sometimes things turn out okay

For quite a while I have been pretty stressed about things. Things that even though people said I shouldn't stress about I still was. A lot of the time I internalize a lot of what I am going through. I don't like people to think I am weak, or overwhelmed. So I keep it all inside.
Things pile up in layers inside me, stress, sadness, anger, exhaustion, frustration, etc. and it keeps piling up, until I burst. It isn't healthy and it isn't okay, but it has become a habit I have formed over time so that I wasn't a burden when others around me were worse off than I was.
However, this is a topic for a different day. This post is going to be sunny and bright if it is the last thing I do...

Well in my last post I talked about how through patience, and trust I was able to find the some light again. Guess what? It just keeps coming. I have been asking a lot of questions in my heart about what I was supposed to do, and how things were supposed to work out in my life. Well my friends I got some answers..

Two weeks ago I agreed to interview for a promotion at Pier 1.. it is a Sales Leader position. I was nervous about it since well this is my first real job.. but since I had been doing so well there. I GOT IT! I got the promotion and I am thrilled. It is so refreshing to be learning new things, and gaining management experience.

The afternoon after my interview I got tickets to see one of my favorite bands next summer in California with my girls, and I was so happy I thought it was Christmas already. I cannot wait to visit San Diego next summer, and take in the ocean, and my favorite things.

The same night as my interview I got an email from the financial aid department of my school informing me that I had been selected to receive the sophomore scholarship at my school, due to my academic performance last semester! I was thrilled. Even though my parents told me not to stress over it I still was because school isn't cheap these days, and even though this isn't going to pay for all of my school for the year. It is a big help! So I was quite the happy camper.

A lot of good things happened in such a short period of time I was overwhelmed. I didn't know whether to smile or burst into tears. There is so much happening in my life right now, and even though I am crazy busy, and exhausted half the time, the experiences that I am having, and the memories I am making are worth every second of it. So there you have it folks, my happy go lucky post. I am one happy girl for the time being, and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts..




By the way in case you were curious only 24 days until I get to see my favorite people live in concert in Arizona! It's okay if you can't control your excitement, I have the same feelings! (:

look up

I have sat here staring at this blinking bar for the past three weeks. I have been trying to think of something to say that wasn't overly depressing, or was too hard for me to write. My own personal form of writers block. I think at this point I have about 10 half written blog posts just sitting waiting to be touched. I have been waiting for that answer. The answer to what I have been searching for, and today I found it.

I have this constant battle within me every day. I wake up look up at the ceiling of my room, and fight with myself whether to get up, or just lay there, whether to smile at the thought of a new day, or see the day as what it is another day fighting the darkness in my mind.

I have never had do this before. I have always been able to face the days with a smile, and mean it. It was never forced, or lacking in genuine nature. However, it is different now. Even though I have thousands of reasons to smile and be happy, none of them seem to matter at that point in the morning. Well minutes pass over this internal battle, and I usually decided to get up frankly because there is no other option when you have to go to work, and I put on the face the world expects to see.

At this point people expect me to have the same overly optimistic smile, and positive attitude that I have always had. And truth be told I wish I was still that person. I wish I could see the light at the end of the darkness, and embrace the truths that I know. Now more than ever I wish I was as bright as I used to be. Now the darkness clouds me, and most days the darkness of the day wins over. This darkness isn't anything like temptations, or bad choices. It comes in more of a sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loneliness, and depressing thoughts.. I think of things that are wrong in my life and not necessarily the good things..

For about a month I have been pleading to my Heavenly Father why he keeps putting really crumby things in my path. Why I had to experience all of these heartaches and pains. Why did Taylor have to have so many trials? Why did my dad have to lose his job? Why did Taylor have to be taken so early? Why couldn't Grandma have been around long enough to see me get married? Why did I not qualify for financial aid to pay for school? The list could go on. I am pretty sure he has just sat there listening to me as if to say, are you done yet? I have been so quick to shy away from any thought of gratitude that even the slightest things I would brush off.

