wander

"Not all who wander are lost"

A few days ago I found myself alone. In the silence of my home with no one else around. I laid down and closed my eyes. When I am truly alone is when I completely and utterly fall apart. I no longer have to put on my facade. When I am alone..I close my eyes and I can see his smile, and I hear his laugh. In those moments of quiet I feel him, and it is like he never left.

I haven't felt whole in almost two years. I constantly feel like this huge part of who I am, who I should be is just gone. I keep searching and searching for the missing piece that might put me back together. I search in music, I search in love, I search in books and movies, I search in others, but I can never find what I am searching for. I am searching for my brother, but he isn't here anymore.

He always knew who I was, and he always made sure I knew that. So now without his words.. Without his support.. Without his guidance.. I am left to wander, constantly searching for who he would tell me I could be. I always looked to him in many ways. In ways of things to do, and not to do. In things both mental and spiritual. He was my North Star. I always knew where I could go because I could follow the light he put for me to follow. Now that guiding light is gone and I am left to wander this world by myself. To look for who I am, and who I want to be, and who I should be without the guiding light. For the first time in 20 years I have had to do this alone. And I am as scared as I have ever been, because deep down I don't want to let him down. I want to be the best version of myself for him, because that is the person he always knew I was, and who I could be.

My brother always saw the best in me, even when I couldn't see it in myself. He was the first in line to say all that I could do, and be. He was always there for me no matter what. Just like he is now. I am reminded in the stillness that fact. That because he knows me, and he knows who I can be that he won't let me give up on myself. I see it in the fight inside me when I don't feel like I can get out of bed on the nights when all I do is ache for a hug, or piece of advice from my big brother. I feel it when my heart breaks at the thought of not seeing his face when I walk through that front door. I have felt him protect me from danger, from heart break, from lies, and sadness. He doesn't want me to fail, and because I know that.. I know he won't let me stop searching until I become the person he knows I can be.

I may wander in the silence of my mind. I may be searching for the person I am supposed to be. But for the first time in two years of searching I finally know that I am not lost. I still have my North Star to guide me through this life. The light that will help me to be the person I am supposed to be. I know this because I know that my brother loves me, just as much as I love him, and no limitation be it death, or life can break our love because we are the greatest duo there ever was, and will be. He is the yang to my yin and because of that his light will never stop guiding me. I have just learned that it just isn't tangible anymore. His light comes in things I find, in words spoken by other, in lyrics, in the weird ways I see myself begin to like things he would. Ways I never noticed before. He is always with me.

So to all you wanders. Wander.. Keep wandering until you find that piece that makes you, you. Not all who wander are lost, and not all who are lost are alone. This world may be dark and uncertain but we all have our own North Star to guide us. Just keep searching and don't stop because the world is screaming at you to give up. Wake up, and fight to see your guiding light, to become that version of yourself that makes you feel complete. You aren't alone, despite the silence, and the darkness. You will find your way, and you are never truly lost.

are you out there?

I have come quite accustomed to the word love in my life. I have said it many times, and heard it just the same.. and as time has continued to pass love has taken on a whole new meaning for me.
I have seen so many of my closest friends find love. The kind of love that is made to last forever and not just a moment, a love I am truly envious of. I am just like most girls. I anxiously await the day for me to finally find that forever kind of love.

Having lost so many different loves, and different points in my life has made me wonder about my future. Where will I find this love of mine that was made to stand the test of time. Will I find it where and when I least expect it? Has it been in my life already, and timing has yet to fall into place? Or have I already loved and lost that one love? To be honest I don't know. I often wonder if it would be easier for me to know exactly who I am supposed to be with forever. To just have the Lord say here Morgan.. This is the man that was made to heal the deepest pains in your heart, and to be yours forever. I honestly think some days I would really appreciate it.

Now before you all get you panties in a twist saying, "girl come on you are only twenty.. you have all the time in the world to find your person." to you I would say I know that. Trust me, I am in no rush to get hitched. As happy as I am for all of those people in my life who have already found their person.. I know for myself that I am not at that point in my life yet. That is not the point of this at all. I guess the point I am trying to make is we are thrown into this world with so many unanswered questions. Questions that we have to search to find the answers to, sometimes they come quick, and sometimes it takes years and years of asking and searching to find and receive those answers. I just want to know that my forever is out there. That I know that when my world gets dark, like it will inevitably get, that I will have someone to hold my hand and walk through it with me. I want to know that. I don't want to have to keep playing the games of what are you really thinking and are not saying anymore. I simply want simple.

But alas, when has anything in this life ever been simple.

So I ask if you are out there my ever so illusive forever.. Know I wish with all my heart to find you, and I pray that you are being strong in this world where so many things are tearing apart. That you remain strong to the person you know you should be, and that I am doing the same. Know that I cannot wait to find you, and be ever so crazy about you as I hope you will be of me.

