Why couldn't I save you?

This has been a rough week. Not in the day to day tasks I have had to do, but rather in the things that haunt me in my sleep. I have had the same nightmare for the past week.. Every night the dream comes, and every morning I wake up with such deep pain that I don't know what to do.

Each time it is the same. I am getting ready for the day, and my brother is here. We laugh and joke with each other. It seems like any other day, or at least the days I long for. Then like clock work something changes. I find myself in the darkness that was my brothers world for so long.  A world he fought so hard to get out of. It is clear as day the darkness that consumes the world. I see it dragging him in, and I run after him. I reach for him, and he fights me I can't see him in his eyes anymore the bright light isn't there. I pull him in, and put his face in my hands and plea "why couldn't I save you?" Both of us fighting tears. I look into his eyes one last time and just as the light is coming I wake up.

I ask him regularly why I couldn't save him. Why couldn't I have done something for him to make him see it. It haunts me to this day that I wasn't here for him before he left this world. Why didn't I text him before I fell asleep the night before one more text just to tell him I love him? Why didn't I get one more hug before I left for the airport that morning? Why?

Maybe that is why this dream haunts me.. because I wish more than anything that there is something I could have done to change this story to make it be like it used to be. To just sit on the couch together and watch One Tree Hill, and laugh as dad tried to make us believe that he knew more about it than we did, even though he probably did. To look at him with some dorky face and hear that laugh. Oh how I miss that laugh. To see the way his face lit up when he talked about snow, and to see how anxious he got when the first snow graced the mountain tops. Oh how I just miss him. Dreams make me miss him more because I wake up wanting him to be here more than I do any other day.

I guess it all comes down to how much I miss my big brother.. I wish you were here Tay..

for you my friend..

Today, in a weird way I am grateful for the loss of my brother.

I know what you are thinking.. WHAT?! How could you possibly say something like that.. Well just hold on, and let me explain.

You see I am not grateful that he's gone, and I am most certainly not grateful for that part of it. However, I am grateful to have felt a loss so deep that I could know what it was like to lose such a big piece of my life.

This past week someone very close to me also lost her big brother. She lost a big part of her as well, and in the light of her loss I was able to see her heart. In a way I was able to use the loss I felt to help her in some way.. at least I hope I have. Even though no loss is the same, and even though I lost my big brother my loss, and her loss are different. But she has shown me in some ways, ways to heal, and ways to see the light. I have been trying to find the light in losing my brother for over a year, and it has taken me all this time to see why in some way or another I had to experience this loss. I had to lose him, to be able to be there for my friend in a time in her life when she was experiencing such pain.

Losing someone is never easy. You put on the brave face that everyone around you needs to see, and hope that you truly feel. You put this face on for a long time only because you feel as if you have no other choice. I still have this face on. I has have never truly let anyone outside of my parents, and my brother see the pain I feel. I have never cried so deeply, and so fully in my entire life than I have in the past year. You hope, and pray that it will just go away and that you can be whole again. People say it gets better, but it doesn't. It has been a year and half since I have lost my brother, and everyday I feel the pain and loss just as deeply as I did the day I found out he was gone. It doesn't get easier I've learned.. I have just learned that you learn how to put on the face, and get through each day one minute at a time. You don't get over it.. you just simply do what you are expected to do, and then when you get home at the end of the day in the comfort of the walls of your home, you let your face fade, and the pain sets in once again. I hate this new reality I have to face each day, but I hate to think that one day I could ever get over this pain. Because the moment I "get over" this pain I feel, that is the day that I let go of my brother completely, and that is just something I could never do.