That is why I posted my talk in my last post. I thought maybe, just maybe if I read the words I wrote, and found that sense of strength in gratitude again, that I could wake up in the mornings to see the light. It didn't come. I read and re-read that talk over and over and I got nothing. I needed a sign. A sign that He still cared enough about me. That the light was still there, and that I was still the grateful person I had always been.

It didn't come right away. The answer to the question I had in my heart didn't come to me all at once one morning. No, it came in pieces. It came in a Mormon message posted by a friend, it came in memories, it came in a few positive things happening in my life, but most of all it came by a way of patience. A patience that in some time The Lord was going to heal me. That one day I would wake up and look up and my ceiling and smile at the thought of facing the day ahead knowing that I was going to be okay.

I still wake up every morning and look up. I look up at my ceiling, and the darkness is still there. But if I looked around, if I turned my head to the left I would see a wall full of photographs of people who I love, and people who love me, if I looked to the right I would see a collage of photographs of my brother and me, if I looked forward I would see a quote, "If you can't control the wind, learn to adjust your sails", and if I really looked around I would see so much light that it could shine for the world to see.

It is still hard. No amount of gratitude or answers will change that. I believe that it will be hard for the rest of my life. That no day will be perfect because I am not perfect. I am learning day by day again to seek out the light, to find the rays that fill my soul. I hope to one day find the light again, to feel of it's warmth as it fills my soul. One day I will look up, and I won't see darkness, but the purest of lights..

maybe this message will touch your soul like it did mine.

who are you?

I wrote this a while back and I have found it to be a comfort in the past few weeks... enjoy.



In any situation you face in life there is always a silver lining. To members of our church these silver linings come in the form of tender mercies or blessings from our Heavenly Father.

Life is far from perfect. No one gets through life un-scared. This is not meant to frighten us it is there to teach us. In life there are two different types of people there are the Tiggers, and the Eyeores. For those of you who have seen the many adventures of Winnie The Pooh you know exactly what I am talking about. Tigger a fun-loving character who never lets a bad day get him down, he continues to bounce a long without a care in the world. And then there is Eyeore a pessimistic negative character that dwells on all the bad stuff that seems to happen to him. Now in the adventures of these two characters it always seems that more bad things happen to Eyeore. But if you watch closely most of the time these two are stuck in the exact situation, but you never realize that Tigger is having a bad day since he is never complaining. In a talk given by Elder Worthin entitled “Live in thanksgiving daily” he shares a story about a husband and wife who live and work together. It says: A long time ago in a faraway village lived a man who everyone did their very best to avoid. He was the type of person who believed that there was only one competent person in the world, and that one person was himself. Consequently, he was never satisfied with anything. His shoes never fit right. His shirt never felt comfortable. When his food wasn’t too cold, it was too salty, and when it wasn’t too hot, it was too bland. If a field wasn’t sowed by himself, it was not sowed well. If he didn’t close the door, the door was not closed properly. In short, he made a career of frowning, lecturing, criticizing, and mumbling about the incompetencies of every other person in the rest of the world. Unfortunately, the man was married, which made matters all the worse. No matter what his wife did, in his eyes it was wrong. No matter what the unfortunate woman cooked, sewed, or cleaned—or even when she milked the cow—it was never satisfactory, and he let her know it. She tried very hard to be a good wife, but it seemed the harder she tried, the less she pleased him. Finally, one evening she could take no more. “I’ll tell you what we’ll do,” she told him. “Tomorrow I will do your chores and you will do mine.” “But you can’t do my chores,” the man replied. “You don’t know the first thing about sowing, hoeing, and irrigating.” But the woman was adamant. And on top of that, she was filled with a righteous anger that frankly astonished and frightened the man to the point where he didn’t dare disagree. So the next morning the wife went off to the fields and the man began the domestic chores. After thinking about it, he had actually convinced himself he was looking forward to it. Once and for all, he would demonstrate to his wife how things should be done. Unfortunately, not everything went according to plan. In fact, nearly everything the man touched turned into disaster. He spilled the milk, let the pig get into the house, lost the cow, burned the dinner, and ultimately set the house on fire, narrowly escaping with his own life. When his wife returned, she discovered her husband sitting on a pile of ashes, smoke still rising from his clothes. But the woman wasn’t the type to rub things in. She helped him up, wiped the soot from his beard, fixed him a little something to eat, and then prepared a bed of straw for them to sleep on. From that day forward, the man never complained about anyone or anything else for as long as he lived.