Here's to someday finding forever, and enjoying life until it comes. Like I said I am only twenty, and life has only just begun.

happy birthday

Happy Birthday..

I have come quite accustomed to hearing these two words through out the past 20 years of my life.. How crazy these passed 20 have been, and I cannot wait for the next 20 to come!

As excited I am for my birthday this year, I am gently reminded how substantially different this year will be compared to the year before, and the year before that..but then again that is just part of growing up I suppose.

This year on my birthday I won't be blessed to get a phone call from my favorite lady singing happy birthday, and telling me how much she loves me. I really am going to miss hearing that little song. I won't wake up to a room full of balloons, or crazy writing on my car from my brother met with a birthday hug. My big day doesn't seem as big without him. My best friend, who is strongly serving the lord won't be here to spend the day with me, and go to our favorite place like we have for the past three years. I miss my ginger. This year my heart is heavy with things this day will be missing.

Just like always however, I am reminded quite loudly how much I have on days like this.
I have one amazing mother. She often says how lucky she is to have me, but I don't think she realizes that I am the one that is lucky. I have a mom, a best friend, and my other half in one person. What more could a girl ask for in a mom? She is the strongest, most loving, and caring person I know, and I know exactly who she learned that from.. her mom.. just like I am learning from her. I have one awesome dad. He is my rock. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this guy is my favorite guy. Some girls say they are a daddy's girl, but I am lucky enough to say I am a daddy's girl and a momma's girl. I lucked out in the parent departed that is for sure.
I have so many angels who I feel guiding me every day, leading me towards the person I want to be, and helping to lift me up when I am on my knees.
and in the past twenty minutes of writing this I am even more loudly shown others in my life who mean so much to me.
I have one amazing family. A family who is so much a part of my life I can't picture a moment where I will ever have to do this life alone because I am lucky enough to have amazing aunts and uncles who love me, and cousins who have become more like siblings than cousins. I love you all more than I could ever say with words, and I hope you know how much you all mean to me. Thank you for everything..
I have one amazing sister, Kellee Jo your love, and support mean so much to me. I am grateful everyday that our moms met so many years ago, so that I could have a best friend for the past 20 years who has been such a light, and example to me. You mean the world to me.
I am grateful for my MOJ (: you three girls have affected my life with each moment we have spent together. I can't picture spending my life with three better friends than you. I love you ladies.
I have one incredible, strong willed grandfather. Who has been a gleaming example to me of Christ my entire life. I am grateful to have him here, to laugh with, to learn from, and to be a granddaughter to.

I am blessed beyond words, and on my birthday what greater gifts could I ask for than these people, and all of you reading this. I am so loved, and I love you all. Thank you.. and here's to many more birthdays! WHAHOOOO! 21 anyone? (;

gentle reminders

Some days I am reminded how amazing it is to go to a school where every class I get a thought that makes me feel the spirit, and remind me of the bigger picture. I will admit there are quite a few times where I question why I went to school here, but it is days like this that remind me of the love my Heavenly Father loves me that I know I made the right choice..

So enjoy the thought I received yesterday, that reminded me the bigger picture.

I hope you know, I'm having a hard time..

Why couldn't I save you?

This has been a rough week. Not in the day to day tasks I have had to do, but rather in the things that haunt me in my sleep. I have had the same nightmare for the past week.. Every night the dream comes, and every morning I wake up with such deep pain that I don't know what to do.

Each time it is the same. I am getting ready for the day, and my brother is here. We laugh and joke with each other. It seems like any other day, or at least the days I long for. Then like clock work something changes. I find myself in the darkness that was my brothers world for so long.  A world he fought so hard to get out of. It is clear as day the darkness that consumes the world. I see it dragging him in, and I run after him. I reach for him, and he fights me I can't see him in his eyes anymore the bright light isn't there. I pull him in, and put his face in my hands and plea "why couldn't I save you?" Both of us fighting tears. I look into his eyes one last time and just as the light is coming I wake up.

I ask him regularly why I couldn't save him. Why couldn't I have done something for him to make him see it. It haunts me to this day that I wasn't here for him before he left this world. Why didn't I text him before I fell asleep the night before one more text just to tell him I love him? Why didn't I get one more hug before I left for the airport that morning? Why?

Maybe that is why this dream haunts me.. because I wish more than anything that there is something I could have done to change this story to make it be like it used to be. To just sit on the couch together and watch One Tree Hill, and laugh as dad tried to make us believe that he knew more about it than we did, even though he probably did. To look at him with some dorky face and hear that laugh. Oh how I miss that laugh. To see the way his face lit up when he talked about snow, and to see how anxious he got when the first snow graced the mountain tops. Oh how I just miss him. Dreams make me miss him more because I wake up wanting him to be here more than I do any other day.