So to you my dear sweet friend. Know that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel a loss so deep, and painful that you wish it would end. When you feel, when you truly feel the loss that is how you know that he was such a big part of your life. That is the part of you that you have fully given to someone you loved. So whenever you cry, or you feel this loss which you will everyday. Know that it is not in vain. That wanting and wishing away your pain doesn't make you weak, it makes you realize how much love you have given to another person. Be thankful in times of darkness, never let the good memories go, cherish the laughter, and hold tight to that spirit of peace. Know you are loved by so many, and even though you will at times feel lost know you always have someone to turn to. Most of all know that your brother loved you more than words can ever say, because it is in the times after I have lost my brother that I have truly come to know just how deep his love is for me. Look for him in the little things, and remember the love that can come from it. He will never leave your side, when you need him he is there, and he will help you when you ask him for it. Remember that.

So today in a time of tears being shed by people I love, I am grateful for the loss. I am grateful to know if even just a piece of the pain they feel now. So that I can be there for them. I am grateful to know what I know, and to be able to say with a surety that I will be with my brother again. I am grateful for his love that he shows me when I am in the darkness, and I am grateful for his guiding hand each and every day, and for that I will always be thankful.

counting down

I am quite the fan of countdowns lately. I keep counting down to various days, and various moments of importance. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason it brings me a sense of excitement, and joy.

Recently my favorite countdown of all is this one...

In exactly 12 days 16 hours 46 minutes and 33 seconds.. and counting my sister will finally be home. I have been waiting 18 very long, trying, and sometimes eternal months to be able to say that soon enough she will be home once again. I have never been more proud of her than the day that she told me she was going to be serving an LDS mission. She is the picture perfect sister missionary, and I couldn't wait to see all the many lives she would touch with her incredible spirit.

However, my life hasn't felt very real without her here with me. There is something about not sharing the most important details of your life with a person who is such a big part of it. I am so excited to be able to share our lives with each other again. I am also terrified of that fact as well. I know I have been holding a lot of feelings in since she has been out serving, because I know that none of it will ever be real until she is home, and can mourn with me as well. She is the sister I have never had by blood, and her family is the closest thing I have to having more siblings in my life. My brother was her brother, just like hers is mine. I know that she feels his absence when she is on her mission like I feel it now, but when she is home maybe the hole in my heart will be smaller, and the load lighter.

I am so grateful to be blessed with this lady in my life. Her strength, courage, and determination inspire me daily. I wish one day to be half of the amazing girl that she is, and to know without a shadow of a doubt the things that she has come to learn. She is a blessing to me and my life, and I am grateful to have been given the chance to have her in my life. Heavenly Father really was looking out for me when he sent us down here in families so close. I love you Sister Kellee Jo and I simply cannot wait to see your face.

broken..

This week has been incredibly hard for me. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why this week has been so emotionally draining for me. I have tried to narrow my bad days down to what went wrong, and it still is lost on me. All I know is it all comes down to me missing him more than words can say..

I look up on my drive every morning and I see the mountains covered in snow, and I think of you, and how you would be up there. I walk the halls at school and hear comments that I would have shared with you. I am lost and confused with guys in my life, all the things I used to ask you about. I am shown how you answered my questions, but am finding it hard to stay strong in the answer. I look at the photos of you in my room every morning, and feel the void in my heart. I feel the heartbreak again from lost love, and miss the words of comfort you offered me the time when I first was broken. It all comes down to one thing I guess.. this week I miss you more than I have since the first day I walked into our house and you weren't there. It is hard for me to live my life without my best friend. To wake up knowing that you can see me, but we can't talk. On most days knowing you are here with me in spirit is enough, but this week it just isn't. I have cried out countless times how unfair it is to have you not be here. How I am so lost without you. I have turned to things you said to me once upon a time for comfort and peace, but the sound of your voice is fleeting. It is hard for me to hear you anymore, and that is the hardest part. I have tried so hard to hear his voice for so long, and right now I can't hear you.

Despite the down times of this week that I am still managing to find peace in. I grasp onto every piece  of you I have. I am trying to work my way through my problems that I used to come to you for by myself now, and I have felt you guiding me a lot this week. When it was at its worse point this week you reminded me of this video.. a video where I feel peace no matter when I watch it.