This man was an Eyeore. By living in a life without any gratitude he made his life a horrible thing. By not being grateful for what he had and for the blessing his wife was in his life. He never seemed to think his life was good enough, or anything anyone did was good enough either. He harmed the relationship with his wife and all the other people in his life. We all know people in our lives that show these similar characteristics. Look at your life. When bad things happen who are you in the situation, now think of your friends. Who would you rather spend time with. I know I would much rather hang out in a room full of Tiggers than a room full of Eyeores.

You may be wondering how you can become a Tigger if you find yourself to be more of an Eyeore. Well the good news is it is quite a simple solution. Give thanks to The Lord. Show him your gratitude. There is a popular quote that states, “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” How true is that. It is so easy to look at a bad day and think it is never going to get better, but by noticing the hand of The Lord we can change our mind set. We are taught in the scriptures how valued gratitude really is. In D&C 59:7 it says “ Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.” And as we know when we hear those two words in the scriptures “Thou shalt” we know that the Lord is commanding us to do something. Showing gratitude is a commandment given to us. When we show gratitude it is our way of showing our Heavenly Father that we see the silver linings he is sending us. Life is far from easy. It is something that takes work it is important for us to notice the hand of our Heavenly Father in all that we do. When we do this we will soon find ourselves to be more like Tigger people. I’m not saying that by showing gratitude, that all our problems will suddenly disappear, they will simply just become easier to live through.

My life has been far from easy and perfect. Some day’s trials hit me in the face and I feel like my life cannot get any worse than it is right now. It is how I face these trials that affect my life.

When my brother passed away I had to take a step back, and when I did I saw two options, almost like a fork in the road in my path it gave me two options. One option I could chose was from that day forward live a life with the attitude of “woe is me” or with the attitude that life was just never going to be good again, and how can I possible attempt to be happy when this huge piece of my life was suddenly without warning or cause missing. Then there was the other option, the option to face this new trial with a brave face and have hope. Hope that little by little I would grow and live my life the way my brother would want me to. To find that joy he so easily brought to my life in things that I would come across in the days to come. In that moment of decision I had to grow up, because the decision I made in that moment would affect my entire life, the life of my future family, and the life of my family now. That day I made my choice to live the life that my brother would be proud of, to live with hope that my Heavenly Father knew what he was doing, and to trust in his will.

Since that choice no day has been easy. I don’t wake up and feel like I am filled with life and everything suddenly is perfect. Every day I have to find that one thing that was a blessing sent to me that was supposed to get me through that day. And without fail there is always that one thing, and most times there is multiple ways I see my Heavenly Fathers hand in my life during that day. Heavenly Fathers hand is in all of our lives. That is his way of showing us his love on a daily basis.

Many of us have been in a situation where we have helped someone and received no gratitude in return for that help. How do you feel when that happens? I know I feel upset, almost to the point where I don’t want to help that person anymore, because I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

Well our Heavenly Father feels the same way when he blesses us, and we don’t show him our gratitude, he feels those same emotions, except being the amazing father that he is, he puts that pain aside and he continues to bless us.

We should not take advantage of our Heavenly Fathers love for us. We should show him our thanks and gratitude every day. I challenge all of you to never let a day pass where you don’t let your Heavenly Father know how grateful you are, and how much you appreciate his love for you and for all that he has given you. If you do this, little by little you will find that the burdens you are carrying will begin to feel lighter, and you will see yourself become more and more like a Tigger.

Another thing we can do is open our hearts. We need to let go of negative emotions. Anger, resentment and bitterness stunt our spiritual growth. We can cleanse our hearts by getting rid of the thoughts and feelings that drag us down.

Nephi certainly had reason to be resentful. Hated by his brothers, bound and beaten and nearly murdered, he had plenty to be bitter about. After his father died, Nephi must have felt completely alone. He surely felt threatened. He surely felt discouraged. He surely felt troubled. But when it came time for him to communicate his feelings, what did he write? “Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

Yes his path had been difficult. Yes, his heart groaned because of mistakes he had made, but he did not allow himself to linger in negativity. Instead, he told himself. “Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee”.

