... one thousand ...

It's been one thousand days of trying to find a way to live on, in days filled without my brother in them. In these past thousand days I've learned a lot about myself, and I've learned a lot about the ways I notice the little things he does for me.

Never in my life would I have thought to add these trying days into the life I had always dreamt up. Losing my brother was never part of my plan. We were going to be those siblings that pushed each other's wheel chairs over just to get a good laugh in for the day. The siblings who cheered each other on in the big moments, and even in the small ones. But today and for the past thousand other days I have had to learn to think of this life as my new reality that we were no longer going to have that future together. Every day since my brother passed away there has always been this surreal feeling about everything. I always would think, I'm going to walk in the door today and he is going to be there, and every thing's going to be alright again. But day after day my heart would face the reality that there was now going to be a void. I have to admit.. For a long time I didn't think that void I felt every day was going to get better. My brother was all I had. On the days when I felt like I had no one else to turn to he was always there. There was no way that I could possibly recover from this. All I knew was that in some way or another that I was going to have to.

So here we are.. one thousand days into this, and I'm still as scared of life without my brother in it as I was the moment I heard the news that would change my world entirely. There is however a difference between that girl and the girl I am today .. And that is the thousand ways I know that my brother is still here guiding me, protecting me, and loving me.. Now I'm not going to write down all of these ways, because frankly I know you don't want to read them all but I'll share a few.

The way he touches my heart through music, and the influences it plays in my heart. The music that cheers me up when I'm sad, or makes be believe that it's all going to be okay.

The way he protects me. When he watches over me every day during my commute.. Almost like now he's the one yelling for cops just like I'd use to do for him.

The way I feel so close to him every time a snowflake touches my face. Like each one is a hug telling me that he loves me.

Those moments when I am breaking down because I miss him so much I can't breathe anymore, and I swear I could almost reach out and hold him.

When I can see him in the joy we have as a family doing things together. Almost like he's right there with us laughing at my stupid corny jokes that for some reason no one see thinks is amusing. (How rude).

The way I can remember every single inside joke when I watch our favorite shows, and remember what we were talking about when we first watched them together.
Those moments when I really start to like someone, and ever so gently (sometimes not so gently) helps me to see them for who they truly are. He's the ultimate wing man.

When I'm sad, and feeling all alone in the world, and I read the words he wrote to me. It's like a warm hug saying that he'll never let go.

Here we are. One thousand days in. One thousand days closer to being reunited again. I may not ever be okay that he's gone. There are weeks where he's the only person on my mind. Now more than ever as graduation is approaching I wish he could be here in person to be with me. I'm going to miss taking goofy graduation pictures with my best friend.. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that my best friend is going to be there. Right by my side. Cheering me on as I take on all my new adventures. I think that is the most important lesson I've learned. That there are certain bonds that cannot be broken.. And the love between us is one of them.

So today I'm standing. One thousand days stronger than I was. Each day I'm growing and adapting to my new reality. But one thing will never change..

My brother will always be my world.

Together. Forever. Always