So this week I am grateful for Dustin.. for making this video when we first lost my brother. A video that brings such peace to me in my darkest of days. That re-ignites the memories I have of my brother. For the unimaginable power it has in my life. So thank you Dustin for being a friend to my brother, and for caring enough about his life to make something so beautiful. You may never know how many times it has saved me..

I miss you ever single day brother of mine. Each day it gets a little easier, but on the days they aren't I am grateful I can feel your love in the best way you can show me. I am blessed to have had such an amazingly gifted, and caring brother. I won the lottery as far as I am concerned.. and I hope you see now through your knowing eyes just how much you always meant to me. Thanks for being with me, I think only we know how much it means.. Love you Taylor..

little reminders..

"I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become."

I was talking to a person last night, someone I talk to most nights, and we were talking about music. Now as most of you know from either previous posts on this blog, or my never ending lyrical posts on Facebook, that music is a pretty big part of my life. Well as the conversation went on, he began to tell me how he has written a couple of things, and how they are about the trials he has had in his own life, and how he didn't think anyone would listen to them for that reason. I quickly responded, telling him that, that is exactly why people would listen to them. People love to hear things that relate to them, and make them feel like they aren't the only ones in the world who are going through dark times. I should know this, because music has healed me in countless ways, and if those artists hadn't shared those words, and melodies. Then I would hate to see where I would be right now in my life.

This conversation reminded me of why I started this blog in the first place. I was reminded that when I first began to write these posts how lost and confused I was. How I didn't think there was going to be any saving graces left in my life. How each day got darker, and darker, and nothing seemed to help me. That was until I began to write my thoughts out, and share them with all of my countless readers. I started writing with the intention to help heal myself, but as I have had people comment, text me, and email me about how my somehow scattered words have touched them, and helped them when they were lost it has given me a sense of peace. Now as I write I am not only trying to heal myself, I am looking to those close to me, those people who I know are struggling, and going through dark times themselves.

So this post is for you. All of you lost, hurt, broken souls who don't see the light anymore. I have been there, I know how you feel. I have been so turned around and upside down that I didn't think there was anyway I could possibly be whole again. But let me tell you something, don't you dare give up. I know it seems easier. That throwing in the towel in this life will somehow make you feel better. You are wrong. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't been quick but light has come. It may not stay bright and vibrant for very long, and there are days when the darkness is too much, but I promise you some days are worth it. If I could tell any of you one thing, one thing to make you feel like you aren't alone, look to those around you. See the people on the streets smiling, see the friends by your side, even if you don't think they are there they are, look around and see all the things you have, but most importantly look to your family, turn to them. I know for me nothing heals me more than talking to my family, they always know just what to say to make me feel better.

Always remember ever single person you will ever meet has had something hard in their life, some trial they have had to overcome. Even though you don't see it now you are never alone. There is always a piece of light coming. Just be patient. It has been a year and six months since the darkness fully consumed my life, and I am constantly trying to find the light still to this day. But I have seen it coming enough to give me faith that there is more to this time of darkness in my life to make it all worth it. I know these are just words, and if you are struggling with something they probably won't help you, but I hope they do. I hope if you really are struggling you find peace in what I am saying, or at least turn to the words of others. They do wonders, I promise.

Just remember you can be anything you want, don't let your circumstances, or trials define you as a person. Rise above the darkness, and prove everyone wrong. I am with you.

and scene..

Life is not a movie. There are no script writers writing out your daily conversation, you don't always win, you don't have music sequences following you throughout your day, your best friend doesn't always fall in love with you, and sometimes he isn't the guy that he led you to believe he was.
You don't have those picture perfect moments, you more than likely will fall flat on your face a couple of times, you will screw up, and you will be broken.

That is just life. Life isn't a movie, it won't always be the best but it is life.