The third thing we can do to live in thanksgiving daily, is open our arms.

One of the best ways we can show our gratitude is by blessing the lives of those around us. King Benjamin taught his people in Mosiah, “If you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice.” “Behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your god.”

We can live in thanksgiving daily by opening our arms to those around us. When was the last time you told someone you love how much they mean to you? When was the last time you expressed your gratitude to someone who has always been there for you, someone who has sacrificed for you, someone whose heart has always been filled with hopes and dreams for you?

When was the last time you unselfishly reached out to help another in need? Every time we cheer another’s heart, every time we ease another’s burden, every time we lift a weary hand, we show our gratitude to Heavenly Father to whom we owe all that we have and all that we are.

The blessing that come from opening our arms to others are among the choicest this earth has to offer.

As we strive to open our eyes, hearts and arms, our step will become a little lighter, our smile will become a little brighter and the darkness that sometimes tries to take over our lives will become a little lighter. Don’t be discouraged if you haven’t been an especially grateful tigger like person. Be happy and smile when you think of what an impression you will make on those who thought they knew you. Think how you will surprise them.

The Lord expects us to be Tiggers in our lives. The Lord promises us great things if we show gratitude. In D&C 78:19 it reads “He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious”. In the topical guide it says that we should thank our Heavenly Father for His goodness to us by acknowledging His hand in all things, thanking Him for all that He gives us, keeping His commandments, and serving others. We should especially thank Him for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for the Savior's great example, for His teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help, for His infinite Atonement. Gratitude is a great thing to have in our lives and to show and express daily not only to our Heavenly Father, but to all the people we come in contact with.

Don’t wait to start. Open your eyes open your hearts and open your arms. If you do so, your life with have a new level of meaning and your will forge relationships that will last through out your life and into the eternities.

My heart is continuously filled with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for everything he has given me, for his great plan of happiness that gives me hope that I will be with my brother again, and that he has a plan for me in my life. What great peace that brings..

stay in my arms

I've had two early mornings in my life where I have been told news I didn't want to hear, and sat in a car with my family as I tried to find some answers to the inevitable devastation that faced us at the end of our drive. 

The difference between this time, and last time is this time now I am old enough to remember. I hear the tears, the silence, and I feel the loss more than I did when I was little. Both of these rides came at the end of my favorite ladies partings from this earth. It was the end of those hugs that warmed your heart, the countless opportunities of being built into the person you are today, and those special things only a grandma can bring into your life. I have now lost both of my Grandmothers.

One left when I was little. She was the most selfless, caring, and beautiful lady I have ever known, and I have missed her more and more as the days have past. And on Saturday, I lost my other grandma. I was luckier than some. I got this grandma for 19 years. She held me when I was sad, made us root beer floats at 2 am when me and Taylor would have sleepovers, she was strong, faithful, and selfless. I have wanted nothing more in this life than to make my Grandma's proud. I strive everyday to be more like these angels I had the opportunity to know on earth.

I made a deal with my Grandma Taylor once. I told her she had to live to be a hundred years old.. I knew then what I know now. I hated the thought of losing the one person I knew would love me unconditionally, the one who would send me notes to tell me how much she loved me, and was proud of me. The one lady I knew would tell me what she thought, and give me the love afterward to make me feel like I could do anything I wanted.

On Friday night we sat around her as she laid in bed, we sang songs, and watched as she moved along to the music.. As we were about to leave I stood by her side and told her it was okay if she couldn't live to be 100.. That I wouldn't love her any less, and that I would understand if she had to leave. I told her one condition, that when she left this earth to go to the next that she had to first slap my brother, and then hold him tight in her arms until I joined them once again. I told her I loved her more than words could ever say, and then I kissed her cheek one last time..


It is hard losing ones you love, and for me this loss hits hard. And I will be honest I am jealous of my grandma.. She gets to see Taylor. She gets to hold him tight and hear his laugh. My brother now has his two best friends, and I am still here. I guess I see how blessed I am. I now have four completely wonderful guardian angels.. I miss, and will miss them every day that I am apart from them. I feel a special burden now, one that I fill the need to carry, to live a life full of love, and laughter. To share special moments with friends and family. Just like my Grandmothers did. To carry their spirit with me throughout my life, and be the lady they knew I could be.