I guess it all comes down to how much I miss my big brother.. I wish you were here Tay..

for you my friend..

Today, in a weird way I am grateful for the loss of my brother.

I know what you are thinking.. WHAT?! How could you possibly say something like that.. Well just hold on, and let me explain.

You see I am not grateful that he's gone, and I am most certainly not grateful for that part of it. However, I am grateful to have felt a loss so deep that I could know what it was like to lose such a big piece of my life.

This past week someone very close to me also lost her big brother. She lost a big part of her as well, and in the light of her loss I was able to see her heart. In a way I was able to use the loss I felt to help her in some way.. at least I hope I have. Even though no loss is the same, and even though I lost my big brother my loss, and her loss are different. But she has shown me in some ways, ways to heal, and ways to see the light. I have been trying to find the light in losing my brother for over a year, and it has taken me all this time to see why in some way or another I had to experience this loss. I had to lose him, to be able to be there for my friend in a time in her life when she was experiencing such pain.

Losing someone is never easy. You put on the brave face that everyone around you needs to see, and hope that you truly feel. You put this face on for a long time only because you feel as if you have no other choice. I still have this face on. I has have never truly let anyone outside of my parents, and my brother see the pain I feel. I have never cried so deeply, and so fully in my entire life than I have in the past year. You hope, and pray that it will just go away and that you can be whole again. People say it gets better, but it doesn't. It has been a year and half since I have lost my brother, and everyday I feel the pain and loss just as deeply as I did the day I found out he was gone. It doesn't get easier I've learned.. I have just learned that you learn how to put on the face, and get through each day one minute at a time. You don't get over it.. you just simply do what you are expected to do, and then when you get home at the end of the day in the comfort of the walls of your home, you let your face fade, and the pain sets in once again. I hate this new reality I have to face each day, but I hate to think that one day I could ever get over this pain. Because the moment I "get over" this pain I feel, that is the day that I let go of my brother completely, and that is just something I could never do.

So to you my dear sweet friend. Know that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel a loss so deep, and painful that you wish it would end. When you feel, when you truly feel the loss that is how you know that he was such a big part of your life. That is the part of you that you have fully given to someone you loved. So whenever you cry, or you feel this loss which you will everyday. Know that it is not in vain. That wanting and wishing away your pain doesn't make you weak, it makes you realize how much love you have given to another person. Be thankful in times of darkness, never let the good memories go, cherish the laughter, and hold tight to that spirit of peace. Know you are loved by so many, and even though you will at times feel lost know you always have someone to turn to. Most of all know that your brother loved you more than words can ever say, because it is in the times after I have lost my brother that I have truly come to know just how deep his love is for me. Look for him in the little things, and remember the love that can come from it. He will never leave your side, when you need him he is there, and he will help you when you ask him for it. Remember that.

So today in a time of tears being shed by people I love, I am grateful for the loss. I am grateful to know if even just a piece of the pain they feel now. So that I can be there for them. I am grateful to know what I know, and to be able to say with a surety that I will be with my brother again. I am grateful for his love that he shows me when I am in the darkness, and I am grateful for his guiding hand each and every day, and for that I will always be thankful.

counting down

I am quite the fan of countdowns lately. I keep counting down to various days, and various moments of importance. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason it brings me a sense of excitement, and joy.

Recently my favorite countdown of all is this one...

In exactly 12 days 16 hours 46 minutes and 33 seconds.. and counting my sister will finally be home. I have been waiting 18 very long, trying, and sometimes eternal months to be able to say that soon enough she will be home once again. I have never been more proud of her than the day that she told me she was going to be serving an LDS mission. She is the picture perfect sister missionary, and I couldn't wait to see all the many lives she would touch with her incredible spirit.

However, my life hasn't felt very real without her here with me. There is something about not sharing the most important details of your life with a person who is such a big part of it. I am so excited to be able to share our lives with each other again. I am also terrified of that fact as well. I know I have been holding a lot of feelings in since she has been out serving, because I know that none of it will ever be real until she is home, and can mourn with me as well. She is the sister I have never had by blood, and her family is the closest thing I have to having more siblings in my life. My brother was her brother, just like hers is mine. I know that she feels his absence when she is on her mission like I feel it now, but when she is home maybe the hole in my heart will be smaller, and the load lighter.

I am so grateful to be blessed with this lady in my life. Her strength, courage, and determination inspire me daily. I wish one day to be half of the amazing girl that she is, and to know without a shadow of a doubt the things that she has come to learn. She is a blessing to me and my life, and I am grateful to have been given the chance to have her in my life. Heavenly Father really was looking out for me when he sent us down here in families so close. I love you Sister Kellee Jo and I simply cannot wait to see your face.