side of things. I want to more than anything, but I just can't seem to.

I still believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I pray in my heart everyday that my family has finally reached the top of this mountain we've been climbing for years, and that soon we can have peace, and years of calm for a while. I pray that my parents know that they are the actual glue that kept us together through the storm, and that one day they can have peace to know what I know, that they did nothing wrong, and were and are amazing parents to me and tay. I hold onto the strength I had back then, in hopes that it carries onto who I am now. I may not know exactly who that is anymore, but I know one day I will know again. I am learning to let go of the guilt I carry with me everyday, knowing that no one holds me accountable for what has happened, and I had no part in anything. One day I will explain that, but for now trust me when I say I am full of guilt, but have learned that the guilt I feel isn't mine to carry.

One day I will find myself. The new version of myself that I am destined to become. I pray to find her soon, because I am sick of feeling lost, and afraid of the future. I have never felt this before, and it terrifies me. So for now I search for who I am now, and what I am supposed to be. The journey ahead is uncertain, and scary but I know that it will get less scary. Everyday the light comes, and a new day begins, and that is just the knowledge I need to know that life will go on, and I will find who I am. Eventually.