Heaven keeps filling up with people I love, and as much as it kills me to be away from them, I am grateful I will see them again. I love you so much Grandma. You have always been there for me and I will miss you more and more with each passing day. Keep my brother company until I see you both. I will keep the sass alive down here. I did learn from the best.

always

A year ago I wrote a speech on my brothers life. I gave it to a room full of people who loved my brother, a room full of people who take every ounce of energy I have to forgive, and a room filled with people who will never understand what this past year has been like.

Some days this past year feels like it has flown by, and other days it feels like it was yesterday when I lost my best friend, and the hours keep dragging by like nothing has changed.
A year ago I remember sitting and staring up at the sky asking why me, why do bad things keep happening to me. And a year ago I found myself in a really dark place.

I could sit here and tell you all about how miserable and depressing the past 12 months have been without my brother. I could tell you story after story of nights where I didn't think I would ever feel whole again, or times when I thought my family would never truly laugh again. There have been days and nights when I declared that my white flag was in the air, and that I didn't think I could make it through any longer.. But when the darkness came and the fog began to consume me one voice would fill my mind. My brother's. Things we used to say when the days sucked, or things we would say when we didn't know what else to say.. The last piece of wisdom he would ever give me.. Those things fill my mind. His voice telling me he will always be there for me, that voice telling me we were a team, and that nothing would break us apart. That is what constantly gets me through..

His voice is the light in the darkness in my heart, his love is what makes me feel like this will all be okay. I never told him how much he did for me, or what he gave to me. So I figured I would tell all of you, in hopes that you will know how truly amazing my brother was and still is.. this is a letter I wrote to him one he will never read, but I hope he knows I mean every word.

Ever since I was a little kid I had someone I looked up to. I would watch you every day, the way you would laugh, the way you used to try so many different things, and how you never let fear or doubt cloud your mind. I watched you live your life in so many different ways, and I saw you live your dreams. I never feared life alone because I knew I would have you, my guide, my rock, and my best friend. I never told you how much you did for me because I never thought there would be a day when I couldn't. As we grew up, we grew apart in some ways. It was no longer cool for you to have a little sister tag along with your friends, and I was too stubborn to think it was cool to hug my brother, but I still watched you. 

I watched you get straight A's, and make the honor roll. I watched you fall in love with girls in your school, and I watched you in moments of heartbreak. As time passed I watched you fall, but I also saw you stand back on your feet dust yourself off, and start over. I knew in dark times you said things about how I was the golden child that I never made mistakes. But you didn't know then was that I was the person I was because of the person I saw you become. I got good grades because you were so smart, I made honor roll because you always did, and I knew that would be what was expected of me. When I fell in love I did so carelessly, with out a fear, because that is what you did, and when my heart was broken I felt it just as deeply as you did. I knew what not to do because you walked through fire so I wouldn't have to. Taylor you saved me. I am not nearly as strong as you are, and I never will be. I  believe with every fiber of my being that you were my brother for a reason. If I didn't have you to follow, I would have fallen flat on my face. But instead, I believe that you said not her, I will do it. That was your divine destiny, you were destined to be my brother, my guardian angel, and my saving grace. 

You have shown me how to love, how to follow my dreams, how to stand up for myself, and you have shown me my worth. You are the greatest brother I could ever have dreamed up. I wish I could have shown you that better when you were here, and I wish you knew this then. I now have to face this world alone. I have accepted that I have to make my own mistakes now. You walked through hell and back, and it would be selfish for me to wish you were here just for me. We made a deal long ago that we would always be there for each other, and if I know one thing for sure that is that we never break our promises to each other. So this time when I fall, and you know I will, I pray that you will always be there to help me up, to help me see the world the way you did, to help me find a dream worth fighting for, and to help me love with all my heart, mind, and soul like you did. Most of all be my brother, just like you were, are, and will forever be. The fault of man may separate us now in this life, but I know you are there in the next, constantly by my side. How great of a gift do I have, how much more can I be blessed than to know that you aren't gone forever, that this life is just temporary, but we are together forever.