I am the first to admit most days I wish my life was scripted, and that I knew that by the end of the storyline that every little aspect of trial and struggle would turn out to be okay, and that I would end up sitting on a porch when I am eighty years old with the love of my life.  I wish for grand romantic gestures, meet cute moments with a guy who just might turn out to be the one, random musical numbers, and insanely adventurous trips at any given time. I wish a lot of the time that my life was a movie.

I guess I like the idea of having the picture perfect life, where nothing is ever too bad that it can't be solved in two hours. Lately I have been wishing for a movie life more than most times. Maybe it has something to do with the piece of work people who I have managed to let into my life, or it has to do with the fact that after all this time my heart still aches at the heart ache I wish I could just leave behind, or it could quite possibly be that I want all these struggles to be resolved, and I know that my two hours aren't quite up yet. I wish I could sneak a peak at my script and see where I end up, that I could jump ahead to the part where I can see why this all had to happen, and where my character figures out why they had to go through all this really crappy stuff to get to the place that they were meant to be. I know that isn't how it works, and I guess in a way that is a good thing. Maybe if I knew I would screw it all up, and miss out on the little things that are unforgettable.

However, just like we all know our lives aren't picture perfect, and nine times out of ten we don't get the movie worthy moments that we dream up in our head. Sometimes the guys we think are gems, are just rocks. Sometimes the truth is the part that hurts the most. And sometimes we go through a lot of dark stuff in order to get the best. Maybe that is why in some cases it is a good thing our lives aren't Hollywood blockbusters, and that life remains a mystery.

I know for me it is hard to imagine that one day I will be able to look back on all the crap I have gone through in the past eight years of my life, and think it all makes sense, that I can understand why it all had to happen. That every event led me here, and in some ways I can be grateful for the heartbreaks, the tears, the laughs, and the memories. 

Someday, maybe I will get a picture perfect movie moment, and if I am lucky maybe all those things will make sense, and I can say with sincerity all these things. As for right now, at this moment, I still wish my life was a movie, and that I could know that for even just a scene that it will all work out, and that the porch swing is going to be there for me in seventy years, and that it will all make sense soon. I know I won't know this for a while, so until then forgive me for the faults I make, the people I choose who aren't worthy of the porch swing, and the times when I wish I could just sit back and wait for things to happen instead of working towards the things that really matter. I promise I will root for your Kodak moments, and cheer on your movies as I see them.

Because everyone deserves that picture perfect moment in their lives.

some things are better off said

This has been two weeks of reflection, insights, and just plain frankness. Pardon my scattered thoughts as I recount some of the feelings I have had these last few weeks...


The first thing I learned is that family gatherings are the hardest for me. I know these should be the easiest because I am surrounded by people whom I love and who love me. But these are the times I miss my brother more than anything. It was always me and him. Whenever we were in a room full of people I knew I would always have someone to sit by, or someone to talk to. Now it's different. I sit back and see strangers with their families and I see my cousins with their siblings, and it hurts. It makes me miss him more than I already do. I sit here and I wish that this loneliness that I feel in my heart would go away. That this ache in my heart maybe won't hurt with every breath. My heart just hurts, and some days I wish I could rip it out, and maybe it would hurt less. People keep telling me it gets easier, and I hate to break it to them but it doesn't. I hate to admit that my hole has continuously gotten bigger.. Instead of time healing me, it has created a bigger void. I blame myself mostly for this since maybe I am just not addressing the feelings as they come, the longer I push them away, and shy away from how I should feel in certain situations the bigger the void of losing him will become. Honestly, I hate being upset, I hate waking up after a night of tears, and I hate not being able to turn to him when I feel so lost, and only he could help me.


