I come home hoping that it was all just a terrible dream, and that he will be sitting on the couch like he always was when I got home, sitting and watching our favorite show, and harassing me about my day, just like we had done a thousand times before. But, to my dismay, he isn’t here. I face that fact every day. Every time I meet a random kid at school who looks like the kid from the O.C or when someone breaks my heart, it hits me that he isn’t here to protect me anymore.
Some times when I close my eyes I like to imagine he is here. I have conversations in my head with him, I laugh at things only he would understand, I hold onto him tight, and I say I love you. Things I only wish I could have done one more time before he was gone. Time is fleeting, and you never know when certain things will be the last time they happen. That is life however. You never know. Then again if I had known this is how our story would be I would have done a lot of things differently.
I would have told him I loved him more, even if it wasn't cool to tell your brother that. I would have hugged him more, because nothing made me feel better than a hug from him. I would have harassed him the same amount, because that is why we were so close. I wouldn't have yelled at him. I would have admitted when he went away how much I missed him. And I would have told him how much I admired his strength and courage.
I would be lying if I said I didn't worry about the future now. That was something we were always supposed to battle together. Now with the different path I have been led on it all seems so daunting, a world without him in it doesn't feel like the world I want to be apart of, it never was. I worry about being alone, a lot more than I ever have before. I took advantage of the blessing it was to have him in my life, but now I realize back then I was only strong because I knew I had him in my life. I knew he would be there when my world fell apart, I knew he'd be there when boys broke my heart and that he would tell me that I would find the perfect person for me, and I knew he would help me to pursue my dreams. That was just the kind of person he was.
Slowly day by day I see him in me. I realize now how much he inspired me. I realize how much of my strength I received from watching him defeat his demons with such courage, and power. I see how much he has strengthened my testimony. Things that he never knew he did for me, those are the things I hope he sees, and I hope one day that I could be even half as strong as he was.
These are the things that make it so odd. The things that make me miss him every day. That is why even though I may feel all alone, that I am never alone because he is right by my side. I know that because of my brother, and his strength, that I can be strong. And right now that is all I can ask for to be fearless and fierce, because that is exactly the person he always knew I could be.
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