waking up afraid

I woke up a couple days ago, and thought I heard my brothers voice. It came shortly after waking up from a life like dream that he wasn't gone. I have those dreams quite a lot, but this time it felt even more real, there were no action packed scenes, no one ended up in the hospital. This one felt almost like how I wish last summer would have gone. I was coming home from Tennessee, and when I got off the plane all of my family was there to pick me up, including Taylor. I hugged him tight, and told him that I had the worst dream, that he was gone forever, and that I wasn't going to see him for a long time. He hugged me tight, and said you aren't getting rid of me that easily. We laughed and we walked out to the car, and life carried on like usual.

And then I woke up. I don't know what it is about my subconscious but some days I feel like it really wants to break my heart. Those dreams are the hardest, because they are so real that it is hard to distinguish if I really am dreaming or if my real life is the nightmare. As I was laying in bed I could hear people talking outside my room. I know that it was all just in my head, but I heard my brother talking to my dad, and they were laughing. It made me happy. I missed hearing his laugh, talking about pointless conversations, and otherwise doing nothing together. I wanted to run out there, but deep down I knew it wasn't real. I know he is gone, and the laughs that I heard were just a memory.

Which brings up why I am afraid.. I am terrified that one day I am going to wake up and I won't remember his laugh anymore, or the way he would make the stupidest jokes, or even the way he smelled, and the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget him. I try to relive those memories we shared over and over in my head, but the voices are silent. I cannot hear him anymore, and that terrifies me. In fifty years I want to be able to tell my kids about how amazing their uncle was, and have them be able to feel like they really know him. How am I supposed to do that when I keep forgetting the little things. I feel as if I don't keep his memories alive within me that in someway his life will be forgotten, and he deserves more than that.

I want his memory to live on forever. I want the future of our families to know how amazing he was, and I want to have others feel of his love, and his strength. I feel a burden to keep his spirit alive, so that others know who he is, and what he aspired for. And some days I believe that I want that for the most unselfish of reasons, but after days like that when I wake up from a dream so real, I realize I may want to keep them alive for some pretty selfish reasons. I want to hear his laugh when I wake up in the morning, or be able to know what he would say to me in certain situations, because that is how I know he never really has left my side.

Some days he feels so close to me, almost as if I could reach out and touch him, and other times he feels so far away, like he has left me for good. I pray always in my heart to have him be with me, to give me the patience I need to conquer this pain and heartache I feel, to give me the silence in my mind to know that he is okay, and for my heart to have the grace to know that I am not alone, and that I am watched over, and to continue to hear the echoes of what we used to be, to keep his memory alive in my life. I know that he is with me always, and because of that I know that I am going to be all right.