The second thing I have learned is that this past year has felt entirely like a dream. I feel as if my life hasn't been real because I have yet to share it with one person. I haven't been able to talk to my sister about any of this. The only other person who knows how to make me feel okay with my life. She has been gone on her mission, and the time is coming for her to come home. I am thrilled more that anyone would ever know because I have missed her so much. I have missed our late night conversations, how we could talk about anything and how she would just understand me much like my brother. However, despite how excited I am for her to come home I am also terrified, because I know the moment I see her it will all become so real. She will come home, and see the new reality I have had to face, and I know in that moment I am going to lose every ounce of strength I have left because now I can finally let it out to my best friend. Nothing seems okay until I talk to her, no wound in my heart has been able to heal without her advice. Maybe when she gets home I will finally be able to heal, and the void in my heart will start to go away, and my life may start to feel like my life. I can't wait to sit on a couch have one of our heart to heart, cry our eyes out together, and reinforce the bound we have. Eighteen months may not seem like such a long time in the grand scheme of things but right now it seems like eternity.


The third thing I have come to realized as I was reminded a few days back about a moment I shared with my family around the year anniversary of losing my brother. We had just spent our "dark week" in Park City trying to get away from all the things that were making us sad, and some things had come up on social media regarding my brother. To spare you the details some of my brothers "friends" (I use that word as loosely as I can because a large majority of these people used my brother in ways, and never were grateful for him) posted things about how they were remembering my brother. Now I have nothing wrong to say about them remembering him, I love that people remember him. I was just angry at the way they chose to do so, and the manner in which they posted it for the world to see. The things they did really upset me, and I remember that was the first time, well since the funeral that I had gotten truly anger at the people who were in my brothers life. In fact I remember having one of my brothers best friends stand by my side the entire time of the viewing in order to keep me from taking down a couple people. At that year mark however, I wanted nothing more than to scream out all my frustrations.. and I did just that. I remember sitting on the foot of my parents bed and I just kept ranting and ranting about how they don't know how it feels, they don't understand how hard it is to walk into my house every day, and be haunted by it. They don't know what it is like to not have your best friend there when you get home to talk to. They just don't understand how hard it is. I went on tears streaming down my face, and practically yelling.. Wishing with all my might that they understood how much hurt they caused my family. How inconsiderate it was to say sly comments about how we have handled our lives, and how they know how to handle all of this when in reality they don't know. Every single time you lose someone it is different. No one loss is the same. I have lost so many people in my life both my grandmas, uncles, aunts, extended family, great grandparents, great aunts, and each time the lose I have felt was different. Each person I have lost has held a special place in my heart, each taking a piece of me with them as they have left this life, but no loss has taken as much from me as my brother. I know few people who can truly relate to losing their one and only sibling, and some do, and I truly reach my hand out to them with compassion because I know the hurt they must be feeling to some extent, but when someone who has no idea how much this hurts to say things so inconsiderately drives me nuts. I guess the purpose behind this rant is just to be aware that you may think that the words you are saying are kind, and that you are just trying to help, but sometimes it just plain hurts more than you think, and some we have to pretend that it didn't gut every ounce of happiness we had when you said them. Just think before you act, think of why you are saying it, and if it really needs to be said. Sometimes silence speaks much louder than words.

And the last thing I have realized these past two weeks is how insanely blessed I am. I think a lot of the time I get so wrapped up in the darkness within my mind that I forget all that I have been given and the wonderful things that are happening in my life. I am blessed with amazingly strong and giving parents who don't even know how much they mean to me, and never will because no amount of words could ever express it to them. I am blessed with family who reach out and try to make me smile even on days I feel like not even trying. I am blessed with amazing friends who make me realize that there is so much to be grateful for, and who know just what to do to change my mood instantly, and who are always reaching out for me when I am falling down. I am blessed with the ability to live, I think I take this for granted a lot, I think lately I have been taking life for granted I have wanted to wish it away just to be with my brother again, but I know that life is precious, it is meant to be lived, and my brother would want me to live it for both of us. I guess at the end of the day I am just happy to be me, I haven't been able to say that and mean it for a very long time. For the first time in a long time I am beginning to see that my life has a meaning, and I am meant for something, I have no idea what that something is, but I know it does, and for that I am blessed.