So Taylor stay by my side. Help me to become who I am destined to be, and always remember you are the greatest brother, and friend a girl like me could have, and I will miss you until we are together again, don't ever forget that. 

This year has been a year I wish I could take away. So much has happened but I have learned so much. I have been pushed to my limits, and felt pain I never imagined was possible, and I still do. I don't think this pain will ever go away, but I do know one thing, that one day this will all make sense, and that I will see my brothers smiling face, and hear his laugh once again, look at him and say, " Hug me brotha.", and the years of separation will melt away, and we will be partners in crime once again. So until then I will push forward, and live life to the best I can for both of us, and experience everything more deeply because that is what he would want for me, he would want me to have a full life, and not a life filled with sorrow, and regret. So I will do that for him, because he deserves to get anything he wants.

I will love you until the end of time, and forever. And miss you everyday just as long Taylor, you may not be here in person, but you live in me. Our memories, and stories will last the test of time because our relationship was so strong. You will never be forgotten..

{Let it heal you too}

Music has infinite amount of uses and affects on people. Music can heal the soul, and make you feel like you are not alone in this big world. It can help to make you feel like you are apart of something bigger than just living, it can give you that purpose.

For me music isn't just a combination of notes, harmonies and melodies perfectly strung together in unison. Music gives me something nothing else on this earth can. It gives me that feeling that maybe one day in some way I will be whole again. It gives me that peace I search for to know that I am okay, that I am not going through my life and my struggles alone. Music is the constant outside of my family, and the gospel that gives me this hope from within. Music and I have this connection. A connection most people can't understand, and to be honest it is not something I want people to know and understand. It is special. I often wonder why I think the way I do, and how music can have such a power within me. I still have yet to find an answer.

However, I do know one thing. That in every point in my life, a point of happiness, struggle, heartbreak, defeat, anger, and hope one thing has been there for me. One thing has made it bearable, and that is music. Music takes me to a place few have been, but I go often. Music transports me to my own personal support group filled with those who have loved and lost, some who have just lost, some who have their hearts broken, some who are the overly optimistic type, and those who are just straight pissed off. Where there are no judgements, no useless words, no sympathetic head tilts, and absolutely no harsh rationalities of these feeling are pointless. This place lets me feel the feelings inside with out having to explain myself. If I feel a certain way I find that artist who sings to my soul, and I let their words heal me.

Some may notice that 99% of my Facebook posts are that of music lyrics and videos. That is because when words fail music speaks. A lot of the time I can't put into words the feelings or thoughts I am having, I simply find that one song that speaks to me. Some may think that I am seeking attention, or being obnoxious and unoriginal, but in all honesty I am doing what everyone else is doing, I just do it through music.

Before when I didn't fully grasp the relationship I had with music I judged those who would say that certain bands or songs saved them, that when their worlds became black, and they lost the light in their life, that in some way that one song or person saved their life. Until my world went dark, and that light in my life had begun to dim, and the things that used to save me had failed one band, and their music saved me. It brought that light back into my life. That thing I seemed to miss in my life had returned, and I have turned to them and their words more than I can count in the past year of my life. I understand how the feeling of not being alone in the way you feel, and what you are going through can bring you that peace in life.

A couple weeks ago I went to see one of the artists who has saved me. We were in this little garage in what felt like a sauna of heat, but none of that bothered me. As soon as he stood up on that stage and began to sing the words that had brought me out of my darkness, I was healed once again. I let the music take my soul and heal it. Nothing in those short hours bothered me, and I have seemed to crave that feeling ever since. That feeling of being carefree, and at one with my soul is something I want to feel every day.

Music can heal you if you let it. It can bring that peace you need, and it can make you feel like someone out there knows how you feel. Turn to the words, and be healed by those harmonies and melodies, and let the notes carry you away. It won't let you down.

sometimes...

all you need is a pep talk..

I don't have words this week. All I know is that somedays this gets me through.. and puts a smile on my face.. So from me to you here's a pep talk


NOT COOL ROBERT FROST!